Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

For Those Tired of the Same Old

If you’re old enough to have seen things since the 1980’s, you have notice that many things have changed and many haven’t.  Most of the change for the better include cell phones, internet, and video recording clear enough that you don’t get static lines all over the screen when the picture is paused during a hot porno scene.  These can all be attributed to the private sector wanting to make things better.

You would also notice that airport security is much tighter and includes an occasional grope.  There are fewer places for smokers to go to smoke and relieve themselves from the need to strangle an idiot.  Just about everything comes with a warning label, including one for peanut butter to remind us that peanut butter contains peanuts.  These can all be attributed to government wanting to make things better.

Private sector changes will happen regardless of who gets elected in 2016.  Gadgets will be cooler to play with and be more efficient.  Government will also make changes regardless of who gets elected.  The difference between other candidates and me is that I won’t have a lobby group funding any portion of my campaign.  I will put on my private-sector thinking cap and make government better.  There is already positive feedback about my TSA plan of turning TSA security guards into massage therapists.  I would do away with mandating labels on peanut butter because if a person can’t figure out that peanut butter contains peanuts, then he or she deserves the outcome of one’s actions.

Most of the candidates that are being considered to run for President have spent a lot of time in government and are limited to using government-type solutions to problems that only government people can conjure up.  I am a lifetime private sector employee and business owner who has a history of making things better by using private sector solutions.  Choose wisely, grasshopper.

June 30, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, change, commentary, election, issues, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on For Those Tired of the Same Old

Why I Have to Run for President

I was hoping that I would not have to run for President in 2016.  My life is getting more hectic as my parents’ health conditions are not getting better, my daughter and her mother are getting ready to move away, and the local “Hello Kitty” fan club is getting chaotic due to the lack of a fan club president.

The sad truth is that America is in bad shape now, and will continue to get worse if any for the popular candidates considering a run for president ends up getting elected.  Hillary Clinton isn’t going to fix anything.  Neither will Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, or Rand Paul.  they will just continue the same debacle of a plan that America has been on since George W. Bush took office in 2001.  America will soon cease to exist as we know it if any of these people get elected.  They all would continue to carry out the same policies that George W. Bush and Barack Obama have carried out.  My platform is refreshingly different.

We cannot continue to have our police harass the good people when there are so many bad people who need to be arrested.  People like drug dealers, hoodlums, and hipsters need to be taken off the streets and into a jail that doesn’t have internet.  The system that the government uses to calculate inflation has to change to a system that includes the prices of things that go up.  Otherwise, you end up with what we have now.  (“Low” inflation based on the cost of merchandise at Dollar Tree.)

We need a foreign policy that discourages the knee-jerk reaction of bringing the troops all over the world to intervene in every situation.  Our wars have to be few, brief, and fiscally responsible.  They also have to be fought as humanely as possible.

The IRS needs to be taken out of health care, day care, and lemonade stands.  The TSA needs to be taken out of airports and replaced with massage therapists.  The FDA has to be told that cell phones are neither a food nor a drug and that cell phones shouldn’t have to meet FDA guidelines.

I am running for President because I want an America that I, my child, your children, and Nadia Suleman’s children can live in without fear of government becoming bankrupt either fiscally or morally and can plan a better lives for their children and grandchildren.

 

June 29, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, election, foreign policy, health care, humor, issues, Personal Life, politics, satire, taxes | , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Why I Have to Run for President

Government Shutdown

The way President Obama is handling the “government shutdown” is but another example of why I would have been a better president than him.  Below are some reasons why:

  • Only “Non-essential” services are shut down.  The question isn’t what is essential but who decides what is essential.  I would have shut down the IRS, but not because everybody hates it.  I would shut it down to send a message to Congress that neither they nor I will get paid as long as there is a shutdown because there is no revenue being collected.
  • I’d keep the national parks open because people need to get out more.  By  the time this shutdown is over, it will be too cold to enjoy the parks.
  • The NSA is working as normal.  Nobody at the NSA really likes me (except the guy in the corner cubicle who always like to start a ruckus.)
  • I’d not only close the Bureau of Wild Horse and Burro closed during the shutdown, I’d close it permanently.  I hope the five people who own a wild horse or a burro understand that the 300,000,000 Americans who don’t own one feel that a federal agency isn’t really necessary.

If you cannot afford a prostate exam, the TSA will perform one for you at no additional charge if you plan on flying on an airplane.

UPDATE: The move has been delayed by a week.  The official activity will return on Columbus Day.  (Thanksgiving Day in Canada)

October 1, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, politics, satire | , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Immigration Platform

Like many other candidates, I want to deport people who don’t belong in the United States.  The biggest difference between my proposal and proposals by other candidates is who should be deported.  Most candidates use place of origin as the basis of deportation (assuming they are here without permission.)  I don’t care what country a person is born.  Everybody should be welcomed in the United States and have a chance to prosper.

The people I would like to weed out has nothing to do with nationality.  I would use common sense as my criteria.   People with no common sense have no business living in the United States.  This includes the following people:

  • People who text and drive.  (Using a cell phone for phone calls is not the best play in the playbook either, but at least it’s possible to look at the road while talking.
  • People who cross a road without looking.  (Or worse – people who push baby carriages and strollers onto roads without looking.)  I don’t think there should be more laws imposed on people who use their brains to protect those who don’t)
  • Drivers who cut you off as if in a hurry only to drive slower than a snail once they’re in front of you.
  • People who go into express lanes in supermarkets (20 items or fewer) with 40 or more items.
  • The person (or people) who came up with the TSA’s current pat-down procedure.  Someone explain to me how 19 hijackers got parlayed into legalized groping.  (Especially since those 19 hijackers are all dead.)

