Keep Your Wedding Gifts

Your wedding day is a very special day.  You and your love will make a vow to love each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, through frick and frack, all for the rest of your lives.  A certain opponent of mine (who shall remain nameless though he currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC) wants you to have contributions to his campaign on your wedding registry.   Even if I wasn’t running a penniless campaign and I was accepting donations, I wouldn’t piggy-back off of a wedding or a birth of a child.  Not getting married and not being the father of your child are rewarding enough for me.

Just because I am not accepting money for my campaign (or spending money on my campaign) doesn’t mean I am not accepting money and spending money on other purposes.  Below are some of the things I am accepting money for:

• Nudie bar bill – Drinking at a nudie bar isn’t cheap.  The more I drink, the more compelled I feel to buy drinks for others.
• Take-out Food – I’d like to get a pizza or some Chinese food once in a while, but my fiscal conservatism prohibits me from doing that.
• Buying my condo – I could buy it now, but I do not wish to take out a loan.  Banks shouldn’t be paid just because a person wants something.
• A Bentley – One of my father’s friends bought one recently.  I didn’t get to drive it, but I got to ride in it.  It’s a sweet ride!
• A smartphone – The phone I have now is dumb as rocks.  It’s an old phone that has no function except for phone calls.

Even though I would like these things, I don’t want the money to come from somebody’s wedding registry.  Getting married is painful enough.  There is no need to share the gifts that are rightfully yours.

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A look at my Platform – Gay Marriage

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on gay marriage.

I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.

It is important to note that the quote above is a hypothesis.  I have no way of telling how much sex married people have since I quit peeping on my neighbors in 2003.  But what I noticed from my studies is that the frequency and the quality of sex my neighbors had diminished significantly within 3 months after being married.

Gay people are not that much different than straight people.  The difference is that with gay people, boys like boys and girls like girls.  But I am pretty sure that if gays were to marry, that the same thing would happen to them with sex.  It’s like Chocolate Pop-Tarts.  The first time you had one, the only thing you can think about is having another Chocolate Pop-Tart.  But after having Chocolate Pop-Tarts day in and day out, you want something different.

Gays should be allowed to marry.  They should be relieved to know that I have no interest in watching.