Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Keeping My Options Open

It might be hard to believe, but there is actually a chance that I will not be elected President of the United States.  Being the Boy Scout that I was for a week in 1987, I must be prepared for life should I not win the election.  Below are some of my options:

  • Become a commissioner of a major sports league.  I have already shown how I would handle problems currently in the NFL and NHL.  I could also be a good commissioner for the NBA and Major League Baseball.
  • Become a reality television star.  My life is hectic enough to make for entertaining television.  The one drawback would be that the show’s producers would have to censor by covering-the-boobies and other lady body parts when I visit the nudie bar.
  • Run for Congress, Senate, Mayor, or other public office.  I am leaning against this option.  People say they want a president with experience in dealing with government.  The Democrats chose President Obama and the Republicans chose Ron Paul Mitt Romney.  Most people don’t want the experience they have in the White House, especially ObromneyCare.  This is why I chose to run despite not having political experience.
  • Write that book I have been putting off writing since 1996.  I will have time after Election Day to pursue this should I not win the election, though I still think I am going to win.  The reason why I think I will win is because unlike the other candidates, the media has said nothing negative about me, my policies, or my campaign.
  • I could offer myself to play the role of Christian Grey in the upcoming “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie.

There are only 41 days left until Election Day.  Pick up your absentee ballot by next Friday if you haven’t done so already.  Don’t forget to help the elderly with their absentee ballots, including filling in my name for President so that they don’t have to labor with writing.

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September 26, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, election, humor, Personal Life, satire, voting, write-in | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hey, I Tried

I was hoping I could watch the Republican and Democratic Conventions without falling asleep.  There was hope the Republican convention could actually get exciting with Ron Paul’s delegates causing some kind of ruckus.  I heard through the grapevine that they did cause some commotion, but the media brushed it aside.

Watching the opening of today’s activities was not like watching paint dry.  It was more like listening to paint dry.  I do not know if RNC Chair Reince Priebus was drunk or is uncomfortable speaking in front of people, but that boy didn’t look right today.

I was considering joining a political party but thought better of it.  But neither party has many good ideas and it shows.  The best thing about being an Independent is that I can take the 2% of the Republican ideas that are good and the 2% of the Democratic ideas that are good and combine them with the 70% of the Libertarian, Reform, Green, Constitution, and The Rent is Too Damned High parties as well as the ideas I have kicked up over the years.

While there will never be a party convention for independents, that gives me more time to spend with real Americans while the other candidates hang out with party big-wigs with personalities of a wet dirty mop.  Time to clean the mop and ring it out.

Watching a party convention is like watching a telethon.  It’s all about a disease for which there is no cure and they want your money.  I don’t want your money.  It’s hard to like someone who does want your money.  Even a political novice like myself knows that an independent cannot get votes if nobody likes him (or her).  That’s why i try to be likable.

August 28, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, humor, politics, Republicans, satire | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Here Now the News

I am able to pick up on most things before anything else.  What I was told today seemed to be one of those things I should have figured out right away, but ended up being the last person to know.  (Like the person who finds out his or her spouse has been cheating for years.)  I was told today that the media will make ANYTHING a news story just to make sure word of my candidacy and my campaign never makes it to the news.

There is a lot happening in the world, but three stories have been dominating the news all week.  One is somewhat understandable as it involves the President of the United States (The current one, Barack Obama, not the future one, Ahmnodt Heare.)  President Obama had flipped-flopped “evolved” his views about gay marriage and decided to favor it.  “Tanorexic Mom” and “Stripper Hot Dog Vendor” were also news stories, though neither of those stories will affect more than four or five people.  The latter two stories are only news stories because the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know I am a candidate for the President of the United States.  I believe this is because the same people who own the news networks also own the motion picture studios.

The alternative media hasn’t treated my campaign any better.  Instead of focusing on people who can solve problems (me), they chose to conjure all kinds of conspiracy theories.  Everything from the “second shooter” to “inside job” to “new Coke” were discussed in painful detail with little chance to hear the solutions I have to offer.

It is this reason (among others) that I have said in the past to “Tell all of your friends and half of your enemies about my campaign.”  The media won’t mention me, and because I am not a millionaire, I still have to work for a living and cannot campaign 24 hours a day 7 days a week like Obama or Romney.  I can’t give speeches on the floor of the House of Representatives like Ron Paul.  I can’t even find a boot that fits on my head like Vermin Supreme.  I am just one man on a mission to make America better than Belarus.

May 10, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, election, humor, media, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Important Message for North Carolina Democrats

Tuesday is North Carolina’s Primary in North Carolina.  President Obama has assured himself enough delegates to be the Democratic Party’s nominee.  There is a very important issue at stake this Tuesday that needs your vote.  It is on Amendment One.  (The Same-Sex Amendment).  North Carolinians will be voting on this issue regardless of party affiliation.  I am appealing specifically to Democrats for two reasons:

  • Democrats are more likely to vote “No” on Amendment One than Republicans are.  Republicans are going to go to the polls on Tuesday even though Mitt Romney is the presumptive nominee.  Ron Paul is still in the race and his supporters will vote.  The question with Ron Paul supporters is will they be the Republican Ron Paul supporters who agree with him that marriage is between a man and a woman or the Libertarian supporters who believe that the state has no business in marriage whatsoever.  Mitt Romney supporters will show up to the poll because the last thing they want to hear is that their man lost to Ron Paul.  Romney supporters will more than likely vote “yes”.  I support gay marriage.
  • Barack Obama is running unopposed but there are plenty of Democrats who are not happy with Obama’s Republican tendencies.   (His foreign policy, including still being in Afghanistan, his signing into law keeping the Bush tax cuts, signing SIPA into law, further erosion of liberties at airports, etc.)  These are all tell-tale signs that people might think he is a Republican.  I am against all of these things and more.  Send a message to Barack Obama and write in “Ahmnodt Heare” so he will know that you don’t want him to act like a Republican any more.

