Secrets I Will Take to My Grave

It is important for a presidential candidate to be able to keep secrets.  The President of the Unites States is given confidential information every day.  If this information is leaked, it could give the enemy an upper hand.  Sometimes the enemy is a terrorist group or a leader of a rogue nation,  Other times, it’s a political opponent that is the enemy who can destroy you with leaked secrets.  Below are some secrets I will be taking to my grave:

• Grandma Oudda’s one-night tryst with one of Congressman Steny Hoyer’s political opponents.  Since Steny Hoyer beat the opponent anyway, there’s no reason to mention his or her name.
• The secret to the marinade that Olvey’s Steak House in Dover, Delaware uses.  You will never hear it from me that the secret is two drops of vanilla extract.
• I will never rat out the police officer who gave me my first speeding ticket that I saw him buying drugs from my neighbor a few months later.  The police chief would not like that.
• I would never tell on my mayor.  Sure he took $5000 from the town treasury fund to help pay for his personal car, but it was on sale for a limited time more.  If he waited longer, then he would have to take more money to pay for the car.

Secrets told to me stay with me.  I will be a President that you can trust.

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Why I Have to Run for President

I was hoping that I would not have to run for President in 2016.  My life is getting more hectic as my parents’ health conditions are not getting better, my daughter and her mother are getting ready to move away, and the local “Hello Kitty” fan club is getting chaotic due to the lack of a fan club president.

The sad truth is that America is in bad shape now, and will continue to get worse if any for the popular candidates considering a run for president ends up getting elected.  Hillary Clinton isn’t going to fix anything.  Neither will Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, or Rand Paul.  they will just continue the same debacle of a plan that America has been on since George W. Bush took office in 2001.  America will soon cease to exist as we know it if any of these people get elected.  They all would continue to carry out the same policies that George W. Bush and Barack Obama have carried out.  My platform is refreshingly different.

We cannot continue to have our police harass the good people when there are so many bad people who need to be arrested.  People like drug dealers, hoodlums, and hipsters need to be taken off the streets and into a jail that doesn’t have internet.  The system that the government uses to calculate inflation has to change to a system that includes the prices of things that go up.  Otherwise, you end up with what we have now.  (“Low” inflation based on the cost of merchandise at Dollar Tree.)

We need a foreign policy that discourages the knee-jerk reaction of bringing the troops all over the world to intervene in every situation.  Our wars have to be few, brief, and fiscally responsible.  They also have to be fought as humanely as possible.

The IRS needs to be taken out of health care, day care, and lemonade stands.  The TSA needs to be taken out of airports and replaced with massage therapists.  The FDA has to be told that cell phones are neither a food nor a drug and that cell phones shouldn’t have to meet FDA guidelines.

I am running for President because I want an America that I, my child, your children, and Nadia Suleman’s children can live in without fear of government becoming bankrupt either fiscally or morally and can plan a better lives for their children and grandchildren.

 

A Royal Pain

Getting people to accept my new found royalty has not been easy.  I was pulled over for speeding this morning.  The police officer refused to accept my claim of diplomatic immunity and being King of the United States and issued me a ticket.

I called the chief of police when I got home and requested that the ticket be dismissed.  Even the chief of police refused to recognize my title of “King ” or my diplomatic immunity.  The chief and the police officer are lucky that I am not a vengeful king who wants their heads chopped off.

Finding a throne is proving to be more difficult than I had imagined.  The chair should look royal, but not gaudy.  It should be elevated so people know it’s a throne for a king.  The armrests should be wide enough to hold a remote control without having the remote dangle.  The one throne I saw was not for sale and is sitting in a museum.  I will also need a custom place suitable for holding a beer can when I want to watch a game on TV.

There will be no robe for this king.  Instead, I will don a polo shirt with a gold crown embroidered where the alligator on the Izod shirts is located.   “KAI” (King Ahmnodt I) will be embroidered and arc above the crown.

There is still work to be done before the Kingdom becomes fully operational.  The hard part will be getting the moat around my condo unit without it bothering the neighbors next to me on either side or the neighbor below me.  I also have to find a suitable place for a drawbridge and hope the condo board doesn’t get too upset once I have it installed.

