My Take on Recent News Events

It is important for Presidential candidates to stay informed in what is happening in the news.  It is equally important to interpret the news and to come up with a plan of action.

News:  Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton.

Interpretation:  I thought we claimed independence from England.  I don’t know why this is news in the United States.

Action:  I will not watch the wedding.  Instead, I will celebrate my perpetual singleness by throwing a party celebrating my singleness.

 

News: Groups plan on boycott new screening procedures at airports.

Interpretation:  Good for them!  I fly often during my campaign and often go through screenings.  I don’t want to go through a full-body scanner for the jollies of some perverted security guard.  I also don’t want to be groped or fondled by anybody of my gender.

Action:  I won’t fly.  If I go to Europe, I will drive to Montreal and fly out of Duval Airport.  They maintain a high level of security without nudie pics and groping.

 

News:  President Obama will soon leave for Europe after coming back from a trip to Asia.

Interpretation: President Obama is in a no-win situation.  When he’s in Washington, he’s accused of doing too much.  When he’s abroad, he’s accused of not doing anything.  This means when he is here, he is doing the wrong things and America is better off when he is in other countries.

Action:  Bring this point up when campaigning.  If America is better off when Obama is abroad, we will be better off when he is out of office.  This is why it is important to elect me in 2012.  Not only am I not Barack Obama, I’m not even in his (or any other) party.

 

Watching the news is not enough.  A presidential candidate also has to interpret the news as well as take a course of action. I hope the examples above help you in understanding that I think presidentially and am worthy of your vote.

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Unable to Attend Speaking Engagement

I am writing this post from a hotel room in Plattsburgh, NY.  I was supposed to be in Montreal preparing for my keynote speech this Friday night at McGill University.  I gave the Canadian Customs official my driver’s license.  She told me that I was not allowed in Canada.

I tried to explain that when I would declare war on Canada, it would only be weekdays from 9-5 and I would leave all hockey brinks and Tim Horton’s intact so Canadians could continue enjoying being Canadians.  She thanked me for being considerate of Canadian culture, but then explained why I am not allowed in Canada.

I am not allowed in Canada because I was unhappy with the results of the International Ameoba Battles and I was more vocal than the Sport Canada cared to hear.  My suggesting that the Chinese ameboa might have been using performance enhancing drugs enraged both the Chinese communities in Vancouver and Sport Canada officials.

I did not mean to offend anybody by my accusations, but by looking at the Chinese ameoba during the match, performance enhancement is the only logical answer.

Ahmnodt Heare to Give Keynote Speech

Independent presidential candidate Ahmnodt Heare will be giving a keynote speech on U.S. – Canadian relations at McGill University in Montreal this Friday.  Extra security will be provided as some Canadians differ than Heare in how to improve relations.  Anne Murray will also be speaking at McGill.

Manitoba Campaign Trip

I will be flying to Winnipeg today for a two-day campaign stint. This might be the first time somebody has ever gone outside the country to campaign for President of the United States, My strategy is that since America is the leader of the “Free World,” people outside the United States have a vested interest in who our next president is.

There are concerns about how Canadians will react to my foreign policy. I will offer Canada a chance to undo its deeds. I will show that I can work towards a peaceful solution with Canadians. I will sign an executive ordering returning the Phoenix Coyotes to Winnipeg for the 2009-10 NHL season. I will let the fine people of Montreal vote on whether they want the Expos back.

All I ask is they take William Shattner, Celine Dion, and Anne Murray back and make sure they never step on American soil again.