I tried to live a normal life, but I was not meant to have a normal life. Some people can’t work a 9:00AM until 5:00PM job. A few people can’t eat ordinary processed foods due to various allergies and ailments. There are even people who insist on setting up a roll of toilet paper with the paper to pull down in front of the roll.
Every time I try to resume a normal life away from politics, something happens and people feel compelled to drag me back in the fire. There were two things that happened in the last week that got people upset enough that they had to talk to me into running for President.
The first thing was President Obama proposing that voting be mandatory. Many people are petrified that the only options on a Presidential ballot are Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush. I know that the Libertarian, Green, Birthday, and other Parties will have candidates, but most people are conditioned to believe that there are only two candidates.
I mentioned the second point in my most recent blog entry. My biggest fear with a Ted Cruz “presidency” is that Stephen Harper will be the de facto President of the United States. If you have seen how badly he is running Canada, there is no way you’d want him to be running our country.
It will take me a while before my campaign is fully operational. My first order of business is to find a volunteer campaign manager who is not currently in prison or living on a commune because he or she found
Harry Kirshner.Hare Krishna. The campaign should be fully operational by the second weekend of April.
Despite my personal life getting complicated, I have been able to hit the campaign trail. There is a growing dislike of Canadians from everybody that I talk to. The hatred started building last month when US government officials were contemplating taking my advice and deporting Canadian spy Justin Bieber. It built up a bit more last week when Canada’s men’s and women’s hockey teams beat their American counterparts in the men’s semifinals and the women’s gold medal games, respectively.
The final straw has come this week with Canada invading American air space with their “Operation Polar Vortex”. I am convinced that this is a directive given out by Prime Minister Stephen Harper. I have decided not to wait until “President” Obama decides he is going to do something. The planning stages are already underway for what I am calling, “Operation Gulf Melt” aimed at Canadian curling rinks. Anybody can roll a stone on ice, but it takes American talent to skip a stone on water.
I am currently having difficulties finding a place to host my
radio and television shows podcasts. My father doesn’t like it that I have taken to yelling and my mother keeps a bar of Safeguard nearby. They are both doing better, but neither able to live alone.
I will be in Delmar (either Delaware or Maryland – I forget which one, though the two Delmars do border each other.) campaigning this Friday and Saturday. I hope to see you there!
I apologize to those of you who thought that this was going to be about me. It’s not. It is about the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper. Kim Jong Un appears to be dangerous because he talks a lot of trash and backs it up by firing bottle rockets. Stephen Harper is a silent man. His weapons are covert and are not noticed until they have penetrated deeply into American culture.
His spy program is unparalleled in the cloak-and-dagger industry. While other countries tend to get their spies to blend in with the general populace, Canadian spies climb to the top of their respective fields. This is most true in the entertainment industry.
Why does infiltrating the Great American Entertainment Industry cause a big threat to national security? Because entertainment is the last great export America possesses. Canada has continually diluted American entertainment by sneaking spies like Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, and Norm MacDonald to sneak into the American entertainment industry. It has gotten to the point that American entertainment is beginning to look like Canadian entertainment. The transformation will be complete when poutine and Timbits become staples in “green rooms” across the country.
Stephen Harper must be stopped NOW!
I have to clarify something before I go on my rant. Not all Canadian entertainers are spies. They are not all performers. Rush is an excellent fan. Dave Foley is a very funny comedian. Pamela Anderson is sexy (and not just because her boobies are made in the USA).
A new Canadian spy has infiltrated the Great American Entertainment Industry. The damage this spy has done is worse than the actions of Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, William Shatner, and Anne Murray combined. Unlike these spies, the newest spy has not only ambushed the American Entertainment, she has also infiltrated the American military. Below is the proof:
The military has a very important job in Afghanistan protecting the oil wells from Afghanis. Without this service, gas would be over $3.00 per gallon. Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t just ruining American Entertainment, she is also compromising military operations. I call on Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to take Jespen (and all of his other spies) back to Canada before we send the Kardashians and The Situation to Saskatchewan to “entertain” Canadians.
I saw that headline and did a snoopy dance. The thought of Canada no longer sending spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber to taint the Great American Entertainment Industry was almost orgasmic. I went to surf the web to make sure what I heard was correct. It was… but it wasn’t.
It turns out that the Parliament was dissolved. And “dissolved” in Canadian has a different meaning than in English. All it means is that Parliament gets to go home and that there will be elections in May. It is conceivable that after all is said and done that Stephen Harper will still be Prime Minister.
It is also possible that Canada will elect a new majority to Parliament and they will pick a Prime Minister who appreciates American entertainment and won’t send the next Anne Murray south of their border. It is important that Canadians choose MPs that will not send spies to the Unites to cause even more damage.
I have heard rumors that one reason why Justin Bieber was sent here was because Gary Bettman is an American spy sent to destroy the NHL and hockey in general. I believe this not the case. While American-based teams have won every Stanley Cup since 1994, I doubt that Bettman is a spy. He hasn’t done anything to help my Washington Capitals win a Cup. The NHL’s woes are more likely because Bettman is incompetent than him being a spy.
Here’s to hoping Canada has a successful election and that Canada and the United States can have a healthy relationship without spying on each other.
Yesterday was the saddest day of my life. It started innocently enough as I prepared myself for the daily ritual of watching “Wheel of Fortune.” The first puzzle was completed without a hitch.
Then it was the start of the second puzzle. It was a “Before and After”, my favorite kind of puzzle. It was also a prize puzzle. The prize was a trip to Canada.
A trip to Canada? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
And there was Vanna, turning the letters as if nothing was wrong. It seemed like it didn’t bother Her at all. It was either the greatest acting performance ever or it was an act of treason – happily sending people to Canada. What’s the next trip prize going to be? A trip for two to Hell?
I was so distraught that I had to change the channel. The last time I changed the channel during “Wheel of Fortune” was when Chuck Wollery hosted and the letter-spinner wasn’t Vanna. Sleeping was difficult as I was tossing and turning all night and waking up from nightmares of Stephen Harper hosting “Wheel of Fortune” while holding a pitchfork and a value on the wheel of “$666.”
There is much for me to ponder.There is much for me to investigate. Do I continue to observe Vanna’s birthday as a religious holiday? Or do I accept the fact that She is a part of the Cinemafia. There is so much for my soul to digest but not a lot of time to digest it.
Just when I thought that Canada couldn’t cause more harm to the American entertainment industry, they have released a new spy to wreck havoc. The most disturbing trend is the latest spy is a minor. The Canadian government is now sending children to taint American entertainment. Stephen Harper has got to be the most evil man on Earth for unleashing Justin Bieber on unsuspecting Americans who only wanted to be entertained after a long day at work or school.
This is what America is now up against. WARNING: This is NOT entertainment!
Call President Obama and demand he take action on the contamination of American entertainment. Let him know that Stephen Harper has to be disciplined for his heinous actions!