Sneaking Up on Me

Election Day is less than a month away.  I hadn’t given it much thought because I moved within a month of Election Day and am ineligible to vote.  I’m not running for office this year, so there isn’t this “last-minute” campaigning that I usually do when after four years of campaigning I am still polling in the single digits.  (By “single-digits”, I mean single-digits of votes and not percentage of votes.)

For those who are new to the campaign, “Orgies for Abstinence” is a movement I started in 2009.  This event takes place twice a year.  The first one occurs the Friday after Easter.  This allows people who swore off abstinence for Lent to get back to their ways.  The second happens on Election Night.  This allows Americans feel what is like being a politician feels towards the people.  “Orgies for Abstinence” is just like fighting for peace.  Since politicians love the latter, it should make sense that they would like the former.

I haven’t planned an “Orgies for Abstinence” and it is unlikely that I will be able to plan one with the awesomeness that people expect from my Orgies for Abstinence campaigns.  I do plan on partaking on the festivities providing there is one happening on the Delmarva peninsula.  There is too much happening in my personal life (Taking care of my parents, looking for a business niche to fill, walking the dog every day, and finding a dominatrix who uses safe words I can pronounce.

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A Better Way to Name Hurricanes

People are offended when a hurricane bearing his or her name causes massive devastation.  There has been a massive decline in girls named Katrina.  This proposal changes the naming of tropical systems from names of boys and girls to names of politicians.  Not only does it keep the self esteem of boys named Issac, but it also gives politicians what they have always wanted.  Something named after them.In order to show bipartisan fairness, there are two lists alternating between Democrats and Republicans.

• The first tropical system will be named after Democrats in odd years and Republicans in even years.
•  The names shall alternate between parties.
• New names shall be used as old politicians retire or die.

Proposed Odd Year Names:

Akaka

Boehner

Clinton

Dole

Ellison

Foxx

Granholm

Hunter

Israel

Jindal

Kuchinich

Linder

Proposed Even Year Names:

Alexander

Biden

Crist

Dodd

Ensign

Feinstein

Guiliani

Hoyer

Inouye

Jackson

Kyl

Lautenberg

Orgies for Abstinence V

The United States have historically fought wars for peace. It must be working because we have been doing it for years. It is in this spirit that I believe we should promote abstinence through orgies.

Certain events prevented me from planning the last two “Orgies for Abstinence”, which could explain why they went so well.  I am back and want this to be the best ever!  Official “Orgies for Abstinence” events are held twice a year:

• The first Friday after Easter – This assures that all those who had chosen to give up abstinence for Lent to participate.  (April 13 is the Friday after Easter in 2012.)
• Election Night – This is an activity that allows Americans what it is like to be a politician.

I am a firm believer in abstinence.  The government has been saying that the “War on Drugs” has been working and that wars in the Middle East will bring a lasting peace.  It is in this spirit that I started the “Orgies for Abstinence” movement.  As of right now, there are 45 days until Orgies for Abstinence V.

Historically, I have involved myself with women who have been gung-ho for abstinence.  This is even after the alcohol I had given them.  They’re not giving in whether I am playing Barry Manilow, Barry White, or Betty White.

You can host your own event as many have in the past.  I have had them in hotel rooms in the past, but this year I will host it at my place.  If I want to drive a message home, it only makes sense that I drive it to my home as well as other places.

Heading to DC

Between yesterday’s earthquake and this weekend’s anticipated arrival of Hurricane Irene, I will be spending the rest of the week at my parents’ house in Washington.  Damage was minimal, but the framed picture of “Tippy the Turtle” of Art Instruction School fame that I drew for my mother for her birthday when I was a teen was damaged.  (NOTE:  The drawing in the first link is from the Art School.  My rendition is here:

The winds should not be hurricane strength as Washington is pretty far away from the ocean, but the rain will probably still be a problem.  My daughter is currently staying with my parents as her mother continues to recover from injuries in a car accident last month.

Things are pretty dead around here between the politicians being out for vacation and the earthquake closing many of the federal building and landmarks.  It’s times like this that make miss living in Washington.  The problem is that there are rare.

Ahmnodt a Role Model

People often look to others to set an example for themselves and others.  The last person that should be a role model is a politician.  I can break that trend.  People can look to me as an example (as long as they can overlook that I fathered a child out-of-wedlock and I was once arrested for possession of marijuana.)

Why most politicians are bad role models:

• Debt – Nearly every government at every level in the world has debt.  It is one thing to have debt as an individual.  It is another thing to incur debt on behalf of a group of people.  It is despicable that this is done year in and year out.
•  Sex Scandals – Most of the people thats get caught in sex scandals with politicians are not very attractive.  A few are downright ugly.  I pledge as President that if I ever get married, I will only cheat on my wife with the hottest women.
• Practice What You Preach – Many politicians do not practice what they preach.  Some don’t even practice what they legislate.   They will go as far as exempting themselves from the very laws they impose on us.  I think we have enough laws (too many laws if you include the laws that protect stupid people.)

Why I am a better role model:

• Drugs – I do not use drugs in public places or where cameras are present.
• I don’t use a payphone while driving.
• I have been a strong advocate of keeping predators away from children as well as lambasting producers of children’s shows for dressing girls like sex objects.

Choose your role models wisely.  Stay clear from career politicians, producers of children’s shows, and gym teachers.

Poor John McCain

Senator John McCain said he was misled by Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke and former Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson on the $700 billion TARP Program.  He should have sought the advice of somebody who is more fiscally conservative.

I was the only candidate who suggested politicians pay their fair share in taxes.  If Senator McCain listened to my jobs program, we would be out of this recession.  My bailout plan would have cost only $3 billion jobs and would create 270,000 new jobs.

The Blame Game

Instead of blaming the other person, politicians should do what I do:  Thank the other person for an opportunity to build one’s own character.  I don’t blame the driver who rammed into my car for demolishing my car.  I thanked her for allowing me to find an excuse to be late for work.