Why I am an Independent

People often ask me why I am running for President as an Independent and not as a Republican or a Democrat. They often claim that I do not have a chance because I do not belong to either party.

Some reasons why I am not a Republican:

• War: Republicans love to declare war on everybody (as long as their children don’t have to fight.) I believe war should be limited to the most extreme circumstances. (Like Canada.) They also believe that a soldier should be a soldier 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I believe a soldier should only have to be a soldier from 9AM to 5PM from Monday through Friday. They should have weekends and holidays off like everybody else.
• Surveillance: Republicans believe that we should be spying on anybody who can be considered a national threat. I think that surveillance equipment should only be used on the hottest women and only in showers and bedrooms.

Some reasons why I am not a Democrat:

• Bailouts: Democrats believe that we should bailout existing companies who are in trouble as a way to create jobs. I believe these are the last companies to go to for job creation. I have stated in the past that bailouts are better suited to go to companies who are either financially sound or no longer exist.
• Health Care: Democrats believe that government should play a role by helping pay for health care for people who can’t afford it. I believe the way to make health care affordable is by cutting costs. I am a proponent of prevention. The only role government should play in health care is planting apple trees everywhere. An apple a day will keep the doctor away, thus saving on trips to the doctor.

The vision for America that Democrats and Republicans have is too different for me to join either party. I believe that I am not the only person who feels this way towards both parties. This is why I am running as an Independent.

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A Look at my Platform – Privacy

Over the next couple weeks, I will take issues from my platform and further explain my positions. Today, I will discuss my views on privacy.

I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.

I once had the opportunity to listen in to a phone conversation when I was an intern at a private detective agency.  Below is a transcript of the conversation.  (NOTE:  Some facts are censored to protect the innocent.  Also note that Bob and Belinda’s name were changed to Jack and Jill to protect their identities.)

Jack:  Hi Honey, I’m at the Food Lion.  Do we need anything?

Jill:  We’ll need a couple boxes of macaroni and ******.

Jack:  Macaroni and ******.  Anything else?

Jill:  We’ll also need a gallon of 2% ****.  That should be all.

Jack;  Got it.  I’ll be home soon.  I **** you.

Jill:  I **** you too.

Now imagine listening to boring crap like that for a living.  I quit interning soon after that because I never got to listen to hot lesbian phone sex and surveillance has nothing to do with a Marketing degree.

If you think that is bad, imagine watching videos of fat guys walking topless on a boardwalk.  Now imagine him scratching his crotch.  This is torture for anybody who has to watch these types of videos.  This is why video surveillance should be only on the hottest women.  Leave the ugly people alone and let’s not see them any more than we have to.

I Should Have Ran as a Libertarian

I was reading some blogs last night about the Libertarian Convention, most notably “Last Free Voice.”  The blog was commenting on how unlibertarian some of the candidates are.  I might not agree with everything the Libertarian Party stands for, but I think they would like parts of my platform.

I am sure they would like my “Life begins at 40” position on abortion.  I also think that although it’s not totally libertarian, they would think of my “video surveillance on only the hottest women” position as a good start. 

I may not be the most libertarian candidate.  But I am pretty sure that I am more libertarian than Bob Barr, Wayne Alan Root, or Mike Gravel.  I am not too sure that Tucker Carlson is going to be elected, being that nobody knew he was considering running until yesterday.

 

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com