Keep Your Wedding Gifts

Your wedding day is a very special day.  You and your love will make a vow to love each other through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, through frick and frack, all for the rest of your lives.  A certain opponent of mine (who shall remain nameless though he currently resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC) wants you to have contributions to his campaign on your wedding registry.   Even if I wasn’t running a penniless campaign and I was accepting donations, I wouldn’t piggy-back off of a wedding or a birth of a child.  Not getting married and not being the father of your child are rewarding enough for me.

Just because I am not accepting money for my campaign (or spending money on my campaign) doesn’t mean I am not accepting money and spending money on other purposes.  Below are some of the things I am accepting money for:

• Nudie bar bill – Drinking at a nudie bar isn’t cheap.  The more I drink, the more compelled I feel to buy drinks for others.
• Take-out Food – I’d like to get a pizza or some Chinese food once in a while, but my fiscal conservatism prohibits me from doing that.
• Buying my condo – I could buy it now, but I do not wish to take out a loan.  Banks shouldn’t be paid just because a person wants something.
• A Bentley – One of my father’s friends bought one recently.  I didn’t get to drive it, but I got to ride in it.  It’s a sweet ride!
• A smartphone – The phone I have now is dumb as rocks.  It’s an old phone that has no function except for phone calls.

Even though I would like these things, I don’t want the money to come from somebody’s wedding registry.  Getting married is painful enough.  There is no need to share the gifts that are rightfully yours.

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Herman Cain Will Be Missed

Why am I going to miss Herman Cain if he is one of the candidates running against me?  I will miss him because the more opponents who are pretty much the same running, the better it is for my campaign.  With one fewer pro-Cinemafia candidate running, the pro-Cinemafia will have fewer choices, which will give more votes to the other candidates.

If pizza was to suddenly become a hot-button political issue, then Herman Cain suspending his campaign would be a big boost as I am the other candidate who loves pizza enough to eat it without utensils.

The Iowa Caucuses are one month from today.  If you live in Iowa and want to spread the word, this week will be a good week to picket movie theaters and spread the word on how I plan to make entertainment more affordable.  If you rather do something during the day, you can stand in front of a hospital and give out apples whilst discussing my “Apple-a-Day” health care plan.

I’ll be doing my usual debate thing tonight.  My comments will be on Facebook and Twitter.  If you have any questions to ask me during the debate, feel free to tweet @AhmnodtHeare or use the #ahmnodt hashtag.  The debate is hosted by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and will start at 8:00PM EST on FoxNews.

The Politics of Food

It seems like nothing is out of the reach of politics these days.  Congress is about to vote on a bill that would categorize pizza as a vegetable.  The “logic” to this is that the tomatoes in the sauce is sufficient enough for pizza to be a vegetable.  To the best of my knowledge, this would exclude “White Pizza”, which is composed by a variety of cheeses.  White Pizza would probably be considered to be dairy.

If we were to use logic like this, it would be only a matter of time before Cherry Coke would be considered to be a fruit juice.  Corn Chips, Potato Chips and French Fries will be considered to be vegetables because they come from a vegetable.  After Congress has run out of junk food to categorize as  fruits and vegetables,  they’ll start going further out of bounds.  It will only be a matter a time before they legislate ham as “Kosher for Passover.”

The rule for determining a fruit of vegetable should be something that can be grown and harvested and eaten without adding or altering the food.

Places like Pizza Hut may someday soon be considered a health food store with the fruits and vegetables in a day's diet from Cherry Coke and pizza.

Call Congress and tell your elected official that you will not be fooled.  (Unless you want to be fooled.  To tell you the truth, pizza and Cherry Coke are tastier than Broccoli and prune juice.

Confusion Over the Budget

President Obama submitted his budget proposal today.  After all of the talk about cutting spending, the budget is still$3.7 trillion, the highest budget ever.  Where I come from, when you cut from a budget, you end up with a smaller budget.  I am baffled as to how President Obama could cut $100 billion from the budget and still end up with a larger budget.

It’s like somebody weighing 250 pounds.  This person decides that for the next year, he or she will drink diet soda instead of sugar-sweetened soda.  After a year, this person now weighs 275 lbs because he or she ate more.  Instead of telling people that he or she gained 25 lbs, this person brags that 5 pounds were lost by switching to diet soda.

This is how government works their budgets.  They will tell you that they cut the budget because less is going to be spent on education and health care.  But they don’t tell you that more money is going towards the military and for government administration costs.

Don’t be fooled by them telling you that they are cutting the budget.  All they are doing is cutting spending in programs that matter to you and fattening their own pockets.  They’re sneaking an extra slice of pizza while bragging about their diet soda.

Put down that slice and tell President Obama to come up with a better budget.  Better yet, vote for me in 2012 and I’ll do it myself.

How a Slow Day Goes

I am taking this week off for two reasons.  The first reason is because the week between Christmas and New Year’s is not very productive.  People tend to be recovering from one holiday and looking forward to the next holiday.   The second reason is because few clients are looking for marketing projects in this time period.

I am also limiting campaigning this week.  It seems I do my best campaigning when I am busy with other things and running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Below is my schedule for today:

8:00 – Wake up, shower, get dressed, and walk the dog.  – Self explanatory for most people. For those who need more of an explanation, I will videotape the last two things I do on the list. I can’t videotape myself showering for legal reasons and I can’t videotape myself waking up because by the time I get the video camera, I am already awake.
9:00 – Walk to Staples – Staples is about 4 miles from here so it will take me about three hours to get there. I’m not a fast walker and I like to absorb the scenery.
12:15 – Arrive at Staples – I took mental notes of things I need for my office, like pens, paper, printer paper, and popcorn. I will buy these items later in the week when I drive to the store. I did buy a new GPS system. The old GPS was old and outdated. It had things like “Oregon Territory” on it. The new one I have has roads and bridges on it. It also updates itself and offers where gas stations and restaurants are.
3:00 – Stopped in the diner for a sandwich and a coffee. It was a slow time at the diner so there was nobody to talk politics with. One thing I noticed is the cook who normally wears a New York Giants cap was wearing a New York Yankees cap instead today.
4:30 – Arrived home – installed the GPS in my car.
6:15 – Walked the dog – just in time too as he pooped just past the bottom step.
6:40 – started writing this blog entry and ordered pizza delivery. I don’t like too many toppings so I limit myself to pepperoni, sausage, meatball, anchovies, chocolate chips and extra cheese.
7:30 – “Wheel of Fortune” – as if you didn’t already know why.

8:00 – Monday Night Football – Vikings at Bears – I will root for Minnesota because I don’t like Jay Cutler.

11:45 (approx. after football) – read and answer fan e-mail.

11:46 – Bed