A Good Sex Scandal is Hard to Come By

One would have figured with the frequency I attend nudie bars that I would have been caught up in a sex scandal by now.  Or that a lonely housewife would have been attracted by my presidential appeal and would want to get involved in a little something-something while her husband was at work.

Albee Thayer suggested I hire a prostitute.  There are a couple problems with that approach.  The first problem is that it’s illegal in every state except Nevada.  The other problem is that I only want the sex so I can get caught in a scandal that would give my campaign publicity, it would mean that i would be spending money on my campaign.  I refuse to spend money on my campaign.

I don’t want to make it look like I am trolling for women for sex.  (Even though I am.)  I tried asking for booty pics until my campaign manager advised against it, citing that I look more like a dirty old man than a presidential candidate.  I was going to send pictures of myself, but we all know what happened when former Congressman Anthony Weiner sent his pics to women.

I won’t be campaigning during the week this week.  I will be spending this weekend in Delaware and next weekend in Rhode Island as I resume my “Three Electoral State Blitz” and try to win the election with winning the three and four electoral states, New Jersey, and New York.

Advertisement

Keeping it Simple

As a frontrunner, everything I do is magnified.  This is especially true of gaffes and miscues.  But it’s the innocent things a candidate does that can be construed in a wrong way.

One example is when I go to nudie bars.  I go to nudie bars for the eye candy.  I do not go to look for sex.  The night sometimes ends with sex because she’s a hottie and I have a radiant personality and she is impressed that I am running for President of the United States.

Sometimes I need to multitask.  When I went to get my car inspected last year, I brought my bills so I could pay them while I waited for the car to get inspected.  It was the first time I had used stamps that I didn’t have to lick to have it stick to the envelope.  I was talking to the person next to me waiting for his car to be inspected and mentioned that I missed the “lick-’em-and-stick-’em” stamps.  This was caught by the auto shop owner who thought I was talking about inspections.  I failed the inspection due to infractions like “blinkers blinked too slowly” and “spare tire not properly inflated.”

People who want to stop you will twist anything to make sure you are stopped.  I am making sure my activities are done with untwistable steel.

What is the Media Thinking?

All week the media has been fixated on allegations against Herman Cain involving sexual harassment in the 1990’s.  This has gotten more coverage than when both John Edwards and Newt Gingrich cheated on their cancer-stricken wives.  It used to be that the media didn’t cover a sex story unless there was actual sex.  Usually a bastard child was presented as proof of an affair.  But as abortions became more commonplace, the child was replaced with hush money and funding for abortions.

There was no sex between Herman Cain and the at least four women who have claimed sexual harassment charges against him.  But the way the media has been covering it, you would think every pregnant woman is carrying Herman Cain’s baby (with the possible exception of his wife.)

If the media really wants to cover a candidate with a wild sexual past, they should cover my campaign.  My daughter Patricia is a beautiful girl, but she was the result of a one-night stand.  Then there was the phase with the dominatrix.  I think all of the pictures have been destroyed.  (At least I paid good money for those pictures to be destroyed, especially the ones with me in a school-girl outfit.)

The reason why I think Herman Cain is getting more press for his exploits than I did for mine is mathematics.  9-9-9 > 6-9 so 9-9-9 gets priority in the news because it is a larger number.  That’s the only reason I could think of/

Answering Your Questions

Earlier today I had posted my status on Facebook as:

What issues would you like me to write about in my blog?

I am pleased to announce that there are questions that people want answered.  I chose the three best questions (There were only three to choose from).  I will answer them below:

Which other candidates should be run overy by a bus and why?

I do not wish to see the other candidates run over by a bus because bus repairs are prohibitive.  We can’t be damaging buses while the economy is trying to recover.

Meaning of life?

This is tough.  I am not sure if by “life”, the questioner meant Life the magazine, the cereal, or the Milton Bradley board game.  I never pondered much on the meaning of life because the more you wonder what life is supposed to mean, the less time you have left to live it.

