My Immigration Platform

Like many other candidates, I want to deport people who don’t belong in the United States.  The biggest difference between my proposal and proposals by other candidates is who should be deported.  Most candidates use place of origin as the basis of deportation (assuming they are here without permission.)  I don’t care what country a person is born.  Everybody should be welcomed in the United States and have a chance to prosper.

The people I would like to weed out has nothing to do with nationality.  I would use common sense as my criteria.   People with no common sense have no business living in the United States.  This includes the following people:

• People who text and drive.  (Using a cell phone for phone calls is not the best play in the playbook either, but at least it’s possible to look at the road while talking.
• People who cross a road without looking.  (Or worse – people who push baby carriages and strollers onto roads without looking.)  I don’t think there should be more laws imposed on people who use their brains to protect those who don’t)
• Drivers who cut you off as if in a hurry only to drive slower than a snail once they’re in front of you.
• People who go into express lanes in supermarkets (20 items or fewer) with 40 or more items.
• The person (or people) who came up with the TSA’s current pat-down procedure.  Someone explain to me how 19 hijackers got parlayed into legalized groping.  (Especially since those 19 hijackers are all dead.)

The hard part is going to be where to deport those born in the United States who fit into the above categories.  Greenland has a large area of land with no inhabitants.  I’ll negotiate with Greenland for a plan that works for both countries.

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Bedside Manner

I will be blogging from my bed for the next couple of days.  I went to a “Hello Kitty” meetup at Chuck E. Cheese.  I got in an accident on my way home from the meetup.  My car was hit from behind.  My back is very stiff.  The woman who hit me was in bad shape.  She was texting somebody while driving when she rammed me.  She wasn’t wearing a seat belt and was knocked unconsious.   When the police checked her out, they noticed a Blackberry on her lap.  The display read, “LOL”.

She is doing fine now and will be released from the hospital tomorrow morning.  I’ll be fine with some bed rest.  Karilyn, if you’re reading this, the only thing I will be able to do in bed for the next couple days is sleep and blog.  I am sorry.