Keeping My Options Open

It might be hard to believe, but there is actually a chance that I will not be elected President of the United States.  Being the Boy Scout that I was for a week in 1987, I must be prepared for life should I not win the election.  Below are some of my options:

• Become a commissioner of a major sports league.  I have already shown how I would handle problems currently in the NFL and NHL.  I could also be a good commissioner for the NBA and Major League Baseball.
• Become a reality television star.  My life is hectic enough to make for entertaining television.  The one drawback would be that the show’s producers would have to censor by covering-the-boobies and other lady body parts when I visit the nudie bar.
• Run for Congress, Senate, Mayor, or other public office.  I am leaning against this option.  People say they want a president with experience in dealing with government.  The Democrats chose President Obama and the Republicans chose Ron Paul Mitt Romney.  Most people don’t want the experience they have in the White House, especially ObromneyCare.  This is why I chose to run despite not having political experience.
• Write that book I have been putting off writing since 1996.  I will have time after Election Day to pursue this should I not win the election, though I still think I am going to win.  The reason why I think I will win is because unlike the other candidates, the media has said nothing negative about me, my policies, or my campaign.
• I could offer myself to play the role of Christian Grey in the upcoming “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie.

There are only 41 days left until Election Day.  Pick up your absentee ballot by next Friday if you haven’t done so already.  Don’t forget to help the elderly with their absentee ballots, including filling in my name for President so that they don’t have to labor with writing.

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Weekend Itinerary

It’s back to the campaign trail this weekend.  I will be along the western banks of the Hudson River speaking to various groups:

Saturday

12:00PM – Highland Falls, NY – I will be speaking to a senior citizen group called “SAWAC” (Seniors for Access to Whips And Chains).  I will be addressing this active senior group plans to make the equipment they need more easily accessible.  The speech will be short so I don’t hold them up for their daily naps.

1:30PM – West Haverstraw, NY – I will organize a speech in front of the motor vehicles office explaining my motor vehicle department plan.

3:00PM – Nyack, NY – I will wonder aimlessly through the streets of Nyack and hopefully figure out what the hell they are thinking about.  I hope this won’t take too long.

4:30PM – NY/NJ border on U.S. 9W – I will try to bring peace to the border after a tough NHL Eastern Conference final.  Rangers fans and Devils fans were in each others’ faces and has made life difficult for those of us who think both teams suck.  (LET’S GO CAPS!!!)  By Caps, I mean the Washington Capitals, not typing in all caps.  I only typed in caps because I always yell when I say that.

6:00PM – Fort Lee, NJ – I will be at the western end of the George Washington Bridge discouraging people from jumping.  I won’t mention my campaign to anybody who is thinking about jumping until they are convinced that jumping off the bridge is not the answer and the meds they will probably have to take start kicking in.

8:00PM – Hoboken, NJ – My last stop tomorrow will involve a seance with fellow Hobokeners and trying to summon the spirit of Hoboken’s favorite son, Frank Sinatra.  I am confident he will endorse my campaign posthumously.

Sunday I will be hitting the Wal-Marts in Franklin and Newton, NJ – Monroe and Middletown, NY – Milford, Honesdale, and Dickson City, PA.  I will be showing my appreciation to Wal-Mart associates who keep prices low for working for less.  Workers who smoke will be given a cigarette as a token of my appreciation.

I’ll be going to bed soon because I have a long weekend ahead.

The Illinois Senate Prefers The Way I Treat Seniors

I will take Rod Blagojevich at his word.  I will assume his innocence.   I believe Blagojevich when he said he was impeached for helping seniors.  Here is my take on the situation:

Rod Balgojevich circumvented the Illinois House and Senate in making drugs affordable for seniors.  He got those drugs from Canada.  The House and Senate were mad (as was I) that he was able to get drugs from Canada, but was unable to deport Canadians posed as “entertainers.”

I am sure the Illinois legislature would have been behind my “Affordable Food for Seniors” plan.  They might have been supportive of Blagojevich’s drug plan if it meant that Celine Dion would limit her concerts to the Holiday Inn lounges in Nova Scotia.

Meetup Group This Tuesday

I am glad that meetup groups are not waiting for the media to cover the 2012 elections to get motivated.  I will be speaking this Tuesday at the Pair-a-Dice Trailer Park.  The subject will be caring for seniors.

I am proud of my supporters.  They suggested that talk is not enough and they are correct.  We will give the first 20 seniors who show up for the meetup group a six-pack of Alpo Prime Cuts and a spork for each can.  The Ahmnodt Heare administration will make sure seniors don’t go hungry.

I Did Not Make the Team

I am not surprised, but I am disappointed that I did not make Barack Obama’s economic team.  I survived the two-a-days during economic training camp, but I never had the opportunity to show my muster during the pre-season.

I will continue to try to get my plan for seniors and my “Entertainment Affordability Act” bill I am trying to get passed.  Just because I am not yet an elected official does not mean I will not fight for the good citizens of the United States.  (The bad citizens of the United States will need to look for someone else to fight for them.)

What is the fastest way to bail out old people who are struggling?

I think the fastest way to help these people (and all Americans) is to throw all the poor people in jail.  The poor would have a roof over their heads and food three times a day.  Many jails include free cable.

For seniors with some money, I will allow seniors to buy premium dog food at generic food prices.

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com