How I Would Have Handled the Secret Service Incident

I didn’t want to comment on the Secret Service’s problem in Colombia last week because as far as I can see it, they did nothing illegal.  The only thing they were guilty of was not paying enough for services rendered.  Prostitution is legal in Colombia and the President was not in Colombia for the summit yet.  President Obama was not harmed in any way and it seems that his safety was never in question.  Below is how I would have handled the situation:

• I would have met with the supervisors responsible.  I would ask them their side of the story.  Since my safety was never compromised and there are bigger issues the media needs to be covering, I would have paid the difference.  These men and women risk their lives to protect mine.  I would cover their backs and not let them hang out to dry.
• I would interview each member involved in the incident.  I would ask the same questions a consumer would ask when about to pay for a service.  The vetting process should not be limited to high positions in government.  Those who work on a job-by-job basis also need to be vetted.
• The secret service agents involved would then see a physician.  They would undergo the testing needed to make sure they did not come down with a venereal disease.  Those who had infected the agents would be disqualified from performing their duties on the President of the United States.

On the scale of things that are going wrong in Washington and in government, this is pretty low.  There are bigger problems that need to be fixed and I intend to fix them as President.

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Still Under the Radar

I thought after thirteen months of campaigning, I would be able to go somewhere where people would recognize me.  Sadly, this is not the case.  I went to a crowded restaurant and nobody recognized me.  Imagine when these people find out they were in the presence of a candidate for President of the United States.  I was excited when I met 1992 Fallopian Party candidate Gilda Glickman.  Her politics were liberal.  That didn’t stop me from voting for her. To this day, Gilda Glickman was the only presidential candidate I ever met.

I thought there were special perks with running for president.  I was never asked if I wanted Secret Service protection.  While Obama and McCain were dining at $5,000/plate fundraisers, I was dining at Dollar Value Meal restaurants.  While they had major production crews on their campaigns, mine were a few videos thrown up on the Internet.  I am so anonymous, I haven’t been mentioned as a finalist in Keith Olbermann’s “Worst Person in the World” segment.

If you see me at a bar, feel free to buy me a drink.  I don’t want Secret Service Protection, fundraiser dinners, or fancy-schmancy production on my ads.  All I want is the occasional beer without paying for it.

Straight Talk Express Derailed

I was campaigning in my town today as North Carolina is having its primary. I am ready to head out and drive home when a State Trooper tells me to pull over. Next thing I know, a bus called the “Straight Talk Express” comes pulling up and stops in front of a Starbucks.

People came out of the bus, but John McCain stays in. The people head into the Starbucks and McCain stayed in the bus. A while later, they come out with 20 lattes and head off. One would have thought on a day of an election, the candidate would go out and meet the people and have them vote for him or her. I guess Senator McCain is above meeting the people.

I can see why John McCain wants public financing for his campaign now. Starbucks’s lattes are not cheap.

Why I Declined Secret Service Request

I have decided not to accept the Secret Service entourage for my campaign.  I declined the service because the people have to come first.  If somebody wants to assassinate me, he or she will have to realize that I will be made a martyr. Issues that nobody cares about right now like shutting down the “CineMafia” and making Vanna White’s birthday a national holiday will suddenly be issues everybody cares about.

I like to wear black suits and sunglasses.  Nothing is more embarrassing than having a supporter come up to me and ask, “Are you one of those Secret Service guys protecting Ahmnodt Heare?”

I would like to thank the Secret Service for thinking I should be protected.  I don’t think I really need the service, though.