Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

An Open Letter to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman

Dear Commissioner Bettman:

My name is Ahmnodt Heare and I am a lifelong NHL fan. (GO CAPS! GO!)  I like hockey so much that I would even sit through a Blue Jackets-Islanders game if it was on television.  I have watched every Stanley Cup Finals since 1983 (Except for the first season they were on OLN – My cable company didn’t carry it then).

It seems that every time hockey is about to get popular in the United States, you and the owners lock the players out and there is no hockey.  I don’t know where you live, but I live in the northeastern United States.  Winters here are cold and brutal.  We need hockey to keep us sane during the winter months.  We don’t need it quite as much in the fall and spring, but I watch it then because I like hockey.

I thought you were the worst sports commissioner at first, but the NHL has done some things to improve the game like the Outdoor Classic.  And you have been wise enough not to have these outdoor classics in places like Phoenix and Miami or other places that are warm in the winter.  On the other hand, you have instituted a shootout to determine outcome of games.  This is a bad idea.  Major League Baseball doesn’t determine the end of games with a home run hitting contest.  The NFL doesn’t end games with a punt, pass, and kick competition.  Why determine games with a shootout?  What’s wrong with a tie during the regular season?  I would extend the overtime period to ten minutes and end it as a tie if neither team scores.

This might be a shock to you, but it’s OK to be popular.  You don’t have to shut down the league just because people in the United States are starting to like hockey.

I look forward to watching VERY VERY SOON!


Ahmnodt F.N. Heare

Lifelong Capitals fan and candidate for President of the United States.

P.S. If you please get me a pair of complementary tickets for the Capitals at New Jersey Devils games at the Prudential Center, it would be greatly appreciated.


September 25, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Women’s World Cup

I spent my afternoon watching the women’s World Cup Final between the United States and Japan.  And although the United States didn’t win, our women have nothing to be ashamed of.  There’s something to be said about motivation.  The Japanese team was motivated from the Fukushima earthquake and nuclear reactor.  A similar thing happened in 1980 when the US hockey team was motivated by the failure of the Jimmy Carter presidency.

There were two things about the World Cup that bothered me.  The first thing is that overtime wasn’t sudden death.  The US scored the first goal in overtime.  In most other sports, the first team that scores wins.  There isn’t much scoring in soccer, so the first goal is that much more important.  The second thing that disturbed me was the game ending on penalty kicks.  Spending two hours playing soccer only to have a game end on penalty kicks is wrong (especially in a final game of a tournament.)

The NHL has a shootout to end tie games in the regular season.  But even they realize that a shootout is no way to determine who gets to hoist the Stanley Cup.  If Game 7 of the World Series was to be tied after nine innings, they would go to extra innings.  They wouldn’t resort to a home run derby to determine a championship.

Soccer would be more popular in the United States if it had a sudden-death format with whomever scoring first would win.  It would also help if they kept playing until somebody scored.

July 17, 2011 Posted by | commentary, editorial, humor | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

It Sounded So Good

Canada Government Dissolved

I saw that headline and did a snoopy dance.  The thought of Canada no longer sending spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber to taint the Great American Entertainment Industry was almost orgasmic.  I went to surf the web to make sure what I heard was correct.  It was… but it wasn’t.

It turns out that the Parliament was dissolved.  And “dissolved” in Canadian has a different meaning than in English.  All it means is that Parliament gets to go home and that there will be elections in May.  It is conceivable that after all is said and done that Stephen Harper will still be Prime Minister.

It is also possible that Canada will elect a new majority to Parliament and they will pick a Prime Minister who appreciates American entertainment and won’t send the next Anne Murray south of their border.  It is important that Canadians choose MPs that will not send spies to the Unites to cause even more damage.

I have heard rumors that one reason why Justin Bieber was sent here was because Gary Bettman is an American spy sent to destroy the NHL and hockey in general.  I believe this not the case.  While American-based teams have won every Stanley Cup since 1994, I doubt that Bettman is a spy.  He hasn’t done anything to help my Washington Capitals win a Cup.  The NHL’s woes are more likely because Bettman is incompetent than him being a spy.

Here’s to hoping Canada has a successful election and that Canada and the United States can have a healthy relationship without spying on each other.

March 26, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, editorial, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

A Hockey Endorsement

NHL All-Star and four-time U.S. Olympian Chris Chelios is the latest to endorse my campaign.  It is a tremendous honor to be endorsed by a future hall-of-famer and someone who has honored America by representing us in the Olympics, including being the team captain in 2006.

NHL Great and four-time Olympian Chris Chelios proudly endorses Ahmnodt Heare.

April 24, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, endorsement, humor, satire | , , , , , | 4 Comments

The NHL Hates the Capitals

I didn’t get to watch the Capitals’ game against the Blackhawks on Sunday because I was traveling back to New Jersey from Washington.  THis is why I was shocked to learned that Alexander Ovechkin was suspended for two games because of a hit he gave to Blackhawks’ defenseman Brian Campbell.

The NHL is not happy that the best team in the NHL plays its home games in AMERICA’S capitol and not somewhere in Canada.  (Though for some bizarre reason they love the Pittsburgh Penguins),  Caps’ Head Coach Bruce Boudreau said it best when he said that Ovechkin received a penalty and a suspension because he is stronger than anybody else.

Hockey is a man’s game.  This is one reason why I don’t play it.  Ovechkin never left his feet.  His left skate was on the goal line when he checked Campbell.  Campbell had plenty of distance between himself and the board when he was shoved.  But because he got hurt (broken clavicle and ribs), Ovechkin will serve a two-game suspension for a clean hit.

Let’s put flags on the skaters’ waists.  If somebody pulls a flag, than the skater is considered “checked” and must release the puck.  I fear this is the direction the NHL is heading.  If they keep playing soft, women will soon be allowed to play in the NHL.

March 16, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, editorial, humor, satire, Washington | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Proof the Maple Leafs Will Win the Stanley Cup

Hell has frozen over!

Hell has frozen over!

I did not think this would happen in my lifetime.  I have heard that it could happen.  The Boston Red Sox won a World Series in 2004 and I thought that would never happen.  An opponent’s supporter said that if the election was held the day that picture was taken, I would have won.  I think I can win in other days.

I know it starts getting cold in November, but it probably won’t get that cold in Hell.  There might be a few flurries, but it’s usually not that wintry in Hell.

If you’re a Maple Leafs fan, today is your day.  Your parade will be coming soon enough.  Congratulations!

December 8, 2008 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, Canada, commentary, election, satire | , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Proof the Maple Leafs Will Win the Stanley Cup


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