Keeping Safe

My thoughts and prayers are with Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and to everybody affected in the tragedy in Tuscon tragedy yesterday morning.

The tragedy in Tuscon has had me thinking.  I campaign often all over the world.  I don’t have any type of security detail when I campaign or where I work (my home).  There is no Capitol Police for me when I am working and there is no Secret Service entourage when I campaign or do my everyday activities like going shopping or the nudie bar.

There are people who wouldn’t mind if I was knocked off.  The Cinemafia comes to mind.  Now would be a good time to make sure that I (and to a lesser extent, my supporters) are protected.

Below is a partial list of action I plan on taking to assure safety for everybody:  The whole list will not be listed due to National Security concerns.  (Not really, but Barack Obama uses that line all the time and he sounds presidential when he does.)

• No more rallies at the DMV – The DMV is notorious for having people leave disgruntled after having to take care of business there.
• Trap Doors and Secret Tunnels – I will be giving more speeches in places that have trap doors.  The trap door will either be somewhere concealed on the open floor or somewhere where I am standing.  In cases when it’s where I am standing, it should have a hidden tunnel where I can escape.
• Eliminating “Open-Bar Night” Rallies – I have enjoyed this even though I hadn’t always had as much to drink as my body can handle.  There will be no plans on eliminating alcohol altogether as this is also a bad idea.

I will not be campaigning this week or next as I work on plans on improving safety for me and my supporters.  I will continue to blog until someone finds out where I am blogging from.

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They Should Have Come to Me

It seems that aliens do not read my blog entries.  If they did, they would have avoided the mishap that almost happened in Inner Mongolia.

I am concerned about safety.  This cannot be emphasized enough:  If you know any aliens from outer space, please let them know that I am the leader they wish to speak with.  World leaders are too busy leading their constituents to be bothered with little green men.  I have the time to discuss the issues with them.

Also let them know that they should bring their spaceship to Northwestern New Jersey.  There is plenty of space for parking and no need to worry about hitting jet planes.

Let’s get interplanetary relations on the right foot.  Bring them to me and not to a leader who will want to declare was and spend billions of dollars sending our troops into outer space.

Keep it Safe

Today is the 234th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.  Though I doubt our founding fathers had intended it, Independence Day has become a day of sun worship, barbecues, fireworks, and alcohol.  Here are a few steps you can do to make sure your Fourth of July is a happy and safe holiday:

• Sun Worship – Wear sunscreen, especially during the day.  Limit your time in the sun as too much exposure can lead to sunburn and the ever-disgusting peeling process.
• Barbecues – Do not put the grill near the house or in the house.  Do not store firecrackers, M-80s, Roman Candles, or Dynamite near the grill.  The grill should be supervised by an adult at all times, especially while in use.
• Fireworks – Do not hold fireworks in your hand while igniting them.  Do not light near other people, cars, houses, animals, or nuclear power plants.  Fireworks should be used only by professionals, but if you can’t follow this simple rule, then at least make sure you are an adult and sober enough to handle fireworks without blowing up extremities.
• Alcohol – I cannot emphasize this enough.  If you must drink, do not get behind the wheel of a car or in front of a camera.  Failure to follow these instructions can prove to be costly.

I encourage you to have fun this Independence Day.  Just don’t be stupid while having fun.