Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Weekend Itinerary

It’s back to the campaign trail this weekend.  I will be along the western banks of the Hudson River speaking to various groups:

Saturday

12:00PM – Highland Falls, NY – I will be speaking to a senior citizen group called “SAWAC” (Seniors for Access to Whips And Chains).  I will be addressing this active senior group plans to make the equipment they need more easily accessible.  The speech will be short so I don’t hold them up for their daily naps.

1:30PM – West Haverstraw, NY – I will organize a speech in front of the motor vehicles office explaining my motor vehicle department plan.

3:00PM – Nyack, NY – I will wonder aimlessly through the streets of Nyack and hopefully figure out what the hell they are thinking about.  I hope this won’t take too long.

4:30PM – NY/NJ border on U.S. 9W – I will try to bring peace to the border after a tough NHL Eastern Conference final.  Rangers fans and Devils fans were in each others’ faces and has made life difficult for those of us who think both teams suck.  (LET’S GO CAPS!!!)  By Caps, I mean the Washington Capitals, not typing in all caps.  I only typed in caps because I always yell when I say that.

6:00PM – Fort Lee, NJ – I will be at the western end of the George Washington Bridge discouraging people from jumping.  I won’t mention my campaign to anybody who is thinking about jumping until they are convinced that jumping off the bridge is not the answer and the meds they will probably have to take start kicking in.

8:00PM – Hoboken, NJ – My last stop tomorrow will involve a seance with fellow Hobokeners and trying to summon the spirit of Hoboken’s favorite son, Frank Sinatra.  I am confident he will endorse my campaign posthumously.

Sunday I will be hitting the Wal-Marts in Franklin and Newton, NJ – Monroe and Middletown, NY – Milford, Honesdale, and Dickson City, PA.  I will be showing my appreciation to Wal-Mart associates who keep prices low for working for less.  Workers who smoke will be given a cigarette as a token of my appreciation.

I’ll be going to bed soon because I have a long weekend ahead.

June 1, 2012 Posted by | campaign, humor, issues, satire | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Acronyms – The Next Phase of the Campaign

I was fortunate Betty Poundcake was in my area tonight.  She was the medium that was able to channel endorsements from the grave.  She didn’t channel any endorsements tonight, but thanks to her, I was able to gain valuable advice from former President Gerald Ford.  Former President Ford said he had been following my campaign for over a year.  He gave an honest and sometimes painful critique of my campaign.  He said I spend too much time talking in a language that normal people understand.  He said that people want a president that sound smarter than they do.

He gave me my first lesson.  He said that if I use acronyms, I would sound more presidential.  Not only would I sound more presidential, but I would be more respected among my competitors and their supporters.  Here are a few we brainstormed:

READ – (Real Entertainment Affordable Daily)  READ is a program that will make entertainment affordable and filter out Canadian spies posing as entertainers.

SNIFF – (Sensible Needs in Federal Funding) SNIFF will continue to fund things we need (Like the military and nudie bars for the military) while eliminating pork programs like Congress and the Supreme Court.

SLUT – (Systematically Losing Unneeded Taxes)  This program will eliminate taxes that are no longer needed after raising the rates on taxes that are needed.

I will add other programs as the needs arise.  I have the foundations of a strong campaign with READ, SNIFF, and SLUT.  I would like to thank Betty Poundcake and former President Gerald Ford for their help.

March 27, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, Canada, issues, politics, satire, taxes | , , , | 1 Comment

   

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