Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

I QUIT!

Much to the chagrin of my Little League coach, I quit something.  As of Tuesday, I became an ex-smoker.  i quit smoking even though winners never quit.

It has been difficult.  I have gained seven pounds so far.  This means I will be swimming a few extra laps in the Jacuzzias well as spending at least five minutes on the treadmill at the gym.   I may even double the weights I use for weightlifting to 20 pounds.

I still have the urges to light up at certain times of the day.  I want to smoke when I wake up, when I drive (especially here in New Jersey – there is a reason why auto insurance is higher in New Jersey than in any other state – people here don’t know how to drive!)  I also want to smoke when writing blog entries.  (This is why I haven’t written in a few days.)

Quitting smoking does have its benefits.  I have a few extra dollars I can spend at the nudie bar.  Breathing has become easier.  My sense of smell has improved.  (This is a bit of a negative at the gym when people are sweating like pigs.)

I am going to have to find a way to be able to write without being overwhelmed by the urge to smoke.  Masturbation eases the urge, but makes it harder to type.  Hopefully as I go longer without smoking, I’ll be able to write on a regular basis.

 

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May 4, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Weirder by the Moment

My mother and my daughter are at my place.  My father is at a nearby hotel.  I am at the Starbucks across the street from the hospital I am staying at.

My father was kind enough to pick up my daughter on his way to my condo from Washington.  My daughter gets scared when my father freaks out when he drives.  (For some odd reason, she doesn’t get scared when I freak out when I am driving.  Since I do most of my driving in New Jersey, I freak out more than my father does.)

My daughter was so disturbed by riding up with my father that as soon as she got to my place, she told my mother that she wanted me to drive her home on Sunday, only I can’t because I was in the hospital.

The trip to the hospital was the result of my fainting and becoming unconscious while shopping for office supplies (staples, paper clips, model glue).  I was about to be released last night when the doctor who examined me saw some problems with my previous health records.  This doctor wanted to know how my other doctor came up with the conclusion that I had menstrual cramps and vaginal discharge.  There were other things I told the doctor that I didn’t tell him until after the bloodwork was done.

  • I have had extreme body temperature fluctuations for the past week.  It’s been as high as 101.3 and as low as 96.8 though most of the time I have been at normal body temperature.
  • I have lost eleven pounds in the past two weeks.  In the past, I would have been stoked because I was obese for a long time, but the sudden loss of weight has me near underweight.
  • My farts smell really really bad.  The rule of thumb is that your own farts don’t smell as bad, but these last few farts hurt my nose.  I can only imagine the damage it is doing to the general public.
  • I fell asleep during “Wheel of Fortune.”

More bloodwork is being done in the morning.  Hopefully it will just be a pill or two and maybe an antibiotic and I’ll be good to go.

 

March 24, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, health care, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

They Should Have Come to Me

It seems that aliens do not read my blog entries.  If they did, they would have avoided the mishap that almost happened in Inner Mongolia.

I am concerned about safety.  This cannot be emphasized enough:  If you know any aliens from outer space, please let them know that I am the leader they wish to speak with.  World leaders are too busy leading their constituents to be bothered with little green men.  I have the time to discuss the issues with them.

Also let them know that they should bring their spaceship to Northwestern New Jersey.  There is plenty of space for parking and no need to worry about hitting jet planes.

Let’s get interplanetary relations on the right foot.  Bring them to me and not to a leader who will want to declare was and spend billions of dollars sending our troops into outer space.

October 6, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire, War | , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Blooper Tuesday

Today is primary day in New Jersey as well as in nine other states.  Primaries set the tone for what to expect in the general election.  I will have no part of setting the tone.

New Jersey has closed primaries.  A voter has to be a Republican to vote in a Republican primary or a Democrat to vote for a Democrat.  I am a registered Independent.  I won’t be able to taint influence today’s elections because I refused to register with either party.  I wasn’t the only person in my voting district who had this problem.  A young woman went to vote for the first time right after I was turned away.  She said she wanted to test the write-in system.  She was excited for someone named M. Note Heearr.  I don’t know who M. Note is, but I wish him or her luck.

I was mailed a sample ballot even though I was not allowed to vote.  Most of the races were unopposed with the only contested race being for Republican Sheriff.

This brings to another difference between President Obama and me.  President Obama wants to kick ass.  I want to kick ass and elephant.  One really big kick on November 6, 2012.

June 8, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, Democrats, editorial, election, humor, Obama, Republicans, satire | , , | Comments Off on Blooper Tuesday

Vernon Needs My Help!

My new town is messed up.  I have lived here in Vernon for two years.  I have never see a town deteriorate so fast.  I know that I said yesterday that the only job I was interested in was President and I went to a long discussion why I couldn’t be a senator.

My town of Vernon, New Jersey has three major issues:  Bears (the largest bear population in the U.S. per square mile), cameras at stop lights, and the repeal of the grass-size limit on lawns.  Property taxes are too high,  and we get little for what we pay.

I wanted to run for Mayor, but things are done a bit differently here.  We elect five town council members and the council members choose which one of them will become the mayor.  There is some things I can do as a town council member.  In addition to tackling the issues above, I can help get a movie theater in Vernon and name the street that movie theater is on “Celine Dion Street.”

I would also write legislation that would ban blogging on April Fools’ Day.  Or I would at least mandate that an April Fool’s blog intended to fool people end with “APRIL FOOL’S”.

April 1, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, legislation, satire | , , , , , | Comments Off on Vernon Needs My Help!

A Plea to the New Jersey Democratic Party Headquarters

To Whom it may Concern:

I somehow found my e-mail address on your mailing list in 2008.  Despite several attempts to have my name removed from your mailing list, I am still solicited with mail I do not want.  If I was to send out e-mail for my business or my campaign in the same manner you keep sending your e-mails, I would be arrested for spamming.

You are not doing your party any favors by sending unsolicited e-mail.  I am assured that this will no longer be an issue as you will take the corrective action immediately.

Sincerely

Ahmnodt Heare

Independent* Candidate for President -2012

*by Independent, I mean “Not Democratic”

March 3, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, Democrats, editorial | , , , , | 2 Comments

Partaking in the Next Round of Stimulus

I have decided to apply for a stimulus grant after all.  I have bashed Presidents Obama and Bush for this and the way they went about it.

I have decided to apply for a grant for the Museum of Pornographic Arts .  I figure I would need $5 million dollars to get started.  Some of the things I would need include a building for the museum (including the hands-on exhibit for the children), old pornographic magazines to show the history of pornography, and porn stars giving demonstrations for people willing to learn.

The museum is not going to be in Kernersville, NC, as I had originally hoped.  It will instead be in Hamburg, NJ.  It will be a willing participant in the “Bah Hamburg” campaign I started.

I have been questioned about the number of jobs it will be created.  There will be a museum curator, a custodian, a full-time and a part-time cafeteria worker, two full-time demonstrators and six-to-eight part-time demonstrators (for gang-bang scenes, etc.)

According to my congressman, it takes a while for a project to get approved.  I will look for a building for the museum while in the application process.

January 7, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Bailout, commentary, economy, education, humor, satire | , , , , , | 1 Comment

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