The hard part is going to be where to deport those born in the United States who fit into the above categories.  Greenland has a large area of land with no inhabitants.  I’ll negotiate with Greenland for a plan that works for both countries.

February 8, 2012 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, commentary, editorial, foreign policy, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Another Reason to Hate the Dallas Cowboys

I am a Washington Redskins fan.  Hating the Cowboys is as natural as walking or picking scabs off of my mother’s face.  Most of my hatred of the Cowboys has come from the many games the Redskins have played the Cowboys over the years.  The Cowboys cheat.  (If you don’t believe me, ask any New York Giants or Philadelphia Eagles fan.)

The United States has gone downhill since the Cowboys were given the moniker of “America’s Team.”  This is a totally inaccurate assessment.  The capitol of America is not in Dallas, it’s in Washington, DC.  Rather than proclaim the Redskins as America’s team, I will say that America has 30 7/8 teams.  (Dallas is a bad example of America and the Buffalo Bills play a home game in Toronto.)

The latest reason to hate the Dallas Cowboys has nothing to do with the Redskins.  For that matter, it has nothing to do with any team in the NFC.  The reason why we should hate the Cowboys now is because of their fans.  Say what you want about fans of the Eagles, New York Yankees, and Justin Bieber, but even they wouldn’t use a taser on fans of another team.

This incident occurred on September 11, 2011 during a game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey.  The Cowboy fan (wearing a DeMarcus Ware jersey) tasered a Jets fan after the Jets fan heckled him for not standing for the National Anthem on September 11 at a place where one could see where the Twin Towers used to stand.)

The worst part of this is that for now on, when attending an NFL game in any stadium, fans will be subject to a TSA-style screening and having their privates felt to make sure said privates are not a taser. Thanks to “America’s Team” and their fans, going to a game will be like going to an airport (being groped by middle-aged ugly guys and dealing with excess baggage.)

September 21, 2011 Posted by | commentary, editorial, humor, satire | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Me vs Them – National Security

There are two parts of national security:  What we need to do and how to do it.  All of the presidential candidates including me agree that we need to secure our borders.  The difference between us is how to go about them.

My plan is simple:  Protect our borders.  Army bases along the borders with Canada and Mexico.  Naval bases along the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans and throughout Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes.  Pull the troops out of other countries.  They can protect their own borders.

Barack Obama’s plan is more complex:  Have our troops fighting wars overseas.  Add a troop or two from other countries and call it a “NATO Mission.”

Most of the Republican candidates have a plan similar to President Obama’s plan.  The biggest difference is that they wouldn’t have foreigners in an American military unit.  Ron Paul’s plan is closer to mine than to the other Republicans’ plans, but I doubt he would have the troop concentration along Canada that I would.

The TSA is another part of National Security.  Many of the candidates feel that TSA agents have to grope airport passengers to make the country safer.  I don’t feel safer when a guy touches my junk.  I would have the passenger touch his or her own junk in front of the TSA agent of his or her own choosing,The agent can instruct how to touch (for those who don’t know how to touch themselves.)

America needs to be safe again.  Securing the borders does this.  Having those who are supposed to protect us fighting in the Middle East does not.  Neither does being groped by a stranger.

This post is part of the “Me vs. Them” series.  Come back often to see the entire series.

May 29, 2011 Posted by | campaign, commentary, editorial, election, humor, Obama, politics, Republicans, satire | , , , , | 5 Comments

2011 and Federal Agencies

This week I will be taking a look at what will be happening to Washington in 2011. I will be looking at the House, the Senate, the White House, the Supreme Court, and Federal agencies. Today I will look at federal agencies.

The Republicans are now in  control of the House of the Representatives.  They say they want to make government smaller.  There are two problems with that.  The first problem is the last time Republicans made government smaller, they added $5 trillion to the debt.  The other problem is that Democrats still control the Senate and the White House, and they’re more concerned with keeping and strengthening government programs than they are with managing the debt (Currently at $14 trillion).

Democrats want to give federal agencies more power while Republicans want to give government less power.  This is the opposite from when Bush was President and Republicans wanted more power for the government and Democrats wanted government to have less power (and more money.)  The general rule is that the majority wants more power and the minority wants less.  This pattern will continue until the minority has more people than the majority.

The one agency that could buck this trend is the U.S. Postal Service.  Unlike other agencies, the Postal Service is funded by revenue they generate.  They haven’t been generating as much revenue in recent years as more people are realizing that you can send e-mail without paying $.44 per e-mail.  This is making the Postal Service want to cut mail delivery to 5 days per week and getting rid of Saturday delivery.

While the Postal Service cuts service and personnel, you can breath easy knowing that there will be more TSA agents at airports to grope you and more IRS agents to make sure you’re paying your taxes so the government can pay the TSA agents to grope you.

There will be more government to protect you in 2011 than ever before.  You’ll only to be able to read about it in the mail five days a week.

January 8, 2011 Posted by | commentary, editorial, humor, politics, postaday2011, satire, Washington | , , , , , | 4 Comments

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