Universal Appeal

Being President of the United States means just that:  Being the President of the United States.  It’s not just leading people who pay taxes or people who don’t pay taxes.  It’s not just being the President of those who vote for me or don’t vote for me.

It is because of these things that I try to campaign to everybody and not just to the demographics who might vote for me.  While there might be a lot of strippers, exchange students, and zombies, those groups alone are not enough to get me elected.  (Though it would make Delaware very close.)

I am campaigning to bankers, librarians, doctors, and WNBA players despite the possibility that I will not receive a vote from anybody in those demographics.  I will be their President as well as everybody else’s.  I will campaign to the 53% who pay income taxes and the 47% who supposedly do not.

It is not the case that I want to be President more than I want to get laid.  It’s that America needs me to be President more than I need to breathe.  No other candidate has mentioned the ill effects that the Cinemafia has caused on American Entertainment.  None have kept a watchful eye on the Canadian government as I have.

Please forgive my desperate pleas for your votes.  It will only be for another seven weeks.

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Wanted: Precinct Managers

Not everybody has the Internet.  Many people with Internet only go online to check their e-mail and download things like music, games, porn, and movies.  Others are on Facebook and Myspace, but aren’t looking for a presidential candidate or don’t like to discuss politics.

Two of the most common ways people vote for somebody are if the voter meets the candidate in person or by a glowing endorsement from somebody involved in the campaign.  Many campaigns do door-to-door to people’s houses.  I may do that in the future, but the plan for now is to canvass in the following areas:

• Bars – you can talk about just about anything with a drunk.  Just don’t agitate the person while he or she is in a drunken stupor.
• Church (or other place of worship) fellowship – My candidacy and platform are good ice-breaker for things like pot-luck dinners, family nights, and wife-swaps (the more liberal churches may engage in this).  Discussion of the campaign is strongly discouraged during worship service or Bible studies.  It wouldn’t hurt to ask for prayer for my campaign if prayer requests are taken.
• IRS audits – Being an IRS agent is a very difficult and unpopular job.  While my becoming President might not make them more popular, it could make their job easier.
• Nudie bars – Strippers tend to be open minded and are receptive to alternative ways of doing things (including voting for alternative politicians).
• Nursing homes – the elderly enjoy the company of others.  They appreciate candidates who have a plan to help save them money.

The job of Precinct Manager is simple:  To tell others about the campaign and to organize supporters to make sure everybody is on the same page.  As the campaign grows, if you feel like your precinct is getting too large, you can split the precinct and appoint someone the Manager of that new precinct.  You can make your job more exciting by betting other precincts over who can get the most supporters.  For a further discussion of what a Precinct Manager details, check out my show a week from tomorrow on Blogtalk Radio. Don’t forget to listen to tomorrow’s show as I talk to Mexican independent candidate for President of Mexico Noes Toiaqui.

 

How to Spot a Spy

Spies are taught the little nuances in blending in a local community.  They are taught the idiosyncratic actions unique to a local or regional culture.   Spy school is not perfect.  There are minute details that even they overlook.  Below are some things to look for among your neighbors:

School Bus Drivers: – If your school bus driver looks too much like a natural using a stick-shift, then he or she is probably a spy.  Americans know that the expression “Nothing is too good for my child.”  This is why school bus drivers are paid $8.00/hour and not minimum wage.

Church Parishioners: When the church pastor says to close your eyes and bow in prayer, there is always someone who won’t close his or her eyes.  I see this all the time when I go to church.  These “opened-eyers” can be scouting the church or the parishioners information they can give to their headquarters.

Homeless People:  If they are speaking to themselves words you can comprehend but in cryptic sentences, he or she is most likely a spy speaking in a stealth device like a shoe or a sleeve.

Strippers:  Many strippers twirl around a pole clockwise.  There are some who twirl counterclockwise and have a faint accent.  Beware of these people.  Do not give any information about anything.  If they don’t tell HQ, they’ll tell your spouse that you are at a strip club.

Names:  If a person’s name sounds more like a brand name, a double entendre ,  or a marketing slogan than a person’s name, then chances are that person is a spy.  I think New York Mets’ first base coach Razor Shines is a spy.

Keeping a casual but detailed look at your neighbors will help you find the spies crawling around your neighborhood.  If you find one, notify the FBI, your local authorities, and Fox News as soon as possible.  Together we can weed out many of the spies currently infiltrated in the United States.

How the Financial Crisis Will Affect How I Rule

It won’t affect how I rule.  It may affect some of my entertainment options if I am elected.  I would cut the number of sporting events I atend in half and the tips I would leave strippers would be diminished.

Religion in Public Life

If religion had really had the effect on society that critics state, then there wouldn’t be nudie bars for me to go to after a hard day of campaigning. There wouldn’t be bars and there wouldn’t be Methodists.

Lobbyists

I like my steak medium-well and a red wine.  A Rolex watch would be nice too.  I have my special interest groups I like to cater to.  I can admit it.  I cater to groups like strippers and librarians.