Observations on Recent Events

I spent most of today trying to catch up on what has been happening in the news since Election Day.  I haven’t watched the news because I have been vacationing and I had custody of my daughter for most of the last week.  Below is my synopsis of some recent events:

• Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use –  I support this and on the surface this is good news.  There is bad news and I will explain that later.
• Petraeusgate – Former CIA Director David Petraeus resigned following a much-publicized sex scandal.  My campaign could use publicity like that.  I am not below admitting that I can use the sex.
• Israel vs. Hamas and the Palestinians – I have received heat for what I am about to say in the past, but it bears repeating.  The United States should not get involved in the conflict until the Canadian dilemma is settled.  Canadian spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber infiltrating and sabotaging the Great American Entertainment Industry must be deported and American entertainment must be restored to its greatness.
• Hostess Closing Down – This is bad news on many levels.  I blame the marketing team for the folding of the company.  While it is easy to blame the management for being overpaid or the unions for wanting too much, I blame the marketing team for undervaluing their products.  I would have sold Twinkees at 40% higher than the suggested retail price.  They were at least that much better than Little Debbie’s.  Legalizing marijuana just isn’t the same withoout munching on Twinkees or Ho-Ho’s.

Tonight is my last night in Virginia Beach.  I head to my parents’ home in Washington, DC tomorrow for Thanksgiving week and head home Friday afternoon.

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Cut it Out Stephen Harper!

I have to clarify something before I go on my rant.  Not all Canadian entertainers are spies.  They are not all performers.  Rush is an excellent fan.  Dave Foley is a very funny comedian.  Pamela Anderson is sexy (and not just because her boobies are made in the USA).

A new Canadian spy has infiltrated the Great American Entertainment Industry.  The damage this spy has done is worse than the actions of Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, William Shatner, and Anne Murray combined.  Unlike these spies, the newest spy has not only ambushed the American Entertainment, she has also infiltrated the American military.  Below is the proof:

The military has a very important job in Afghanistan protecting the oil wells from Afghanis.  Without this service, gas would be over $3.00 per gallon.  Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t just ruining American Entertainment, she is also compromising military operations.  I call on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to take Jespen (and all of his other spies) back to Canada before we send the Kardashians and The Situation to Saskatchewan to “entertain” Canadians.

 

End of an Error

All bad things must come to an end.  This includes the “popularity” of Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  His new CD “Believe” is not selling as well as the Cinemafia and the Canadian government had hoped.  The era of “Beliebers” is over.  Americans have had enough of this spy and are demanding real entertainment.

It may be possible that I do not win the election in November.  That will not stop me from making the changes that America needs to make.  I will still fight the Cinemafia and do my best to make sure to spot Canadian spies as soon as they try to infiltrate the Great American Entertainment Industry.  I will also lobby elected officials to make sure that Vanna White’s birthday becomes a federal holiday.  It will be hard if I am not elected, but I will fight and make sure my entire platform is implemented.

 

How to Spot a Spy

Spies are taught the little nuances in blending in a local community.  They are taught the idiosyncratic actions unique to a local or regional culture.   Spy school is not perfect.  There are minute details that even they overlook.  Below are some things to look for among your neighbors:

School Bus Drivers: – If your school bus driver looks too much like a natural using a stick-shift, then he or she is probably a spy.  Americans know that the expression “Nothing is too good for my child.”  This is why school bus drivers are paid $8.00/hour and not minimum wage.

Church Parishioners: When the church pastor says to close your eyes and bow in prayer, there is always someone who won’t close his or her eyes.  I see this all the time when I go to church.  These “opened-eyers” can be scouting the church or the parishioners information they can give to their headquarters.

Homeless People:  If they are speaking to themselves words you can comprehend but in cryptic sentences, he or she is most likely a spy speaking in a stealth device like a shoe or a sleeve.

Strippers:  Many strippers twirl around a pole clockwise.  There are some who twirl counterclockwise and have a faint accent.  Beware of these people.  Do not give any information about anything.  If they don’t tell HQ, they’ll tell your spouse that you are at a strip club.

Names:  If a person’s name sounds more like a brand name, a double entendre ,  or a marketing slogan than a person’s name, then chances are that person is a spy.  I think New York Mets’ first base coach Razor Shines is a spy.

Keeping a casual but detailed look at your neighbors will help you find the spies crawling around your neighborhood.  If you find one, notify the FBI, your local authorities, and Fox News as soon as possible.  Together we can weed out many of the spies currently infiltrated in the United States.

Canada’s Newest Spy

Just when I thought that Canada couldn’t cause more harm to the American entertainment industry, they have released a new spy to wreck havoc.  The most disturbing trend is the latest spy is a minor.  The Canadian government is now sending children to taint American entertainment.  Stephen Harper has got to be the most evil man on Earth for unleashing Justin Bieber on unsuspecting Americans who only wanted to be entertained after a long day at work or school.

This is what America is now up against.  WARNING:  This is NOT entertainment!

Call President Obama and demand he take action on the contamination of American entertainment.  Let him know that Stephen Harper has to be disciplined for his heinous actions!

Beware of These People!

There are two types of people I am concerned about:  those who threaten the American way of life and those who are undermining my campaign.

These people below are threatening American entertainment and must be stopped!

Anne Murray, Celine Dion, and William Shatter are Canadian spies whose mission is to undermine the American entertainment industry and tamper with America’s last remaining significant export.

Those listed above have either stolen my campaign ideas in their campaigns or have covertly undermined my 2008 and 2012 campaigns. (Except Neil Patrick Harris, he was added because I think he’s a tad odd.)

Threat from Iran

I don’t feel threatened from Iran like I do from Canada.  It wasn’t Iran that sent spies like William Shattner and Anne Murray to the United States and infiltrate American society.  Besides, I like Persian cats.