Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

The Ram Venkatararam Case

Recent Picture of Ram Venkatararam

It has been a year since Ram Venkatararam was falsely imprisoned on kidnapping charges.  The District Attorney claimed that Ram kidnapped his former employee John-Sam from a Hare Krishna compound. Below are a few facts that the court refused to hear that prove Ram Venkatararam’s innocence.

  • John-Sam never returned to the Krishna Compound. – Kidnap victims are always returned to the place from which they are kidnapped.
  • Both John-Sam and Doris (Ram’s ex-girlfriend who used to drive the Snapple truck) have been missing since Ram’s trial.  By missing, I don’t mean “kidnapped”, I mean “hiding.”  I am not sure John-Sam is with Doris by free will.
  • Ram was an outstanding citizen! –  He kept people from loitering the streets by having them loiter in the snack aisle of his store.
  • Harassment by officials was nothing new to Ram – Local officials had often tormented him with archaic rules like keeping milk refrigerated, not allowing smoking in the produce aisle, and mopping the floors.

I had gone to the local District Attorney’s office in the past by myself.  I was always turned away.  I will attempt to go again on Monday at 10:00AM, but I will need help.  Anybody interested in freeing Ram should met me in front of the old Food Here Convenience Store at 9:45 AM.


March 10, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sometimes Doing Your Best Is Not Enough

I write with deep sadness that Ram Venkatararam was sentenced to 25 years in prison for what I believe is a bogus kidnapping charge.  Ram was not allowed to present my theory to the court and now he is spending his evenings romancing Bubba.

I have tried to help Ram.  I have offered my testimony.  I wrote a letter to the District Attorney disproving that Ram kidnapped John-Sam.  I took the judge and his staff out for dinner.  None of these traditional methods worked.

There are a few things we can do.  One thing we can do is plead for an appeal.  We can also ask President Obama to pardon Ram. We can find a baker who knows how to bake cakes and hide files.  We can all mail Ram a card to keep his spirits up.

Moral of the story:  Just because you have sucked at what you have been doing doesn’t mean you should give up.  Don’t give up until you have ran out of options.

May 3, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, editorial, issues | , , , , | Comments Off on Sometimes Doing Your Best Is Not Enough

Free Ram Venkatararam!

If anybody happens to see Ram, make sure he gets this card:  monopoly-get-out-of-jail-free-card

Ram is innocent of the kidnapping charges and I can prove it.  In order to a charge kidnapping on somebody, one criterion is that the person kidnapped had to want to stay from the place where he or she was snatched.  There is no evidence that John-Sam wanted to stay.  A kidnap victim would also return to the place where he or she was kidnapped.  There is no sign of John-Sam at the Krishna compound.  He was last seen with Doris, the Snapple delivery lady.

if the Krishnas thought he was kidnapped, there would have been posters all over the place and a TV ad telling people to call 1-800-KRISHNA if John-Sam had been spotted.

There will be a candlelight vigil in front of the 7-11 nearest the Food Here Convenience Store Saturday at Noon.

April 9, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, issues, satire | , , , , | 7 Comments

Save the Store!

I was saddened to hear that my good friend Ram Venkatararam has lost his store.  It appears that people weren’t buying his vintage dairy products or the pre-owned condoms and tampons.  I think the reasons are twofold:  The first is that people didn’t know there was a market for those products.  The second was the store never recovered from the losses that occured when Raj worked there.

We can help.  Money, while often helpful, can be a bad thing here since people around the world would want to help, the problem with exchange rates and fees hurt too much.  I suggest instead, that we use the universal currency: Marlboro Miles.  Gather all the Marlboro Miles you can and mail them to:

Ram Venkatararam

c/o Toronto Public Library

Toronto, ON, Canada

February 23, 2009 Posted by | Bailout, economy, editorial, issues, satire | , , , | Comments Off on Save the Store!

Lesson Learned

“Be the First to Market” – Marketing 101

I had thought about having a “Win a Date with Ahmnodt Heare” contest.  My biggest problem has been that i never remember about it when I am at the computer.  I can’t do it now because that idea’s been done by my friend Ram Venkatararam.  He also was first to come up with the “blog of the week” idea.  His being first to market is why everybody shops at the Food Here Convenience Store.

This is a lesson learned.  For now on, when I come up with a good idea, I am going to mention it before Ram.  If I forget about it when I get to the computer, I will do a chant to make sure Ram forgets too.

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, satire | , , , | 2 Comments


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