Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

An Invitation for Santorum Supporters

Former Senator Rick Santorum suspended his campaign yesterday.  The media is painting this as a Romney victory for the GOP nomination.  It is much more than that.

Many of Rick Santorum’s supporters feel disenfranchised now that their man is out of the running.  They don’t really like Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul.  They also feel that Mitt Romney is an Obama-like Republican and they will be hesitant to vote for him in the general election.

It is this reason that I invite Rick Santorum supporters to join my campaign and vote for me in November.  I am neither Mitt Romney nor Barack Obama.  I don’t believe that health insurance should be mandated at any level of government.  I would not have bailed out the banks or failing companies.

There are some differences between Senator Santorum and myself. I do not look dapper wearing a sweater vest.  My name is not yet a household name (or outhousehold name.)  I don’t have anything named after me.

If you want a better America than what either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama are offering, then I invite you to join my campaign and to vote for me in November.  Together we can do this!

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April 11, 2012 Posted by | campaign, commentary, editorial, election, health care, humor, Obama, politics, satire | , , , , , , | 8 Comments

An Easter Story

This is not your typical Easter story.  It has nothing to do with bunnies, eggs, chocolate, bonnets, or the resurrection of Jesus.  And although it does involve a family outing, it wasn’t my family with the outing.

I went to the Chinese restaurant for take-out to bring home.  Circumstances prevented me from traveling to see family this year,  so dinner was going to be a quiet day alone.  I couldn’t even do that right.  I ran into my neighbors, who were there for their family Easter Dinner.  They invited me to join them.  I did under the pretense that it was just my neighbors and their two children.  It was his parents, her parents, his mother’s brother, the wife’s brother and sister, their spouses and children.

His family and her family do not get along.  The reason why they had dinner at the Chinese restaurant to begin with was because their families couldn’t agree on who was going to host dinner.  The only restaurants in town open on Easter were the Chinese restaurant and the diner and the diner parking lot was full.

Like any other family disaster, the topic during dinner was politics.  I really didn’t want to do anything near campaigning because it was a holiday and I just wanted some peace of mind after the week I had with the tests and April Fool’s Day and all the other fiascoes I had to deal with.  The husband’s family are Obama supporters, the wife’s family are Romney supporters, and the nosy people dining at the table behind me were Santorum supporters.

It was only a matter of time before I had enough of the bickering and touted why I would be a better candidate than any of those people.  They ridiculed everything I said though all three of their candidates would equate to yet another George W. Bush term (The second straight term served by someone other than George W. Bush.  We were all escorted out by police following the food fight and loud vulgar language.

This weekend and this Easter were disappointing.  I am looking forward to getting back to the grind tomorrow.  Winging it just isn’t working.

 

April 8, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, humor, Obama, Personal Life, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Process of Elimination

I know it is hard for my supporters to believe, but there are some people who are not impressed with my platform.  Some people think that I am not a “viable candidate.”  (Many of those people had donated to Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, and that other guy, but have nothing to show for it.)  Before you decide not to vote for me, let me show you why none of the candidates I am about to mention are worthy of your vote.

Barack Obama:

  • Promised the US would get out of Afghanistan.
  • Promised a more transparent government.
  • Plagiarized “RomneyCare” and re-named it “ObamaCare”.
  • Picked North Carolina to win the 2012 NCAA Tournament.

Mitt Romney:

  • Is against “ObamaCare” but favors the pre-plagiarized “RomneyCare”.
  • Changes his position on issues more often than most people change underwear.
  • Looks like the guy I bought an AMC Pacer from at the used car lot.

Rick Santorum:

  • Tried to represent Pennsylvania as Senator while living in Virginia.
  • Lost by 16% in his last re-election attempt.
  • Is thought of by others to have a frothy mix of fecal matter and anal lube named in his honor.

Newt Gingrich:

  • Is Newt Gingrich.
  • Has a bad habit of dumping his wife when she gets cancer.
  • Is the only House Speaker to get slapped with a slew of ethics charges.

