Ahmnodt Heare! Ahmnodt Heare!

The rumor I am hearing from supporters in Charlotte is that the reason why President Obama’s nomination speech was moved from Bank of America Stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena is because over 1,000 of my supporters were able to get tickets and they were going to let their voices heard tonight.   They were also able to sneak “Ahmnodt Heare for President” signs into the stadium and had them in storage at the stadium until a Democratic Part operative spotted the signs during a security walk-through.  They caught a supporter impersonating a security worker try to put more signs into storage.  That supporter then spilled the beans about the operation.

Most of them had their tickets between the 20-and 40 yard lines on the far half of the field from the stage.  They were ready to chant “AHMNODT HEARE!” when the Democratic faithful would chant “FOUR MORE YEARS!”.  They even said they were trying to hack into the stadium television screens to have my picture posted while President Obama made his speech.

I had no prior knowledge of the actions of my supporters nor do I tolerate breaking of laws to get the message across.  Make no mistake about it, I am nonetheless deeply flattered.

There are two reasons why this wasn’t mentioned in the news:  The first reason is because the media doesn’t want to give my campaign any publicity.  If the news ever mentioned that there was a candidate besides Obama and Romney running for President, people would be typing in that candidate’s name in search engines.  People have heard of Roseanne Barr, but most people didn’t know she was running for President until they typed her name in a search engine.  She and Cindy Sheehan are running on the “Peace and Freedom” ticket.

For those of you who found this blog entry by typing in “Roseanne Barr”, “Cindy Sheehan”, or “Reince Priebus Drunk”. welcome to my website.  Be sure to check out my platform, videos, and the celebrities who have endorsed me.

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My TSA Solution

Wednesday is “National Opt-Out Day.”  For those not familiar with “Opt-Out Day”, it means for those who are flying on Wednesday, to not go through the “full-body scanner” at airport security performed by the TSA.  The “full-body” scanner uses radio waves that can cause cancer (but can’t get a decent radio station.)

If you opt out, you will be subject to a thorough “pat-down”.  This involves TSA agents touching every part of your body (even those parts).  Many people (including myself) find this to be offensive.  I don’t want a stranger touching my body parts.  Like 99.9% of Americans, I do not have access to plastic explosives, nor would I want access to plastic explosives.

We do need a solution that is satisfactory to everybody and does not cause cancer.  I would prefer to touch myself.  And I would want to choose who I touch myself in front of when I am performing a “pat-down” on myself.  I would not want to touch myself in front of another man nor would I want to in front of a woman who looks like that lady from the school cafeteria.

The TSA agent should be attractive and someone who would make me want to touch myself under more intimate circumstances.  The TSA agent should also wear something more attractive than those blue uniforms that remind me of mall security and that skateboarding is not allowed in most shopping malls.  And because the screening should be as stress-free as possible, I would suggest the TSA play songs by Lou Rawls or Barry White.

My plan would relieve some of the stress from traveling as well as relieve TSA agents from touching people they don’t really want to touch.  This is as close as win-win as we can get.  Travelers won’t have to worry about strange people touching them there and that TSA agents can watch and make sure there are no bombs attatched to body parts that shouldn’t have bombs.

Take Your Shoes Off and Stay Awhile

You are probably wondering what the meaning of this post means.  If you are not familiar with me, I am a freelance marketing consultant.  I also dab in advertising campaigns for some of my clients.

Many of my clients are referred to me by other clients.  However, sometimes I have to recruit customers myself.  This blog entry is an open letter to the TSA (Transportation Security Administration).  I have to show that I can work with government agencies if I am going to be considered to be a viable Presidential candidate.

“Take off your shoes and stay awhile” is my way to project the TSA as a kinder, gentler bureaucracy government agency.  When people are told to take off their shoes at airport security, there tends to be mumbling and grumbling by passengers.  My marketing campaign will promote a sense of comfort for the passengers while maintaining a high sense of safety and security.

When a TSA agent tells you to take your shoes and stay a while, it’s not just for security.  It’s to make you feel at home as you are violated go through screening.  They will shoot the breeze with you while your carry-ons are scanned and you go through the security gate.  There will be more intimate conversations for cavity searches so you won’t feel inconvenienced in any way.

If you’re with the TSA and you want to improve your agency’s image, please feel free to give me a call.

Adding Security Features

I have decided to add encryption features on my computer, my cell phone, and my Speak and Spell.  I can not afford another episode like the hacking episode last May.  My campaign continues to grow and my opponents are now beginning to notice.  While I don’t have the NSA to encrypt my communications like one of my opponents, I will have top-notch encryption.

The encryption will work like this:

If I type something like:

My campaign schedule will bring me to Kansas, Michigan, and Oregon.

The encryption will look like this:

jghgfhgghfghjgahmnodtheareisastudnmmnbcvxfgfhj

I will continue to step up and meet the challenges of my opponents and of America.  I thank you for your continued support.

Greetings From 30,000 Feet!

I am on my way to Eugene, Oregon for the rally tonight. I am currently over eastern Kentucky on my way to Chicago. From Chicago, I will board a flight to Portland, OR, and from Portland to Eugene. I should arrive in Eugene at 4:45 PDT.

I am not thrilled with airport security. I have two carry-on bags and they chose to inspect the bag with the “Hello Kitty” doll I got for Christmas. One inspector laughed when she saw the doll and yapped it up with the other inspectors.

I am thankful I didn’t wear my “Hello Kitty” socks. Everybody would have been laughing.