Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Staten Island Chuck

I don’t know Staten Island Chuck’s lifetime record is in Groundhog Day predictions, but for 2012, he beat Punxsutawney Phil 1-0.  While Phil had predicted six more weeks of winter, Chuck predicted an early spring.  February was the warmest month on record in the northeastern US and March looks like it will be the warmest March ever.

Those in the northeast will be happy to know that I will not be wasting my time going to Punxsutawney next February.  I will instead go to Staten Island.  It is a much shorter drive and it will be easier to get access to Chuck to spray pepper his eyes so he won’t see his shadow.  This will allow another early spring for next year.

Thank you, Staten Island Chuck from the entire Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign team for making this the nicest winter ever.  I promise I won’t go overboard with the pepper spray next Groundhog Day and I’ll chuck the wood you would have wanted to chuck while you are recovering.

Choosing Staten Island over Punxsutawney is not without its side effects.  I will have to pay to cross the Goethals Bridge.  (The toll to cross the bridge is $12.)  I will have to pick up a pair of earplugs to drown out Michael Bloomberg’s whiny voice.  And because the Groundhog Day thingie is done in the morning, I will have to fight rush hour traffic pretty much the entire route.  (70 miles or at least 1 1/2 hours of rush-hour traffic)

March 19, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Punxsutawney Trip Canceled

I will not be making my annual trip to Punxsutawney, PA this year.  I had been making the trip the last couple of years since I watched the Groundhog Day ceremony on TV in 2009.  It was then that I noticed that the sky was cloudy and dark.  There should have been no way Punxsutawney Phil would have seen his shadow.  He saw it.  He saw his shadow because of all of the lights that were shining on him.  Those lights came from television cameras.  The media was to blame for six more weeks of winter in 2009.

2010 – I had to do something about this.  I made the trip to Punxsutawney and spent the night before at a local hotel.  My plan was to get there at about 6:30AM and get there before sunrise.  The plan included walking up to the cameras and filtering the lights enough to block the shadow caused by lights but not so much that people watching at home couldn’t see the groundhog.  The only problem was that I was unable to get to the cameras because there were over 10,000 people in attendance.  Phil ended up seeing his shadow.  A few weeks later, my town was hit with 2 1/2 feet of snow.

Shoveling 31" of snow made it hard to place the snow and the banks were over 7 feet high.

Last year I had everything planned perfectly.  I arrived at 3:30AM to a sparse park.  I had the filters for the lights and also brought pepper spray to spray in the groundhog’s eyes.  As I was making my move, I was approached by security.  They asked what I was doing.  I told them I was walking around and trying to get a better view.  They let me go but kept an eye on me.  Fortunately, Phil did not see his shadow.

There are a few reasons why I am not going this year.  The first reason is that winter has been mild this year with little snow.  This is a concern because I am walking distance to a ski resort.  The tourists who come here to ski drive me nuts, but they’re a necessary evil as more skiers equals more money for the town and fewer taxes I’ll have to pay next year.  The second reason is the campaign.  I will be in eastern Pennsylvania on the 1st and Connecticut on the 3rd.  Punxsutawney is too far out of the way.  Gas prices are too high for me to go anywhere but a straight line.

My apologies to anyone who had planned on meeting me this year in Punxsutawney.  It’s not a good year for the trip, but I will more than likely go in 2013.  (Hopefully as President of the United States.)

January 30, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Trip Canceled

The trip to Punxsutawney, PA, which was supposed to leave tonight, has been canceled due to bad weather.  The weather isn’t too bad here, but it will be soon.  Punxsutawney is experiencing freezing rain and it will continue to freezing rain there until tomorrow afternoon.

My hunch is that if there is going to be falling precipitation, then it will be too dark for Punxsutawney Phil to see his shadow.  If he does see his shadow, it will be because of the lights from those TV cameras like in 2009.

If it turns out that it is dark and overcast and the groundhog still sees his shadow, then I will be spending the day calling all of the television networks providing coverage and tell them my intent to boycott their major commercial sponsors.  The media prolonging winter just because they can will no longer be tolerated.  It is about time we had an early spring, especially with the brutal winter many Americans have experienced.

February 1, 2011 Posted by | campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, media, satire | , , , , | 4 Comments

Keeping an Eye on the Weather

Groundhog Day is Wednesday.  Although it is not a state or federal holiday, I will be taking the day off and tentatively heading to Punxsutawney, PA tomorrow night.  The weather might be suggesting otherwise.

Below is the weather predicted for here in New Jersey tomorrow:

Cold with snow, accumulating 1-3 inches; sleet and freezing rain mixed in late in the day.  Sleet and freezing rain at night.

This is the weather that will be waiting for us in Punxsutawney:

Sleet and freezing rain in the evening; rain and sleet, some heavy late followed by morning icy mix; cloudy and breezy.

And the weather I can expect on my way back home:

Breezy with snow, accumulating an inch or two; sleet and freezing rain mixed in early in the day.

The weather is going to be rough from the moment I leave until after I arrive back home.  The trip round trip will encompass (I always wanted to use that word) almost 600 miles.  If the weather turns out to be as predicted, then the trip will be postponed and we will go with Plan B.

Plan B involves being awake at 7:15 AM and sending telepathic messages to Punxsutawney Phil discouraging him from seeing his shadow.  I do not know if Plan B will work as I have never had a telepathic conversation with an animal.  If you have had a telepatic conversation with a groundhog before then you are invited in joining us in sending a message to Punxsutawney Phil.

January 31, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire | , , , , , , | 6 Comments

How Man Controls the Weather

I did not believe that man controled the weather.  I had always thought that rain came because a cloud came overhead and released water.  I had thought that the four seasons came every year at the same time.

I learned something disturbing today while watching Punxsutawney Phil come out of his hole.  It was a cloudy morning.  It was too cloudy for me to see my shadow, let alone Phil’s.  The TV cameras were aimed at Phil.  The cameras came with bright lights and they were all aimed at Phil.  Phil suddenly had a shadow and it was almost time for him to predict the weather.  I tried to get close enough to Phil to pepper-spray his eyes so he couldn’t see his shadow.  However, by the time I got close enough, he had already seen his shadow.

We would have had an early spring if it wasn’t for the television crews and their bright lights.  The mainstream media has robbed us of an early spring.  If these people love winter so much, then we can dump snow on their front door.  They can have their winter.  I want my spring.

It’s now 11:15AM Eastern and I have been up for 29 hours.  I was ready for bed hours ago, but I had to get this incident off my chest.

February 2, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, change, commentary, environment, issues, media, Platform, satire | , , , , , , | Comments Off on How Man Controls the Weather

Off to Punxsutawney!

I will be driving to Punxsutawney, PA after the Super Bowl. I see it as an opportunity to see a bunch of people and to campaign my global warming message.  The temperature will be in the upper twenties and dry.

I should arrive in Punxsutawney by 4:00AM.  I will stop at 3AM and give President Obama a call and make sure he is ready for the next crisis.  When I arrive in the Punxsutawney area, I will look for a hotel room for after the event.  I will head to Barclay Square once the room is booked.   I will converse with the people and telling them about my global warming ideas.

I will also bring pepper spray and spray Phil the Groundhog’s eyes before he gets to see his shadow.  I have had enough of winter for this year.

February 1, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, environment, issues, Platform, satire | , , , , | 2 Comments

   

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