Ron Paul:

  • Is old.  Really, really old.
  • Is hated by his own party more than by any other party.
  • Doesn’t get asked many questions in debates.

Other party candidates have yet to be announced.  They are all going to have a hard time competing with President Obama and whomever wins the Republican nomination with almost no interviews on national TV, not being mentioned in polls, not being invited to debates, and not raising the hundreds of millions the Democrats and Republicans raise for their candidates.  (I speak from experience here.)

I have a full detailed platform that is from common sense and not from party pandering or from lobbyists.  If you vote for anybody else besides myself or Ron Paul (I had to reach for his negatives), then I have to wonder what you are thinking.  Forgive me for the bluntness, but there’s no way to sugarcoat my reaction to such stupidity.

March 27, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, Democrats, editorial, election, humor, issues, Obama, Platform, politics, Republicans, satire, voting | , , , , , | 4 Comments

My Take on the Republican Race for President

Current Delegate Count (as of 3/26/2012)

Romney – 568

Santorum – 273

Gingrich – 135

Paul – 50

Heare* – 0

*Not a Republican

Continuing the Republican Primary race until June would be more exciting if the race was close.  Romney has double the delegates of Santorum, who has double the delegates of Gingrich, who has double the delegates of Paul, who has double the delegates of Heare, who has as many Republican delegates as Barack Obama.

Barring a major scandal, Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee for President.  Most political pundits will tell you that who becomes President depends on who is the better candidate.  There is a truth in that in elections that neither candidate is an incumbent.  What matters in the elections with an incumbent is the state of the country.  If the country is in bad shape, then anybody can beat the incumbent.  The incumbent can beat anybody if the country is in great shape.

My chances are better because the country is not in very good shape.  The economy is still improving, but will stall when gas hits $4.50/gallon in May.  Crime is down right now but will increase with the increase in gas prices.  Justin Bieber is still in this country.  (As a reminder, I am the only candidate who has discussed the importance of deporting Bieber.)

There will be no more debates.  This helps Romney more than the other candidates because he’ll be on TV live less and fewer people will see his blunders.  This hurts Ron Paul the most because he was getting the fewest questions during the debates.  He tended to get more votes in primaries and caucuses following a debate.  I am the same way, which is why I wasn’t even invited to debate.

Instead of the Republican race being a tightrope event waiting to see if the tightrope walker can get to the other side, it’s the last days of a terminally ill patient that Americans are watching and hoping for the best.

March 26, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, economy, editorial, election, humor, Obama, politics, Republicans, satire | , , , , , | 4 Comments

Potpourri

I am having a hard time spending time writing on any one subject largely due to my mother still being here.  If Mitt Romney is the “Etch-a-Sketch” candidate then I am the “Lite-Brite” candidate.  I always say the same thing, but how pretty the message us depends on the colors of the bulbs.

Global Warming – I don’t normally start fighting it until Memorial Day weekend.  I might have to start fighting it soon though.  Today’s high was 77°F (The normal high in northwestern New Jersey on March 22 is 49F°.)

Tim Tebow – For the first time since Joe Namath was a Jet, there are Jets fans west of the Delaware River.  The Jets might not make the Super Bowl even with Tebow, but people are suddenly buying Jets jerseys.  The Broncos bandwagon is now being painted green and white.

Meetings – This week’s campaign meetings were held telepathically.  I have found a Ouija board to be helpful in getting the messages that I miss.

Zombies – I am not sure they are going to be the demographic that I was hoping they would be.  It seems that the Republicans have been campaigning for their votes with the zombie vote being split between Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.  Mitt Romney is still getting the vampire vote.

NCAA Tournament – My bracket has more red ink than a federal budget.  No further comment is necessary.

