The Last 24 Hours

The last 24 hours have been busy between campaign obligations and personal things I needed to get done.  Some of the things took longer than I would have liked.

1:30PM – Went to doctor to get cast removed from ankle from my hiking incident in Colorado in August.  I spent almost three hours in the doctor’s office as the waiting room with ailments ranging from the swine flu and influenza to Simple Chronic Halitosis and epidermis exposure.  I am limping, but that should diminish as I get used to putting weight on my foot again.

4:30 – Headed to the supermarket to get food, chips, and beverages for the football game between the Redskins and the Eagles.  I was stuck behind a woman with 30 items in a “12 Items or Less” lane.  She apparently had tapped all of her credit and debit cards.

7:00 – Gave the Hell’s Angels speech.  I had spent so much time in the doctor’s office and the supermarket that I didn’t have an idea on what to speak about.  Fortunately, I was able to hear some Hell’s Angles member talk about how cold it was here but how hot it still was in Florida.  I came up with the concept of Local Warming.  Local Warming differs from Global Warming in that parts of the country that needs warming would be warmed while other parts would be cooled until a universal temperature is reached.  They were skeptical as to how I was going to do this, although it seemed they liked the idea.  I told them I would look into it and would come back in two months with a viable plan.

9:45 – Got home later than I wanted to.  The Redskins were already losing 17-3.  I gave up on cooking a meal for the game and just munched on chips while washing it down with Mountain Dew.

4:15AM – I found out that my neighbor’s dog gets irritated by the passing of fire trucks.

10:00AM – I found out that Facebook had shut down the “Orgies for Abstinence” event page.  Somebody was “offended.”  I do not know if the person was offended because he or she finds orgies or abstinence offensive or if this person felt slighted because I did not offer a personal invitation.

It’s off to work I go, followed by an evening of relaxation.

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I Have the Flu

The bad news is that I have the flu.  The good news is that it is not the Swine Flu or H1N1.  Sometimes I get lightheaded and come up with bad puns.

“I wonder if somebody with the Swine Flu is Flu-ent in Pig Latin.”

“The type of flu I have is sexually transmitted.  I got it from a Flu-sie.”

I don’t have the flu too often.  Coming up with bad puns should not be an issue if I become President.  I will have writers who will overcome my bad puns.  The only drawback is that they might also overcome my occasional good pun.

Under the Weather

I have been sick for the last few days.  I will continue to be sick until Saturday at 3:30PM Eastern.  I don’t have the Swine Flu or H1N1 or C3PO.  I received a virus from my computer.  I was hoping for a Trojan because I ran out the other day and I don’t want unprotected cybersex.

My Two Cents on Stuff

Swine Flu – The news coverage was more sickening than the disease.  In the end of the month, we’ll get extensive coverage on sunburn as part of “May Sweeps” television networks have this time of year.

Climate Change – I can save the government a lot of money with this statement:  It gets hot in the summer, and changes to cold in the winter.

Arlen Specter – Changed parties but is still unwilling to make Vanna White Day a federal holiday.

Bailouts – Chrysler and GM received bailout funds.  Chrysler has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  GM probably will soon.  I make this pledge that if the government gives me $5 billion, I will never file for bankruptcy.

Barack Obama – He seems to be a good president, but his entire cabinet sucks.  So does Ben Bernanke and the Detroit Lions

The New Pandemic

While the entire world has been focused on the Swine Flu, a new pandemic condition has surfaced around the world.  As of the last time data was gathered, over 20,000,000 million Americans were affected with some form of Simple Chronic Halitosis (SCH).  Like the Swine Flu, there are measures one can take to prevent the spread of Simple Chronic Halitosis.

• Avoid spicy foods and condiments – Avoid anything with onions, garlic, or peppers.  Do not drink coffee.  Do not add ketchup or mustard to food.  These accelerate the bacteria that cause SCH.
• Do eat minty foods – Foods like Mint flavored ice cream will help kill off SCH bacteria.
• Use mouthwash and brush your teeth and tongue – Proper oral hygiene is essential in preventing SCH and minimizing its effects if it does attack.

These few simple steps will go a long way in stopping ths spread of Simple Chronic Halitosis.

How to Stop the Swine Flu

I think stopping the Swine Flu is pretty easy.  All that has to be done is take a couple of steps to prevent it from spreading and to stop it from occurring again.

1. Some people are perverts and like to make love to pigs.  I would make this illegal.  Swine Flu comes from pigs and sticking things where it doesn’t belong only makes humans sick.
2. I would ban food made from pigs.  This would include sausage, pork chops, ham, and pig’s milk.  Adding chocolate syrup to the pig’s milk will not kill the virus.
3. Quarantine those who are affected to selected Circuit City locations.  Since Circuit City is out of business, there are plenty of places to place those who have fallen ill.
4. Those who have come in contact with those infected will be quarantined to their homes.  It is important to separate those who have the disease from those who come in contact with them.  It is also important to separate those who have come in contact from those of us who are not tainted.

Taking a few preventive steps will assure that Swine Flu stays with the pigs and keeps people healthy.