Remember to vote for “No” and write in “Ahmnodt Heare”.  (Not to be confused with “No to Ahmnodt Heare”.)

May 5, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, election, foreign policy, humor, issues, Obama, politics, Republicans, satire, write-in | , , , , , , | Comments Off on Important Message for North Carolina Democrats

Taxing Day

Filing taxes is (for lack of a better word), taxing.  Despite of all the forms, it basically boils down to two things: 1) How much did you make? and 2) Send it in. (Please enclose an additional $29.95 processing fee.)  Then they get you because they want to know where you got the money for the processing fee and why it wasn’t included with income.

Paying taxes would feel less burdensome if we were getting our money’s worth.  The federal gas taxes are supposed to go for roads and bridges, yet 1/3 of our bridges fail safety codes.  The more we spend on education and health care, the dumber our children become and the sicker we get.  Somebody has to pay for the GSA’s lavish parties.

This is why I am a fiscal conservative.  I only spend money on things I really need (housing, food, water, clothes, auto expenses, nudie bars, etc.)  I will bring that fiscal conservatism to the White House.  I will no longer have taxpayers fund a study on the flow of ketchup or on the mating habits of gay Argentinian men.  Funding will be limited to the essentials of running government, military, social programs, and the National Vanna White Museum.  If somebody needs money for a study, they can raise the money with a cake sale or a magazine drive.

You can vote for Obama or Romney (two men known for spending money), you could vote for Ron Paul (Please don’t.)  You can vote for Roseanne Barr, Lee Wrights, or another third party candidate.  But the best vote would be a vote for Ahmnodt Heare.

April 17, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, education, health care, humor, satire, taxes, Vanna White | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

An Invitation for Santorum Supporters

Former Senator Rick Santorum suspended his campaign yesterday.  The media is painting this as a Romney victory for the GOP nomination.  It is much more than that.

Many of Rick Santorum’s supporters feel disenfranchised now that their man is out of the running.  They don’t really like Newt Gingrich or Ron Paul.  They also feel that Mitt Romney is an Obama-like Republican and they will be hesitant to vote for him in the general election.

It is this reason that I invite Rick Santorum supporters to join my campaign and vote for me in November.  I am neither Mitt Romney nor Barack Obama.  I don’t believe that health insurance should be mandated at any level of government.  I would not have bailed out the banks or failing companies.

There are some differences between Senator Santorum and myself. I do not look dapper wearing a sweater vest.  My name is not yet a household name (or outhousehold name.)  I don’t have anything named after me.

If you want a better America than what either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama are offering, then I invite you to join my campaign and to vote for me in November.  Together we can do this!

April 11, 2012 Posted by | campaign, commentary, editorial, election, health care, humor, Obama, politics, satire | , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Process of Elimination

I know it is hard for my supporters to believe, but there are some people who are not impressed with my platform.  Some people think that I am not a “viable candidate.”  (Many of those people had donated to Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, and that other guy, but have nothing to show for it.)  Before you decide not to vote for me, let me show you why none of the candidates I am about to mention are worthy of your vote.

Barack Obama:

  • Promised the US would get out of Afghanistan.
  • Promised a more transparent government.
  • Plagiarized “RomneyCare” and re-named it “ObamaCare”.
  • Picked North Carolina to win the 2012 NCAA Tournament.

Mitt Romney:

  • Is against “ObamaCare” but favors the pre-plagiarized “RomneyCare”.
  • Changes his position on issues more often than most people change underwear.
  • Looks like the guy I bought an AMC Pacer from at the used car lot.

Rick Santorum:

  • Tried to represent Pennsylvania as Senator while living in Virginia.
  • Lost by 16% in his last re-election attempt.
  • Is thought of by others to have a frothy mix of fecal matter and anal lube named in his honor.

Newt Gingrich:

  • Is Newt Gingrich.
  • Has a bad habit of dumping his wife when she gets cancer.
  • Is the only House Speaker to get slapped with a slew of ethics charges.

Ron Paul:

  • Is old.  Really, really old.
  • Is hated by his own party more than by any other party.
  • Doesn’t get asked many questions in debates.

Other party candidates have yet to be announced.  They are all going to have a hard time competing with President Obama and whomever wins the Republican nomination with almost no interviews on national TV, not being mentioned in polls, not being invited to debates, and not raising the hundreds of millions the Democrats and Republicans raise for their candidates.  (I speak from experience here.)

I have a full detailed platform that is from common sense and not from party pandering or from lobbyists.  If you vote for anybody else besides myself or Ron Paul (I had to reach for his negatives), then I have to wonder what you are thinking.  Forgive me for the bluntness, but there’s no way to sugarcoat my reaction to such stupidity.

March 27, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, Democrats, editorial, election, humor, issues, Obama, Platform, politics, Republicans, satire, voting | , , , , , | 4 Comments

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