Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

An Open Letter to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman

Dear Commissioner Bettman:

My name is Ahmnodt Heare and I am a lifelong NHL fan. (GO CAPS! GO!)  I like hockey so much that I would even sit through a Blue Jackets-Islanders game if it was on television.  I have watched every Stanley Cup Finals since 1983 (Except for the first season they were on OLN – My cable company didn’t carry it then).

It seems that every time hockey is about to get popular in the United States, you and the owners lock the players out and there is no hockey.  I don’t know where you live, but I live in the northeastern United States.  Winters here are cold and brutal.  We need hockey to keep us sane during the winter months.  We don’t need it quite as much in the fall and spring, but I watch it then because I like hockey.

I thought you were the worst sports commissioner at first, but the NHL has done some things to improve the game like the Outdoor Classic.  And you have been wise enough not to have these outdoor classics in places like Phoenix and Miami or other places that are warm in the winter.  On the other hand, you have instituted a shootout to determine outcome of games.  This is a bad idea.  Major League Baseball doesn’t determine the end of games with a home run hitting contest.  The NFL doesn’t end games with a punt, pass, and kick competition.  Why determine games with a shootout?  What’s wrong with a tie during the regular season?  I would extend the overtime period to ten minutes and end it as a tie if neither team scores.

This might be a shock to you, but it’s OK to be popular.  You don’t have to shut down the league just because people in the United States are starting to like hockey.

I look forward to watching VERY VERY SOON!


Ahmnodt F.N. Heare

Lifelong Capitals fan and candidate for President of the United States.

P.S. If you please get me a pair of complementary tickets for the Capitals at New Jersey Devils games at the Prudential Center, it would be greatly appreciated.

September 25, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Weekend Itinerary

It’s back to the campaign trail this weekend.  I will be along the western banks of the Hudson River speaking to various groups:


12:00PM – Highland Falls, NY – I will be speaking to a senior citizen group called “SAWAC” (Seniors for Access to Whips And Chains).  I will be addressing this active senior group plans to make the equipment they need more easily accessible.  The speech will be short so I don’t hold them up for their daily naps.

1:30PM – West Haverstraw, NY – I will organize a speech in front of the motor vehicles office explaining my motor vehicle department plan.

3:00PM – Nyack, NY – I will wonder aimlessly through the streets of Nyack and hopefully figure out what the hell they are thinking about.  I hope this won’t take too long.

4:30PM – NY/NJ border on U.S. 9W – I will try to bring peace to the border after a tough NHL Eastern Conference final.  Rangers fans and Devils fans were in each others’ faces and has made life difficult for those of us who think both teams suck.  (LET’S GO CAPS!!!)  By Caps, I mean the Washington Capitals, not typing in all caps.  I only typed in caps because I always yell when I say that.

6:00PM – Fort Lee, NJ – I will be at the western end of the George Washington Bridge discouraging people from jumping.  I won’t mention my campaign to anybody who is thinking about jumping until they are convinced that jumping off the bridge is not the answer and the meds they will probably have to take start kicking in.

8:00PM – Hoboken, NJ – My last stop tomorrow will involve a seance with fellow Hobokeners and trying to summon the spirit of Hoboken’s favorite son, Frank Sinatra.  I am confident he will endorse my campaign posthumously.

Sunday I will be hitting the Wal-Marts in Franklin and Newton, NJ – Monroe and Middletown, NY – Milford, Honesdale, and Dickson City, PA.  I will be showing my appreciation to Wal-Mart associates who keep prices low for working for less.  Workers who smoke will be given a cigarette as a token of my appreciation.

I’ll be going to bed soon because I have a long weekend ahead.

June 1, 2012 Posted by | campaign, humor, issues, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments


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