The New Battle Part II

The other day I mentioned my dislike of stores having “Black Friday” sales early Thanksgiving evening.  Today, pop-up ads will get to feel my wrath.  They suck – here’s why:

I have a computer that is pretty old.  Though my internet speed is pretty fast, it takes a while for the processor in my computer to process all of the data that streams to the computer.  I like to log on the computer, read what I need to read in e-mail and news sites, and get off to do things I have to do.
Pop-up ads are speed bumps on the information superhighway.  (It’s been a while since anyone has used the term, “Information Superhighway”, hasn’t it?)  Things go smooth until the computer hangs waiting for an ad to pop up.  the most annoying part of these pop-up ads is that they are NEVER for anything I want or use.  I have yet to spend a dime from ads shoved in my face.  I am baffled that people buy products from ads that are annoying.

How many of you have you ever tried the product above?  I never had, largely because I could only stand,hearing  “HEAD-ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!” once or twice before the urge to throw the remote control through the television screen becomes strong enough to give the person applying the product a worse headache.

Advertising is a large part of life.  I have no problems with ads that are properly placed and aren’t annoying.  If I wanted to get irritated, I would have gotten married.  When I’m at home or at work, I want things to go as smoothly and as pleasantly as possible.  Prostitution is a multibillion dollar-per-year business without using ads because prostitutes know that they can’t sell their services if the johns get annoyed.
My solution is strong, but it will work with help from those of you who are annoyed as I am:

1. Boycott the products that are popping up,  That alone will not be enough as I don’t buy pop-ups, but it’s the foundation of steps needed to stop pop-ups.
2. Write to the webmaster stating your displeasure in popup ads.
3. (If the first two steps do not work) Boycott the static ads that aren’t popping up.  One might say that it’s unfair that legitimate ads be boycotted, but so is shoving ads in your face and hogging up resources on your computer.
4. Quit visiting that website.  If nobody goes to a website, nobody will buy ads because nobody will see ads.

I haven’t made many campaign promises, but I promise to be less annoying than either the Republican, Democratic, or Green Party candidates. (And equally as annoying as the Libertarian Party candidate.)  Together, we can quit getting annoyed.

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A Good Sex Scandal is Hard to Come By

One would have figured with the frequency I attend nudie bars that I would have been caught up in a sex scandal by now.  Or that a lonely housewife would have been attracted by my presidential appeal and would want to get involved in a little something-something while her husband was at work.

Albee Thayer suggested I hire a prostitute.  There are a couple problems with that approach.  The first problem is that it’s illegal in every state except Nevada.  The other problem is that I only want the sex so I can get caught in a scandal that would give my campaign publicity, it would mean that i would be spending money on my campaign.  I refuse to spend money on my campaign.

I don’t want to make it look like I am trolling for women for sex.  (Even though I am.)  I tried asking for booty pics until my campaign manager advised against it, citing that I look more like a dirty old man than a presidential candidate.  I was going to send pictures of myself, but we all know what happened when former Congressman Anthony Weiner sent his pics to women.

I won’t be campaigning during the week this week.  I will be spending this weekend in Delaware and next weekend in Rhode Island as I resume my “Three Electoral State Blitz” and try to win the election with winning the three and four electoral states, New Jersey, and New York.

How I Would Have Handled the Secret Service Incident

I didn’t want to comment on the Secret Service’s problem in Colombia last week because as far as I can see it, they did nothing illegal.  The only thing they were guilty of was not paying enough for services rendered.  Prostitution is legal in Colombia and the President was not in Colombia for the summit yet.  President Obama was not harmed in any way and it seems that his safety was never in question.  Below is how I would have handled the situation:

• I would have met with the supervisors responsible.  I would ask them their side of the story.  Since my safety was never compromised and there are bigger issues the media needs to be covering, I would have paid the difference.  These men and women risk their lives to protect mine.  I would cover their backs and not let them hang out to dry.
• I would interview each member involved in the incident.  I would ask the same questions a consumer would ask when about to pay for a service.  The vetting process should not be limited to high positions in government.  Those who work on a job-by-job basis also need to be vetted.
• The secret service agents involved would then see a physician.  They would undergo the testing needed to make sure they did not come down with a venereal disease.  Those who had infected the agents would be disqualified from performing their duties on the President of the United States.

