Back in Motion

After six months of an endless array of delays, I am finally back on track and I can finally resume campaigning (I think).   I have finally settled into my home in Delaware and can get back to whatever it is I do.

My first campaign stop is next Monday in Georgetown, Delaware.  My campaign manager is currently looking at a good place to campaign.  It shouldn’t be too hard because it is a small town.  But the way this year has gone, the only sure thing is that there is no sure thing.

I have received some harsh criticism for my comments about how I would have handled the government shutdown.  Contrary to rumors, i did not lock my parents in the closet all night.  I let them out in time to watch the 11:00 news.  Don’t worry though. When we go through this again in three months, I will continue to say I would do a better job.  If I didn’t think I could do a better job, then there would be no point in running for President.

Advertisement

People in my Life

Few things say more about a character of a man than the company he keeps.  The company I keep are some characters.  They are one’s steering committee in the platform called “life.”  Below are a few people who have been influential in my life:

• My parents – My father is a staunch Republican and my mother is a stubborn Democrat.  They have both been equally influential in making me an independent.
• My daughter Patricia – the inspiration in my running for President.  I don’t want her to have to think about being a celebrity sex-toy for a pedophile  Hollywood executive.
• Grandma Oudda – The only person I know who can add shallots to a dessert and still make it tasty.  She also believe I could fly when nobody else did.  (I found out later that I could not fly, but it’s still nice to have someone believe in my abilities.)
• Dave the homeless guy – Gave me valuable advice after college.  I keep his words like, “The people you’re trying to impress aren’t worth impressing” and “Don’t eat the yellow snow” in my heart.
• Holli Foxxx – A stripper at the nudie bar I go to –  She has taught me discipline.  She has taught me that no matter how long I see her naked, I will never parlay that into a sexual tryst.

There have been others who have been an influence in my life. (And not all of them were good influences.)  I doubt that either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney have had the potpourri of people who have been an influence to them that I have had for me.

Weirder by the Moment

My mother and my daughter are at my place.  My father is at a nearby hotel.  I am at the Starbucks across the street from the hospital I am staying at.

My father was kind enough to pick up my daughter on his way to my condo from Washington.  My daughter gets scared when my father freaks out when he drives.  (For some odd reason, she doesn’t get scared when I freak out when I am driving.  Since I do most of my driving in New Jersey, I freak out more than my father does.)

My daughter was so disturbed by riding up with my father that as soon as she got to my place, she told my mother that she wanted me to drive her home on Sunday, only I can’t because I was in the hospital.

The trip to the hospital was the result of my fainting and becoming unconscious while shopping for office supplies (staples, paper clips, model glue).  I was about to be released last night when the doctor who examined me saw some problems with my previous health records.  This doctor wanted to know how my other doctor came up with the conclusion that I had menstrual cramps and vaginal discharge.  There were other things I told the doctor that I didn’t tell him until after the bloodwork was done.

• I have had extreme body temperature fluctuations for the past week.  It’s been as high as 101.3 and as low as 96.8 though most of the time I have been at normal body temperature.
• I have lost eleven pounds in the past two weeks.  In the past, I would have been stoked because I was obese for a long time, but the sudden loss of weight has me near underweight.
• My farts smell really really bad.  The rule of thumb is that your own farts don’t smell as bad, but these last few farts hurt my nose.  I can only imagine the damage it is doing to the general public.
• I fell asleep during “Wheel of Fortune.”

More bloodwork is being done in the morning.  Hopefully it will just be a pill or two and maybe an antibiotic and I’ll be good to go.

 

What a Week!

It was actually only three days but it felt like a week.  The number one thing one is supposed to do after a heart attack or an injury is rest.  Somebody forgot to tell my parents.  The only thing I was able to do was shovel the snow the “Ahmnodt Way.”  That means shoveling the sidewalk and driveway and the perimeter around them.  The rule I use for the perimeter is this:  A length of the shovel plus the depth of the snow.  This is done to prevent the snowmelt from hitting the sidewalk or driveway, only to have it refreeze.

My father:  He wasn’t home from the hospital for more than one hour when he decided he had to fix the satellite receiver on top of the roof.  I told him I would do it, but he didn’t want to hear it.

My mother:  While I was arguing with my father, my mother was hobbling while lugging a basket full of dirty clothes to the laundry room.  She was also reaching for things like bowls while on her tippy-toes.

No matter how hard I tried to get them to relax, it was no use.  They don’t know how to relax.  All the pleading, begging, and bribing them to relax did not help.  To add insult to injury (pardon the pun), they did not return the bribe money.

I have given up and have headed home with my daughter for the weekend.  I’ll check on them tomorrow when I bring Patricia home.  Raising parents is tough!

Can’t Recover on “Recovery Day”

Yesterday was my birthday, but that is the least of the things I need to recover from.  I also need to recover from everything else that happened yesterday.

Breakfast:  Patricia wanted to make me breakfast.  I thought it was a good idea because I thought one of my parents was going to be in the kitchen helping her.  She decided to make pancakes and thought to make me one big pancake instead of a bunch of regular-sized pancakes.  She couldn’t find a way to flip the pancake because it took the entire frying pan.

Swimming:  We went swimming at the community pool.  I was in the pool with Patricia as she was swimming along the side of the pool.  A boy jumped in the pool without looking and his knee hit Patricia in the back.  I rushed her out of the pool.  She has a bruise on her back, but is otherwise fine.

Lunch:  We went to a local diner.  It was a bit busier than I would have like it, but diners are busy on Sunday afternoons.  My father ordered one scrambled egg, whole wheat toast, and a small tomato juice.  At least they got the toast correct.  He was also given two fried eggs and a large orange juice.  My father snapped like I hadn’t seen since I crashed his new Oldsmobile Cutlass into a telephone pole.  The owner of the diner was as fiery as my father and after a couple minutes we were thrown out of the diner.

My father was still in an extremely sour mood when it was time for my parents and Patricia to leave.  I did not feel comfortable letting my daughter ride while my father was irate so I summoned my mother to calm enough to have him calm enough to drive.  Keeping Patricia was the best decision under the circumstances.  Her mother was unhappy but understanding, and bringing her home on Wednesday works for both of us.

Bedtime:  Patricia is normally the sweetest child, but not last night.  she gets like my father was acting when she is tired but wants to stay up.  I thought she was never going to stop pouting and stomping her feet.  It was almost midnight before I was able to get her to bed.  Five hours later, I started my workday.