Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

Napoleon Bloombergparte

For those of you wandering what “Napoleon Bloombergparte” is all about, it’s a reference to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg when he goes into Napoleon Bonaparte mode.  They both have a lot in common.  They are both short men with power who try to overcome their shortness by showing off their power more than they should.  They both attack others (Napoleon attacked Europe while Bloomberg attacks the lifestyles of New Yorkers he doesn’t like.

Bloomberg’s attack on New Yorkers have included what they eat (trans-fat), drink (large sodas), and smoke (cigarettes).  Just when there wasn’t any enemies left to attack, Bloombergparte has found a new enemy that gets under his crawl.  Those evil, diabolical people who wear earphones when listening to their MP3 players must be stopped!

Mayor Bloomberg claims that people listen to their MP3 players too loud.  He is saying that listening to music too loud can make people deaf.  I have worn earphones in the past in New York City.  The reason why people wear earphones loud is because New York City is a very loud city (especially south of Central Park in Manhattan).  There are a ton of cars, buses, and trucks roaming the streets.  There seems to be some kind of siren echoing the streets every minute.  Subway stations aren’t any better with the noise the trains make as they approach the train stations.

Michael Bloomberg’s act is getting old.  Michael Bloomberg is getting old.  Don’t elect anybody who promises more of the same and get off of Bloomberg’s lawn.

March 7, 2013 Posted by | commentary, editorial, humor, issues | , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Napoleon Bloombergparte

I QUIT!

Much to the chagrin of my Little League coach, I quit something.  As of Tuesday, I became an ex-smoker.  i quit smoking even though winners never quit.

It has been difficult.  I have gained seven pounds so far.  This means I will be swimming a few extra laps in the Jacuzzias well as spending at least five minutes on the treadmill at the gym.   I may even double the weights I use for weightlifting to 20 pounds.

I still have the urges to light up at certain times of the day.  I want to smoke when I wake up, when I drive (especially here in New Jersey – there is a reason why auto insurance is higher in New Jersey than in any other state – people here don’t know how to drive!)  I also want to smoke when writing blog entries.  (This is why I haven’t written in a few days.)

Quitting smoking does have its benefits.  I have a few extra dollars I can spend at the nudie bar.  Breathing has become easier.  My sense of smell has improved.  (This is a bit of a negative at the gym when people are sweating like pigs.)

I am going to have to find a way to be able to write without being overwhelmed by the urge to smoke.  Masturbation eases the urge, but makes it harder to type.  Hopefully as I go longer without smoking, I’ll be able to write on a regular basis.

 

May 4, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Maury Moments

A “Maury Moment” is the time spent waiting for test results.  “Test results” and “Lie detector tests” are themes of the Maury Povich show.  The first Maury moment I had was in the summer of 2002 when I would find out that “Ahmnodt the father.”  My daughter was born the following March.

The second moment was a couple weeks ago when I underwent some tests when I suddenly lost weight and became ill.  Those tests were inconclusive and I had to go to Albany on Monday to undergo more tests.

The third Maury moment was yesterday from when my doctor called me and wanted to see him that afternoon.  I was concerned that the urgency of having to meet the doctor could have been a bad thing.  It turns out that urgency was because the doctor was about to take a three-week vacation and didn’t want to leave me hanging all this time.

The good news is that whatever caused me to lose weight and become sick was temporary and my blood tests came back fine.  The bad news is that during the checkup, the doctor noticed that I was having difficulty breathing deeply.  I have to undergo more tests for breathing and a chest x-ray on Wednesday.  The doctor wouldn’t say it, but I think the “Simple Chronic Halitosis” I have been fighting has become “Complex Chronic Halitosis”.  He opted instead to blame it on my smoking.  He also advised I take it easy this weekend.

I will be alone this holiday weekend instead of heading to Washington DC to be with my daughter and my parents.  I will be holding a telepathic campaign rally Monday at 8:00PM Eastern / 5:00PM Pacific.  I am hoping the doctor will allow me to partake in the “Orgies for Abstinence” event this Friday night.  I have given up abstinence for Lent and am withholding my urge to abstain until Friday.

April 7, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, health care, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Campaigning in NYC

I will be campaigning in Manhattan and Brooklyn this Sunday.  I will have some down time between campaign stops.  I was going to go to squeeze in another stop between Manhattan and Brooklyn, but Omaha is too far away.  I’ll try Omaha in a couple of weeks.

I’ll be in front of the Port Authority Bus Terminal across the street from the NY Times building at 10:00AM.  It seems to be a good place to talk about my lack of a position on capital punishment.  From there I will walk to Central Park where I will discuss my smoking platform and why winners never quit.

Brooklyn will be the place to be in the afternoon.  There are a few things I have to work out first.  The first is where in Brooklyn I will campaign in the afternoon.  The other problem is that I don’t have a topic to talk about.  This is because I have never been in Brooklyn.  The Dodgers are no longer there and the Nets are not there yet.  I am leaning towards health care, but I want to make sure the subject matches the audience.  I know not to talk about the environment.  Trees are so scarce in Brooklyn that when a tree grows there, somebody writes a book about it.

If you live in Manhattan or Brooklyn and you want me to campaign in your neighborhood, contact me either tonight or Saturday.  (Sorry, Omaha.)

March 11, 2011 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, environment, humor, satire | , , , , , | Comments Off on Campaigning in NYC

Greetings Aliens From Outer Space!

The United Nations recently announced that if aliens were to land on Earth and wish to be taken to our leader, that they should be directed to Mazlan Othman.  This is a bad idea.  Mazlan Othman is a Space Ambassador and a astrophysicist.  She is not a leader.

I would suggest to the United Nations as well as anybody who happens to encounter an alien that you bring the alien to me.  While I am not officially a leader yet, many leaders have followed in my footsteps and have borrowed portions of my campaign.

Aliens would have a difficult time finding parking near the UN and it would cost them money for parking fees.  They’d be better served coming to Northwestern New Jersey where there is plenty of parking spaceships (except for Oktoberfest, which was last weekend) and parking here is always free.

Another advantage to bringing the aliens here is that I can offer an environment that is friendly for aliens who smoke.  New York City has some of the toughest anti-smoking laws in the country.  This might be offensive to an overly aggressive alien.

If you are an alien thinking of visiting, you can be assured that I only want to be Leader of the Free World.  I do not wish to be a leader of any other planet, no matter how free their inhabitants are.

September 27, 2010 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Winners Never Quit!

My high school baseball coach said something to me the day I quit the team. He said, “You weren’t going to make the team anyway.” I came home and my father was mad at me.
“Winners never quit!” he often said. “Hank Aaron didn’t quit. John Riggins didn’t quit. Bob Marriwand quit.” My father would tell me that Bob had more talent than anybody he had ever known, but quit because he didn’t like it when things got a little tough.
I have learned not to quit because I am a winner. I won’t quit predicting NFL games. I won’t quit smoking, and I won’t quit running for President. America hates quitters!

November 8, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, commentary, humor, satire | , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Look at my Platform – Smoking

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on smoking.

I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.

Remember that quitters never win. My father told me that. My little league coach told me that. My probation officer told me that. So it must be true.

What exactly do you win by quitting smoking? You might have a few dollars in your pocket and you might breathe easier, but what about the downside? You will be mean and crabby when you want a cigarette. You will soon lose all of your friends. Where are you without your friends?

Don’t quit. Because winners never quit and quitters never win.

May 20, 2009 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, issues, Platform, satire | , , | 2 Comments

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