On the scale of things that are going wrong in Washington and in government, this is pretty low.  There are bigger problems that need to be fixed and I intend to fix them as President.

The Uniting of Two Issues

For those who are new to my campaign, welcome!  One of the issues I have been campaigning about is that entertainment is becoming cost prohibitive.  My favorite target to date has been the Motion Picture Association of America (or “Cinemafia” as I call them.)  Not only has the price of movies kept going up, but the price of going to a concert or a sporting event.

I am currently in Amsterdam studying prostitution in society.  Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam and I wanted to see the various effects it has on a society where it is legal.  My in-depth studying on prostitution stopped when I found out it was €200 ($272.92) for an hour with the prostitute I wanted to study.  I ended up spending the night studying prostitution from afar from my hotel room window.

I had thought about asking for money from the people in the streets for money for my research.  I concluded that a candidate for President of the United States should never ask for money, even if it is for a worthy study.  I believe that dealing with prostitution requires a “hands-on” approach.  From this moment on, I will be adding prostitution to the umbrella of entertainment that is no longer affordable.

I will be watching the early games of the NCAA Tournament before catching the 10:15 flight to Stockholm.  At least watching the games online are still free.

Greetings from Liechtenstein!

It is 4:46AM and I cannot sleep.  I am currently in Schaanwald (at the border with Austria.  The walk-a-thon will start at 9AM and will go through the towns of Nendeln, Planken, and Schaad before arriving at Vaduz, the capital.  Vaduz is near the border with Switzerland.  There will be a rally at Rheinpark Stadon and cookies will be served.

The cross-country trip is approximately 7 miles.  People here are outraged at the price of entertainment.  Because Euros are used here, it only makes it more expensive.  They were having similar infiltration of “entertainers” Ace of Base invading from Sweden in the 1990s, and they feel our pain with Anne Murray and William Shattner being in our country.  For some reason, they seem to like Celine Dion, but I digress.

Soon after the rally, I will fly to Amsterdam.  I was hoping to spend more time here, but I have been informed that in addition to the prostitution, I should analyze a couple of the hashish establishments.  They told me I should a lot of time for analyzing the hashish houses and the brothels before coming up with a policy.  My luck must be pretty good because some of the prostitutes I will be analyzing will be staying at the same hotel I am staying.

Campaigning in Europe

I will be campaigning in Europe next week.  Below is the schedule:

Monday 3/16 – London:  I will once again go to the U.S. Embassy and hold a rally for Britons to be allowed to vote for the leader of the free world.

Tuesday 3/17 – Dublin: No real campaigning, just partying with the Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.  This is also my daughter Patricia’s birthday.  I am saddened that I am unable to play quarters with her for her birthday. She will turn 6.

Wednesday 3/18 – Liechtenstein:  Cross-country walk-a-thon promoting affordable entertainment to Liechtensteiners.  Unlike the United States, Liechtenstein can be walked across in less than a month.

Thursday 3/19 – Amsterdam:  I will deeply examine their prostitution system and develop a strategy to develop a similar system in the United States.

Friday 3/20 – Stockholm:  Spring Training Camp with the Swedish Bikini Team.  I’m working on a political spin for this.  If you know one, please let me know.

Saturday 3/21 – Back to the United States.

Viva Las Vegas!

It is still dark here.  When I set my travel alarm for 8:30 last night, I forgot to set the clock for Pacific Time.  When the alarm went off at 8:30 Eastern, it was only 5:30AM here.  I don’t want to go too much about the hassle of going through security at the airport yesterday, but I now understand why PETA protests how cattle are treated.

The hard part of today will be going to Wal-Mart to get the dog food before gambling.  I also have to remember that the meetup is at 8PM tonight and that the seniors need help.  There are slot machines in the hotel where I am staying.  There are slot machines everywhere.  Last night I thought I was flushing the urinal when I saw the wheels spinning.  Two lemons and a single bar.  Nothing.

I also have to stay away from the hookers.  Not because of the money, but I might end up becoming preoccupied and miss the meetup.  It wouldn’t look good in the papers if it was found that I missed a meeting in my honor because I was screwing a potential voter.

The one drawback to running for president is that you can’t always have fun while hanging out in Las Vegas.  My only hope is maybe I’ll run into an Elvis impersonator.