Word Gets Around

A Chinese protester was recently beaten and detained for a sign he displayed at a rally. While this isn’t a problem in most countries, suggesting a write-in candidate for Premier is a crime in China.

The sign says “Ahmnodt Heare for Premier.”  I do not know how the Chinese found out about me or my campaign, but I am deeply flattered.  The problem is that China is not part of the free world.  I am running for President of the United States.  The President of the United States is the Leader of the Free World.  While I have tried to allow votes from other free countries to vote for the Leader of the Free World, China is not part of the free world.

I am hoping China becomes free soon because they have a ton of electoral votes and the enthusiasm some people have for my campaign would give me a much needed boost.

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Why Movies Are Expensive (A Pig Latin Speech)

The following is the “Another Reason Why Movies Are Expensive” post from February 1, 2009 written in Pig Latin.  I will occasionally translate posts into other languages so that Americans who don’t speak English do not feel excluded.  Today, I am reaching out to the Pig Latino community.

Herethay ereway 5 ommercialscay orfay oviesmay uringday ethay Upersay Owlbay.  Isthay amountsway otay $15 illionmay inway advertisingway orfay 2 1/2 inutesmay ofway adsway.  Ostmay ofway esethay oviesmay on’tway ebay inway eatersthay orfay away ewfay onthsmay.  Iway illway orgetfay aboutway esethay oviesmay ybay ethay imetay eythay areway eleasedray unlessway eythay avehay oremay adsway, ichwhay illway ostcay oremay oneymay.  Ifway eythey aitedway untilway ustjay eforebay ethay eleaseray ateday, eythay ouldcay avehay avedsay $3 illionmay erpay oviemay.

Aybemay it’sway otnay osay uchmay ethay Inemafiacay isway evilway asway itway isway upidstay.  Eythay aypay Omtay Uisecray $31 illionmay orfay everyway oviemay ehay appearsway inway.  Iway ouldway oday 20 oviesmay orfay $31 illionmay.  Ethay oblempray ithway ethay economyway (asideway omfray ethay Inemafiacay) iswat atthay ethay onlyway endingspay utscay ompaniescay areway akingmay areway inway ayrollpay.  Eythay areway eitherway uttingcay hoursway, aypay atesray, orway obsjay.  Eythay illstay uybay ompanycay tway-irtsshay, offeecay ugsmay andway otherway apcray atthay ostmay employeesway on’tday eallyray arecay orfay.  Eythay owknay atthay ickknay-acksknay ostcay esslay anthay oneymay.  Asway esidentpray, Iway ouldway utpay away anbay onway ompanycay ickknay-acksknay andway orcefay emthay otay eitherway aypay oremay orway irehay oremay.

Ahmnodtway Earehay orfay Americaway. Ahmnodtway Earehay orfay ouyay.

Adding Security Features

I have decided to add encryption features on my computer, my cell phone, and my Speak and Spell.  I can not afford another episode like the hacking episode last May.  My campaign continues to grow and my opponents are now beginning to notice.  While I don’t have the NSA to encrypt my communications like one of my opponents, I will have top-notch encryption.

The encryption will work like this:

If I type something like:

My campaign schedule will bring me to Kansas, Michigan, and Oregon.

The encryption will look like this:

jghgfhgghfghjgahmnodtheareisastudnmmnbcvxfgfhj

I will continue to step up and meet the challenges of my opponents and of America.  I thank you for your continued support.

A Painful Reminder

There are people who want to be like me.  While I am deeply honored, being like me is not for anybody.  Not because I do bad things, but the stress of doing things as well as I do can be stressful.  Some people have died trying to be like me, and that thought gnaws on me.

I was reminded of this tragic fact while checking the spam filter from this blog.  It was an advertisement for erectile dysfunction drugs.  Every time I see an ad for erectile dysfunction drugs, I think of the poor men who died from heart attacks because they wanted to be like me.

Don’t let electile dysfunction let you down.  Pleasing women is hard for men with erectile dysfunction, but they can lick it.

I Miss Global Warming

I remember the good old days when we had global warming.  Winter days were often relatively mild.  There were fewer snowstorms and hardly ever any sub-zero days.

Today is yet another bitter cold day.  Icicles all over the place, the snow frozen hard, and people’s breaths are visible.  It will get colder tomorrow.  It will be cold for the foreseeable future.

If I was president, I would take the steps necessary to assure global warming during the winter.  I will, however; not tolerate global warming during the summer.  It is hot enough during the summer.

The time is now for global warming.  Write your congressperson and your senators and demand global warming now!

I Guess It’s for the Better

Last month I wrote a compelling letter to New York Governor David Patterson. I had asked him to consider me for the Senate seat vacated when Hillary Clinton became Secretary of State.  He decided not to choose me and instead decided to pick Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand. I can’t say I blame him.  If given a choice between picking me and a hottie, I would pick a hottie too.

But there is something to consider.  I am running for president, not senator.  Critics say I don’t have enough experience to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.   They are correct.  I have never had a job where I could vote myself a pay raise.  I have never made deals to raise money for my campaign.  I have never had an illicit relationship with a hottie  (Though I have tried).

Now that I don’t have to worry about being a senator, I can spend more time on my presidential campaign.

NOTE:  Please take part in my poll.

Walk-a-Thon Canceled

I was going to walk across the country starting this weekend to raise awareness for affordable entertainment.  I have run into a couple of problems along the way:

• The weather:  While I know it is cold in the winter, this is my first winter north of the Mason-Dixon Line in a few years.  I had forgotten how COLD it gets up here.  I could only imagine how much colder it would be if we weren’t warming the planet by using air-conditioners.
• The planning:  Google says the trip should take 37 days and 14 hours.  That is assuming I am going to walk non-stop between the moment I start and the moment I arrive in San Diego.  I haven’t walked in my sleep in years.
• The path chosen has the fewest supporters.  I have created a revised map to include visiting supporters.
• With all the revisions and walking only 8 hours a day, it would take me 183 days to complete the walk.

The additional days would be a drain on my budget.  With the 7-day plan, I had enough money to stay at a hotel every night.  Under the current plan, I would have to crash at my supporters’ trailers.  I cannot impose myself like that.

I will find a way to make this work.  America must find out about the ills of the CineMafia.  This is my life mission.