The Optimist in Me

I tend to be optimistic.  My pessimism is usually reserved to what I think will happen to the United States if I don’t become elected President this November.  But I am optimistic that this will be the last Presidents’ Day I will be celebrating as not the President until 2017 or 2021.

My optimism is not limited to my future.  I am optimistic about other things:

• The Washington sports teams (Capitals, Nationals, and Redskins) will all win championships in the same year soon.
• We will still be around on December 22.
• The Cinemafia will be defeated and entertainment will become affordable again.
• The “Ahmnodt in Sunglasses” look will be more popular than the Rick Santorum “sweater vest” look – even on winter nights.

There is a reason for my optimistic spirit.  It is because I have a history of knowing good things are going to happen.  Below are some examples:

• Vanna White getting a star on the “Walk-of-Fame”.
• “Friends” getting canceled.  (I never did like that show.)
• I would make millions thousands hundreds a couple dollars running my own business.
• I would find a diet I could stick to that would help me lose weight.  I drench my chocolate in hot sauce, which has all but abolished my cravings for chocolate and for hot sauce.

I will remain optimistic as long as good things happen.  Ideally, I would like to make the good things happen myself, but sometimes I have to rely on karma, faith, or good luck.

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Kicking it Up a Notch

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich will announce his intentions for running for President sometime next week.  The rest of the year will be filled with other presidential hopefuls.  I see this as two things:  That my days of running unopposed are numbered and that I had a 20-month head start and that might be too overwhelming for my competitors.

I have already planned my vacation from August 14-29.  It will include my second annual trip to Blanca Fest  and Saguache County, Colorado. I will drive to Colorado this year as this will allow me time to campaign during the drive from New Jersey.  I’ll be stopping in Cleveland, Chicago, Des Moines, Grand Rapids Nebraska, and Baltimore.  The return trip will include Kansas City, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Akron, and Las Vegas.

What the next presidents owes to the American people (whether it’s me, media Goddess Sarah Palin, or some other schmuck:

• A health care plan that is affordable for the American people that will not bankrupt the government.
• Jobs that pay well enough to afford the essentials:  Food, shelter, water, clothing, and entertainment.
• An education system that allows people to learn how bad government is.
• Replacing “Presidents’ Day” with Vanna White’s Birthday (February 18) as a national holiday.

There are 28 months until the 2012 General Election.  Together we can make this work and elect a working-class American as President of the United States.  (I mean me).

Executive Orders

One of the perks of being a President is the ability to carry out executive orders.  There is some controversy over the effect Executive Orders have over the balance of power.  Critics say that they give too much power to the Executive Branch.  I am sensitive to how others feel.  I plan on limiting the number of Executive Orders I will use.  The only Executive Orders I plan on using are:

• Declare the Chicago Cubs the 1994 World Champions.  The World Series was not played in 1994 due to a players’ strike.   This will alleviate much of the pressures of playing for the Cubs.
• Declare the Washington Capitals 2004-05 Stanley Cup Champions.  The 2004-05 hockey season was canceled due to a lockout imposed by the owners.  I would also like to see the parade go down Pennsylvania Avenue.
• Replace “Presidents’ Day” with “Vanna White Day.”  Americans should not be deprived of the proper celebration of Vanna White’s Birthday (February 18) because we celebrate the birthdates of presidents (38 of whom have since passed away.)

There are other Executive Orders I would want to impose, but I do not want to ruin the delicate balance of power between the Legislative and Executive branches.  Therefore, I will have to ask Congress to replace “Casual Fridays” to “Wet T-Shirt” Fridays.

A Look at my Platform – National Holidays

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on national holidays.

I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a Vanna White supremacist.

Some holidays do not make any sense.  We celebrate Columbus Day despite of the fact that he got lost trying to go to India and never landed on American soil.  Labor Day is a celebration of working, only we celebrate working by taking the day off.  Christmas is celebrated by going to parties with alcohol and other things Jesus would never do.  I think holidays should be relevant and make sense.  I propose the following holidays:

• Vanna White Day – February 18 – Vanna White has been a cultural icon for over twenty years.  She has maintained grace and dignity while the world of entertainment has gone to Hell in a handbasket.  This holiday would replace President’s Day
• Opening Day of the National Football League – First Sunday in September – I would get rid of the Kickoff on the Thursday before everybody else plays.  This holiday would replace Labor Day.
• John Lennon Day – October 9 – Some people will criticize me for choosing John Lennon because he is not American.   Neither was Christopher Columbus nor Jesus, but we celebrate their birthdays.  I would rather celebrate the birthday of one of the best songwriters ever than a guy who got lost.  If people really wanted to celebrate the birthday of someone who got lost, my birthday is on July 11.

Valentine’s Day is Four Days Early

Today is Valentine’s Day.  But it shouldn’t be today, it should be on Wednesday.  You’re probably asking why Wednesday?  Here’s why:

I will not be blogging on Wednesday in order to observe Vanna White’s Birthday.

Although I no longer belong to the Vanna White supremacist movement, I will still be observing Her birthday ( February 18 ) as a religious holiday.  As president, I would replace President’s Day with Vanna White Day.  Isn’t it time we had a holiday honoring a woman?  We have holidays for Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Dale Earnhardt (Alabama).  It’s time we had a holiday for a woman!

Happy Valentine’s Day for those who can’t wait to the real Valentine’s Day, February 18.