Roughed up in Philly

I have just returned from an impromptu and ill-advised campaign stop in Philadelphia.  I had spent the morning in Trenton, New Jersey meeting a client.  What was to be an all-day meeting was cut abruptly when my client received word that his sea monkey had passed away.  I can relate.  Losing a pet can be traumatic.  The meeting has been postponed until Saturday.  I don’t like working Saturdays, but “Mokko” (as he is known, though I do not know why) has been one of my best clients.

I was going to go home, but it was cold.  I decided to drive south to Philadelphia.  I drove around the streets of Philadelphia looking for something to do when I came across a cemetery.  I went into the cemetery and starting campaigning.

Two men in business attire walked up to me and asked what I was doing.  I told them I was campaigning for the 2012 election.  They told me to stop.  I asked why.

“They already know who they are going to vote for.” the taller of the two men said.  “They don’t need no competition.”

“You mean, ‘they don’t need any competition’.”  I replied.  “You used a double-negative.”

“Shut the duck up!”  The shorter guy said.  (Only they didn’t say “duck”, but my mother reads this blog.)

“Competition is good.  I think the deceased would like to hear what I have to say.”  I said.

“Not these dead people!” the tall guy replied.

The short guy went behind me and grabbed my arms.  The tall guy punched me twice in the face and twice in the ribs.  The little man then slammed me to the ground.

The only thing I can think of why people would beat me up in a cemetery is that some people who normally vote for Democrats voted for me in 2008 instead of Barack Obama.  Campaigning in cemeteries works better than I thought and getting beat up proves it.

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Campaigning in Maternity Wards

I will be campaigning in maternity wards in hospitals in the New York and Philadelphia metropolitan areas the next two weekends.  The reason why I am choosing maternity wards is twofold: To better understand the needs of parents for the 2012 election and to plant seeds in newborns for the 2028 election.  It is the latter that compels me to spend the next two weekends at maternity wards.

Election Day 2028 will fall on November 7.  In order to be eligible to vote for the 2028 election, the voter must be born by November 7, 2010.  This is only a few weeks away.  Any campaigning in maternity wards after November 7 will be geared towards the 2032 elections (for the newborns).

My biggest fear in campaigning in maternity wards (especially to the newborns) is that I might be doing this in vain.  If I serve two terms between now and 2028, they will not have an opportunity to vote for me.  Unlike Michael Bloomberg, I do not have a City Council that can overturn term limits.  I can’t even ask Congress to do it.  If I run for a third term, it would require overturning the Twentieth Amendment of the Constitution.  I only want to be president for eight years at the most.  After serving as President, I can have a long and lucrative career as an ex-president.

I will be in full campaign mode the next two weekends as I kiss hands and shake babies.  I will be a candidate for the mainstream candidates to reckon with.

Campaigning Schedule Postponed

Due to the excessive heat expected in the Northeastern United States this weekend, the campaign stops I had scheduled for this week is postponed until next weekend.  Temperatures in Philadelphia are supposed to reach near 100 degrees with the heat index approaching 110 degrees.  The weather is expected to be sunny with highs in the mid-to-upper 80s.

I will be heading to Rhode Island on Monday.  It appears that the oil spill will not being affecting Rhode Island after all, which means I am going to have to retrieve the boom I had lowered when I was there in early June.

Bad news:  The recession is now galaxy wide.  Darth Vader robbed a bank in Long Island.  He probably did it for his son, who is marrying a princess.  Weddings involving princesses are not cheap.  I will not chew more than I can carry.  While solving the economic woes throughout the galaxy is important, my main concern is solving the economic woes of the free world.  This will make it easier for aliens like Darth to find a job in the United States. (Providing that Darth is in the United States legally.)

Walk-a-Thon Update and Adjustments

The Walk-a-Thon for Affordable Entertainment Awareness will begin in a little over three months.  It starts in Atlantic City on October 9 and will end in San Diego on April 4, 2011.  Most of the nights I will be sleeping in a tent with my inflatable mattress.  One noticeable exception will be on November 2.  I will be in Pittsburgh at a soon-to-be-determined hotel for “Orgies for Abstinence III.”

I am having a custom designed cart built to carry the stuff I will need.  It is like a regular shopping cart, except with tires durable enough for almost 3,000 miles of travel and the ability to push it through snow.  It will also have a shelf that pulls out so I can continue working while I am in this walk-a-thon.  (Six months without working is too long.)  A hand brake is being installed so I can stop it and not worry about the cart rolling up and down mountains.

Below is a partial list of cities I will be stopping at along the way:

Philadelphia

Pittsburgh

Columbus

Indianapolis

St. Louis

Wichita

Guymon, OK

Albuquerque

Phoenix

Yuma

San Diego

Honolulu (Time Permitting)

If you are near the walking route and you would like for me to pass through your town, then feel free to send an e-mail by July 31.  I want to have the route finalized and more details as to when I will be on any given day soon after.

Phillies – Yankees World Series

I used to get excited about watching the World Series, but I am not excited this year.  The primary reason why I am not looking forward is because I am a Washington Nationals fan.  I am not looking forward to watching two teams who each won more than 40 games than my Nats.  And as a fan of most Washington teams (does anybody follow the Wizards?), it is easy to hate Philadelphia and New York teams.  Because it is easy to hate both cities’ teams, it is hard to root for either the Yankees or the Phillies.

I would have been watching “Dancing with the Stars”, but Tom DeLay, a popular endorser of my campaign, had to bow out due to stress fractures in both of his feet.  I can’t root for anybody on “Dancing with the Stars” either.

I will be watching Monday Night Football tonight.  I will be watching my Redskins play against the hated Philadelphia Eagles.  Sherman Lewis will use his recent experience to call plays like “Corners”, “Picture Frame”, and “X”.  It should confuse the Eagles.  It might even confuse the Redskins.  GO REDSKINS!

A New Direction

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Ahmnodt-Heare/2008/10/12/A-New-Direction

The link above is a recording of the radio show I hosted last night.  I talked about my responses to the Belmont Debate questions, the Wall Street debacle, and hockey moms being booed in Philadelphia.

Greetings From the Keystone State!

I am spending the next two nights in Allentown.  I chose Allentown because of the proximity to Philadelphia and Scranton.  The one drawback is that it is dangerously close to New Jersey.  I will be hopping from town to town between now and Tuesday.  When you hear people shouting “Ahmnodt Heare”, you’ll know I am nearby.