The Drama Continues

Just when I thought my moving misadventures couldn’t get any worse, it did.  I had become impatient and decided to rent a truck and get my furniture myself.  The manager of the moving company gave me the key to the back of the truck.

I hired a couple of my neighbors for the day to help me unload the truck.  The trip there was long as crossing the George Washington Bridge took a long time.  We eventually made it to the garage where the broken-down truck was parked.  I parked close to the other truck.

We started unloading from the moving truck to the truck I was renting.  A police car pulled in to the lot and parked by the trucks.  He walked over to us and asked us what we were doing.

“We’re unloading my stuff.”  I replied.

“How do I know it’s your stuff?” the officer replied.

“The owner of the moving company gave me the keys to the back of the truck so I could get my stuff.  The delivery was supposed to go to Vernon, NJ, not Mount Vernon, NY.”

“Where are the rest of the keys?”

“Either inside or back at their office.  The truck broke down with my furniture and I would like to have it now.”

“You still haven’t told me how I’m supposed to know it’s your stuff.  Do you have a contract stating it is your furniture?”

“I left it at home.  I didn’t know getting my own stuff was going to be such a big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” the officer barked.  “The garage is closed and nobody is supposed to be on the property when the place is closed.  There is a ‘NO TRESPASSING’ sign over the door.  You’re going to have to put the stuff back in the other truck and leave.”

“It took me two hours to get here.  I’m getting my stuff!”

I don’t normally talk terse to an officer of the law, but I was tired and did not want to spend another night sleeping on a hard floor.

“You are charged with Criminal Trespass and with Attempted Larceny.  You have the right to remain silent…”

The officer cuffed me and put me in the squad car.  One of my neighbors had to get the keys from my pocket so they can head back home.  I said things that I cannot repeat in this blog because my mother reads it and she would be disappointed hearing that language from me.

When I arrived at the police station, I was fingerprinted and had my mug shot.  (I hope the mugshot doesn’t end up on The Smoking Gun’s website.)  I called my attorney and told her everything that had happened.  She told me there wasn’t much I could do because I didn’t have the contract on me.  There was probably one in the cab of the truck, but since I didn’t have the keys for the cab, I couldn’t access those papers.

I soon went to my arraignment and was released on $1,000 bail.   I had to take a bus into New York City and then another bus back home.

The movers just finished moving my furniture here to my new home.  The story does not end here though.  I have a court date for June 14 at the courthouse in White Plains, NY.  The attempted larceny charges were dropped because I was able to prove the furniture was indeed mine.  They are insisting on sticking me with the criminal trespassing though and I might end up spending time behind bars.

Out on Bail

I am out of jail after paying $1000 bail.  I was charged for possession of drugs.  The reason I am writing this is because you need to know what really happened and not what the Louisville Police are going to say.

It was around 9PM and I was walking through Cherokee Park in Louisville, KY.  A young man walked up to me and asked if I wanted to buy a brownie.  I knew the people in Kentucky were nice, but to offer to sell brownies at night us one of the nicer things I have seen in a long time.  I asked how much and he said $5.  I thought $5 was a lot of money for a brownie, but he seemed like a nice guy and I was getting hungry after spending most of the day campaigning.

He gave me the brownie in a brown paper bag.  I continued walking when two police officers approached me.  They asked me what was in the bag and I told them it was a brownie I just bought.  Then I asked me who I bought the brownie from and I told them I didn’t know the man’s name, but he seemed friendly.

The police took the bag and took the brownie out of the bag.  They broke the brownie in half and started to pick the leaves out of the brownie.  One of them then walked behind me and told me to place my hands on the back of my head.  The other one frisked me and made sure I didn’t have anything on me.

“Why am I arrested?”  I asked.

“Possession of Drugs,” replied the officer, “There’s hashish in this brownie.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I asked.

Next thing I know, I was in the police station being photographed and fingerprinted.  They took my information and placed me in a cell for the night.  This morning I was in front of a judge and was charged with 3rd degree possession drug possession.  It carries a possible sentence of up to a year.

Soon after, I paid my bail and left.  I have a court date on June 10.