Allegations Confronted

The pressure is on the Obama and Romney campaigns.  They and their supporters have stopped at nothing to try to smear my campaign. Below are the allegations followed by the truth:

• Ahmnodt Heare has been using performance-enhancing drugs – This is utterly false.  Polls from Reuters, Fox News, NBC, CBS, NY Times, The Onion, Wall Street Journal, and others both show Obama and Romney with substantial leads over everybody else.  I am not even mentioned in these polls.  If I was using these drugs, I would at least appear as a blip in the polls.
• Ahmnodt Heare plans to buy a majority share in Diebold – If I had that kind of money, I would have spent it on ads and election officials.  Diebold is a multi-billion dollar company who does not accept Marlboro Miles as currency.
• Ahmnodt Heare is planning an “October Surprise” – Well, duh!  Every campaign has an October surprise or two that they will use late in October to try to cripple opponents.  I will release mine on October 30.  (If I remember.)
• Ahmnodt Heare has been registering dead people to vote – What I have done is not registering dead people to vote.  What I have been doing is getting dead people to get themselves to register to vote.   Many of the recently deceased are already registered to vote and now need only to show up to vote.

I will address other allegations as they develop.  (Except for the embarrassing moment I had with a mannequin in the dressing room at Kohl’s. – I dismiss that as a “youthful indiscretion” as I was younger last weekend than I am now.)

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What I Have Been Reading

You can learn a lot about a person by what he or she reads.  I am more likely to get financial advice from someone who reads the Wall Street Journal than someone who reads the National Enquirer.  Likewise, someone who goes to laughordie.com is more likely to be a fun person than someone who goes to the Journal of American Medical Association (JAMA) website, even though JAMA sounds like a fun word.  Below are some of what I have been reading:

NEWS

The Onion:  Where I get most of my news.  There is a section dedicated to what Americans are thinking.  I read this section every day before reading anything else.

The Spoof:  They cover stories no other news organization will.  One disturbing story they covered was that chewable viagra was being marketed at children.

Weekly World News:  This was my newspaper of choice when it was available in print form.  Fortunately, it is still available on the web.

Blogs

The Problem With Young People – I have learned that seniors aren’t always the happy people the Cinemafia portray them to be.  Much of the unhappiness can be attributed with young people.  Don Mills has taught me a lot about senior citizens and the importance of staying off of lawns.

Trish O. Think’s Blog – It’s important to read blogs by people who think.  It was this blog entry that made me discovered I was meant to be President of the United States.

Bearman Cartoons – Yes it’s cartoons, but it’s cartoons that take a look at what is happening in America.  Without it, I could have very well thought that Americans were happy with how BP has been handling the oil spill.

Tales From the Trailerpark – It is important to reach out to everybody.  Trailer parks are known as a magnet for tornadoes.  The people who live in trailer parks are much like people who live in houses, apartments, and cardboard boxes.  They enjoy some good moonshine and savor fine quality chewing tobacco as much as anybody else.

If you read the news and blog links that I have highlighted in this blog entry, then you will understand my mindset and realize I am the only candidate for President who gets it.

A Day of Campaigning

I have decided to take people inside what a day of campaigning is like for me.  The following occurred Friday 1, 2009:

6:00AM – Wake up, turn the alarm off, do the three “S’s”,  make coffee, grits, and toast.  Watch local news and jot stuff down.

7:00AM – Watch “Good Morning American” until it gets geared towards topics for women.  Get dressed.  Watch “Fox and Friends” until 8:00.

8:00 – Get on the internet, read and reply to e-mail, check blog replies, go on YoVille and get coins for hanging out with friends.  Read various news websites like Drudge, CNN.com, Wall Street Journal, and The Onion.

9:00 – Call radio station for scheduled 9:07 interview.  Gets canceled due to around-the-clock coverage of the “Swine Flu”.  No reschedule as of yet.

9:10 – Head to local diner to discuss issues with patrons and staff (when the owner wasn’t watching).  People were more concerned with the economy and jobs than they were about the Swine Flu or even the CineMafia.

10:00 – Go to the library and do research on various topics for future speeches.  The topics I can’t find at the library I can usually find at the adult book store down the street.

12:00 – Home for lunch: Macaroni and Cheese and two hot dogs.  Watch the news networks.  Send out e-mails to various media outlets explaining my availability for interviews.  Call mother and Grandma Oudda and find out how they’re doing.

1:00 – Check on business – call clients and make sure they are happy with previous efforts and remind them of my future availability.  Work on some work-related projects.

3:00 – Interviewed by a Dutch political website for their “foreign affairs” section.  They seemed confused that I didn’t vote for Obama or McCain and did not understand that I ran for president in 2008 and voted for myself.

4:00 – Oprah!  I can’t miss Oprah.  Especially in May.  May “Sweeps Months” brings out the “Very Special” Oprah shows and I do not want to miss those!

5:00 – Walk around the neighborhood.  This is my exercise for the day.  It also clears my mind.

5:30 – check e-mails and voice mail.  Respond to those I can.  Skim Drudge and Weekly World News.

6:00 – Dinner – Burgers on the grill, corn on the cob, and green beans.

7:00 – Take cab to Veterans’ Lodge – read speech and make last minute revisions.  Rehearse speech for rest of hour once I arrive.

8:00 – Speeches:  I am the third speaker of the evening.  The first two speeches were about veterans’ benefits.  I got up and before I got to speak, this grizzly looking Vietnam Vet looked at me like I farted on his mama.  The people didn’t like my “Culture War” speech at first, but once I explained to them how it affected their well-being and their lives, they became very accepting.  Even the grizzly guy seemed to agree with me.  Received a warm ovation and hung out to listen to the rest of the speeches.

9:30 – Take cab home.  Check e-mail, blog, voice mail, and social networking websites. Correspond accordingly to all of the above.

10:15 – Work on speeches, editorials, blog, and book.  Check schedule for future events.

12:00 – Bed