I am trying to talk to my father into coming up tomorrow for the weekend.  I don’t want my mother to know that he might be coming up.  (Mom, if you’re reading this, read something else and resume at the next paragraph.)  If this works, I can get back to normal on Monday.  I have to call my father and ask him to pick up my daughter even though my daughter is afraid of him.

Mom, this is where you can resume reading.  You had no business reading the last two sentences of the previous paragraph.  I’ll be done in the morning on business.  If I finish soon enough, I will be going to Washington to pick up Patricia.

I will be doing some campaigning this weekend.  Where I campaign depends on whether my daughter is here or not.  Her ninth birthday was last weekend and I wasn’t allowed to see her so I get her this weekend.  I bought her a cell phone for her birthday so she can work the phone bank for the campaign.  She has an irresistible voice and might be able to get more people to vote for me than the zombies.

I’ll be there in a minute, Mom! …

March 22, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, environment, humor, Personal Life, Republicans, satire, Washington | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Please – No More GOP Debates!

The GOP had their 20th debate last night.  One thing I noticed about many of these debates is how my health tends to deteriorate during debates.  I can’t explain it.  The same thing happened with the 2008 general debates between Senators Obama and McCain.

It would be easier to understand if I was on stage in any of these debates.  I haven’t been on stage for any debate except for the debate of Independent Presidential Candidates in 2009.  I did not get ill during that debate.

It would be easy to understand if I didn’t have a solid platform and wasn’t consistent in my beliefs (besides capital punishment which I still have no position).  But nobody has attacked my views on the issues during these debates.

It can’t be because I am live-commentating on the internet.  I have done that for other things without getting sick.  I have a talk show (it was on hiatus) that I talk live and take phone calls from whomever calls.  I do not have anybody to screen my calls, so I do not know who will call.  It could be an avid supporter, a citizen who wants to ask questions or a Howard Stern fan calling to say, “Baba Booey.”

I think what is making me sick is the questions being asked.  They keep asking about foreign policy and abortion and not questions about the issues people want to have answered: “How would you fight the Cinemafia”, “Does this pass the ‘Vanna’ test?”  “What would Joyce DeWitt do about a specified topic?” and other issues tugging at the hearts of Americans.

I was running a fever of 101.3F last night.  I felt fine before the debate and I feel fine now.  There is a debate scheduled for March 19.  This is after Super Tuesday.  If it looks like that either Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, or Vermin Supreme are going to run away with this, then it will be canceled.  If it’s still muddled after Super Tuesday, then it will be the last GOP debate.  I’ll be stocking up on Vitamin C just in case.

February 23, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, debate, humor, issues, media, Meeting of Independent Presidential Candidates, politics, satire, Vanna White | , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

The Optimist in Me

I tend to be optimistic.  My pessimism is usually reserved to what I think will happen to the United States if I don’t become elected President this November.  But I am optimistic that this will be the last Presidents’ Day I will be celebrating as not the President until 2017 or 2021.

My optimism is not limited to my future.  I am optimistic about other things:

  • The Washington sports teams (Capitals, Nationals, and Redskins) will all win championships in the same year soon.
  • We will still be around on December 22.
  • The Cinemafia will be defeated and entertainment will become affordable again.
  • The “Ahmnodt in Sunglasses” look will be more popular than the Rick Santorum “sweater vest” look – even on winter nights.

There is a reason for my optimistic spirit.  It is because I have a history of knowing good things are going to happen.  Below are some examples:

  • Vanna White getting a star on the “Walk-of-Fame”.
  • “Friends” getting canceled.  (I never did like that show.)
  • I would make millions thousands hundreds a couple dollars running my own business.
  • I would find a diet I could stick to that would help me lose weight.  I drench my chocolate in hot sauce, which has all but abolished my cravings for chocolate and for hot sauce.

I will remain optimistic as long as good things happen.  Ideally, I would like to make the good things happen myself, but sometimes I have to rely on karma, faith, or good luck.

February 20, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire, Vanna White, Washington | , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

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