Your favorite positions for sex?

Any position which involves lying down works for me.  I would have a better appreciation for doggy style if I knew when it evolved from puppy love.  The only position I don’t like is “Indian Style.”  It’s too uncomfortable.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments section below and I will answer as soon as possible.

The ABCs of a Presidential Campaign

Inspired* by reading Don Mills’ post on the “The Alphabet of Damned Young People Who Annoyed Me Today“, I have come up with the ABCs of a Presidential Campaign.

A is for Ahmnodt – The 45th President.
B is for Barack – The White House resident.
C is for Campaigning – From near and from far.
D is for Driving – To events in my car.
E is for Election – I hope you vote for me.
F is for Facebook – A page for you to see.
G is for Goodness – How I run my campaign.
H is for Hotels – Suitcase life’s a pain.
I is for Iowa – Where the caucus starts.
J is for Joker – Politicians break our hearts.
K is for Kids – Their futures are at stake.
L is for Losers – Like that moron Robert Blake
M is for Maverick – What else is there to say?
N is for November – 2012 Election Day.
O is for Olbermann – I’d like an interview.
P is for Politics – Zapping the soul from you.
Q is for Questions – Answering what is asked.
R is for Radio – Secrets of me unmasked.
S is for Sex – It goes with Politics.
T is for Timex – It takes a ton of licks.
U is for United – States of America (USA).
V is for Vanna – Whom I’d like to meet someday.
W is for Write-In – And writing in my name.
X is for Xenophobes – They want people to be the same.
Y is for Youth – The future is for them.
Z is for Zest – Of my supporters (Amen)

* – “Inspired” sounds better than “stealing”. I couldn’t think of what to write today.

The Evil that is Volkswagen

First Volkswagen wanted us to punch each other.  Now they want us to ignore our speed limits with their “Autobahn for All” event.  It’s not just ignoring the speed limits – it encourages reckless and aggressive driving while using sexual innuendos.

The latest commercial shows a couple taking a Volkswagen for a test drive.  The husband is driving with the salesman in the passenger’s seat and the hot wife in the back.  The wife gets excited and screams, “SHOOT THE GAP! SHOOT THE GAP!!!”  When a hottie screams “Shoot the gap!” I am going to shoot the gap.  I try to please ladies that way.

In order for the husband to shoot the gap, he has to drop off the salesman.  He has to weave through traffic and drive between two tractor-trailers and speed on the interstate.  Unlike the “Punch Dub” commercials, (which was just people punching people), this commercial encourages reckless driving in exchange for a little nookie.  The worst part of the commercial is that they don’t show the nookie after the husband speeds between the two tractor trailers.

I demand ethical behavior in commercials and will make this an executive order once I am President.  I will make America safer by allowing only socially responsible commercials to air.

UPDATE 7/30/10:

Volkswagen has pulled the ad. http://www.skiddmark.com/2010/07/29/volkswagen-removes-%E2%80%98shoot-the-gap%E2%80%99-advert-following-viewer-backlash/

I would like to thank my supporters for pressuring Volkswagen into pulling the ad.

A look at my Platform – Gay Marriage

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on gay marriage.

I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.

It is important to note that the quote above is a hypothesis.  I have no way of telling how much sex married people have since I quit peeping on my neighbors in 2003.  But what I noticed from my studies is that the frequency and the quality of sex my neighbors had diminished significantly within 3 months after being married.

Gay people are not that much different than straight people.  The difference is that with gay people, boys like boys and girls like girls.  But I am pretty sure that if gays were to marry, that the same thing would happen to them with sex.  It’s like Chocolate Pop-Tarts.  The first time you had one, the only thing you can think about is having another Chocolate Pop-Tart.  But after having Chocolate Pop-Tarts day in and day out, you want something different.

Gays should be allowed to marry.  They should be relieved to know that I have no interest in watching.