Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

A Good Sex Scandal is Hard to Come By

One would have figured with the frequency I attend nudie bars that I would have been caught up in a sex scandal by now.  Or that a lonely housewife would have been attracted by my presidential appeal and would want to get involved in a little something-something while her husband was at work.

Albee Thayer suggested I hire a prostitute.  There are a couple problems with that approach.  The first problem is that it’s illegal in every state except Nevada.  The other problem is that I only want the sex so I can get caught in a scandal that would give my campaign publicity, it would mean that i would be spending money on my campaign.  I refuse to spend money on my campaign.

I don’t want to make it look like I am trolling for women for sex.  (Even though I am.)  I tried asking for booty pics until my campaign manager advised against it, citing that I look more like a dirty old man than a presidential candidate.  I was going to send pictures of myself, but we all know what happened when former Congressman Anthony Weiner sent his pics to women.

I won’t be campaigning during the week this week.  I will be spending this weekend in Delaware and next weekend in Rhode Island as I resume my “Three Electoral State Blitz” and try to win the election with winning the three and four electoral states, New Jersey, and New York.

June 12, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Campaigning Schedule Postponed

Due to the excessive heat expected in the Northeastern United States this weekend, the campaign stops I had scheduled for this week is postponed until next weekend.  Temperatures in Philadelphia are supposed to reach near 100 degrees with the heat index approaching 110 degrees.  The weather is expected to be sunny with highs in the mid-to-upper 80s.

I will be heading to Rhode Island on Monday.  It appears that the oil spill will not being affecting Rhode Island after all, which means I am going to have to retrieve the boom I had lowered when I was there in early June.

Bad news:  The recession is now galaxy wide.  Darth Vader robbed a bank in Long Island.  He probably did it for his son, who is marrying a princess.  Weddings involving princesses are not cheap.  I will not chew more than I can carry.  While solving the economic woes throughout the galaxy is important, my main concern is solving the economic woes of the free world.  This will make it easier for aliens like Darth to find a job in the United States. (Providing that Darth is in the United States legally.)

July 24, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, economy, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“Oil-in-Water”-Gate

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be writing about the BP oil spill any more.  There wouldn’t have been an explosion on April 20 because the rig workers would have been doing something more constructive.

Since there was an explosion (and hence the perpetual oil disaster), BP would have promptly started containing and cleaning up the oil before the oil reached the Gulf coast.  The federal government would have stepped in as soon as it appeared that BP wasn’t able to contain the oil.  Both BP and the government would have listened to suggestions that others had.

An accident has turned into a disaster.  BP and the federal government’s poor response has lead to “Oil-in-Water-Gate”  Globs of oil have polluted the shorelines.  Plumes under the gulf seem to be getting larger.  Not only do Americans know what  the word “plume” is, we’re using the word in everyday conversation.  This needs to stop.

BP’s cleanup seems to be limited to the oil they are siphoning near the leak and only because they are able to refine that oil and sell it.  Most of the people cleaning up the spills are local people who just happen to like clean coastlines where they live.  There is a minimal presence from BP and the government when it comes to cleanup.

I will be back in Rhode Island in two weeks and lay down the rest of the boom.  I would do it sooner, but it will take that long to get 40 miles (minus 300 feet), a ship large enough to carry the boom, and enough volunteers.  My biggest concern is that the oil might be in Rhode Island’s coast by then because not enough is being done now.

Here is a video on how the oil spill started:

June 9, 2010 Posted by | commentary, editorial, environment, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Lowering the Boom

It took me a while to find volunteers to help me lower the boom.  That was the least of the problems.  I was able to get a boat, but it was much smaller than I thought I would have liked.

Jared the boat operator navigated out of Providence Harbor towards Block Island.  The boom was supposed to be at the dock for us to pick up.  When we arrived at the dock, there was no boom, but a middle-aged man who told us we had to get the boom in the office.

The building where the office did not seem that big.  There was no way there was 30 miles of boom.  I shouldn’t be complaining though because there is no way we could fit it in the boat.  We soon got in the office and saw the boom.  It wasn’t 30 miles or even 1 mile.  It was 300 feet.  It was all they could get on short notice.

300 feet suddenly seemed like a lot of boom when it came time to take it out to the boat.  Boom is heavy.   We were able to get it from the building to the boat.  The hard part was finding a way to get the boom in the boat.  Jared got on the boat and made room for the boom.  The rest of us hoisted the boom up to Jared.  Foot by foot by agonizing foot, the boom was hoisted and placed until the entire boom was on the boat.

The boom was loaded and we were ready to head out.  Jared suggested we go a half mile south of Block Island.  There will be critics that will say that 300 feet of boom will not do a thing.  Every little bit helps.  There is still time before the oil from the Gulf of Mexico reaches Rhode Island.  The 300 feet will be a starting point for the boom to be placed in the weeks to come.  Preparing now and not waiting until the last minute will save Rhode Island from having tar balls on its beaches and waterway.

June 5, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire | , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Weekend in Rhode Island

I am back in full campaign mode and I am starting off in the state of Rhode Island.  This is a last-minute decision and I don’t have a plan yet.  The plan is contingent on events happening through the state, which I will look at soon.

One of the things I will be doing this weekend (probably tomorrow) is heading to the coast and set up boom from the Connecticut border to the Massachusetts border.  All I need is a ship, 40 miles of boom, and some volunteers.  The boom will be used to block oil from entering Rhode Island.  Though the oil is still 1,000 miles away, now is the time to act.  Other states have dilly-dallied and are now paying the price.

This weekend will not be limited to setting up the boom.  There are other issues that I will be addressing.  As soon as I set a schedule, I will post them on my Twitter account.

June 4, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, environment, humor, satire | , , , , | 3 Comments

Assessment and Execution

Below are the goals I had set in January for the campaign for 2010.  I have raised the bar as high as I could without throwing out my shoulder.

  1. Averaging 500 unique hits per day on this website.
  2. 1,000,000  results when people search for “Ahmnodt Heare” on Google.  (we are currently at 17,600)
  3. Enough write-in votes in upcoming primaries (Democratic and Republican).
  4. At least 1,000 blogs mentioning Ahmnodt Heare and the campaign.
  5. An “Ahmnodt Girl” video.
  6. At least five national television appearances (broadcast or cable).
  7. One scandal involving a multitude of women.  (More people are talking about Tiger Woods now than ever before!)

So far I am not near accomplishing any of these goals.  I couldn’t accomplish goal #7 even after hosting an “Orgies for Abstinence” event a few weeks ago.  This is not to say that the campaign is not growing; it’s not growing as fast as I like.  I take full responsibility for the parts that are my fault.  Like not following my 2009 map strategy.

I have already made some plans.  I will head up to Wyoming, Montana, and the Dakotas for a week following BlancaFest.  I drive through Delaware several times a year traveling between here and Washington, DC.  I can stop in Vermont and Rhode Island the next time I go up to Boston.  I already have campaigned in Washington DC and will do so in the future.  I fee confident I can win there as Washingtonians will want to elect one of them (I was born and raised in Washington DC).

This leaves me to Alaska.  It’s not on the way to anything and population centers are hundreds of miles apart.  And now that Sarah Palin is doing her thingie in the lower 48, it is harder to find an excuse to go to Alaska (besides going to Wasilla to see Russia.)

I have a lot to do between now and the Presidential election.  There are only 923 days left until the Election to get everything done and get the exposure my campaign needs.

April 28, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, humor, politics, satire, Washington | , , , , , , | 10 Comments

   

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