Rethinking my Foreign Policy

War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shatner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.

Here is the summary from that link:

• Wars shall only be fought between 9:00AM and 5:00PM Mondays through Fridays.  This will allow our troops to come home for dinner every night and weekends.  It is important to keep morale high.  There will be no fighting on holidays (American or Canadian)
• No bombing of hockey rinks, Tim Horton’s, or curling ponds.  We don’t hate Canadians, just the Canadian government, and specifically, those agencies responsible.
• To show that the Canadians are willing to play fair, they have promised no arctic cold fronts during the summer.

Unfortunately, events have occurred in recent days that have made me think I should revise my foreign policy as it applies to Canada.  I have observed that Canadian people are having a hard time dealing with the fact that the USA hockey team beat their team at their national sport.  The people in Vancouver were booing their Canucks’ Ryan Kesler every time he touched the puck in today’s game between the United States and Switzerland.  They harassed supporters of my campaign when they held “Ahmnodt Heare for President” signs behind the Swiss penalty box.  Security confiscated the signs and escorted them out of the arena.

I have revised my policy as follows:

• War will still be from 9-to-5.  But there will also be war on Saturdays.  There will be war on Canada Day and Boxing Day unless those days falls on a Sunday.
• While the ban on bombing Tim Horton’s and hockey rinks are still in effect, the ban on Curling rinks will be lifted.  Curling is not a real sport.  If it was, Americans would have done well at the Olympics.
• If these actions are not enough, I will sign an executive order forcing tropical warm fronts to invade Canada during outdoor hockey and curling tournaments.

I am a reasonable man.  I am sure we can work things out.

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I Should Have Thought of This Earlier

If you are fortunate enough to attend the Winter Olympics in Vancouver and your seat at a venue is in a highly visible spot, then feel free to display an “Ahmnodt Heare” sign at your event.

Signs should be 15" by 9"(38 x 23 cm).

The XXI Winter Olympiad

The opening of the Olympic Games starts tonight in Vancouver,  British Columbia.  Contrary to what you may think, I am wishing success in the Olympics.  Remember, it’s the Canadian government, not the Canadian people, who are responsible for the deterioration of American entertainment by allowing their spies William Shatner and Celine Dion to saturate the once excellent American entertainment industry.

Much is being said about the fact that there is no snow in Vancouver.  For those not familiar with Canadian climate, while most of Canada is known for cold and snowy winters, Vancouver gets little snow and usually has warmer winters than New York City.  This is because of its proximity to the Pacific Ocean, which brings warm winds to the North American coastline.  If you go an hour inland, you’ll get the cold and snow known as Canada.

Canada will probably win the most medals because they are home and have a lot of people who are used to brutal winters and are acclimated to winter sports.  They will not win the gold medal in Men’s Hockey though.  That distinction will go to the Russian team.  The Russians will win the gold because they have the most Washington Capitals on the team.  Alexander Ovechkin is the best player in hockey.  Alexander Semin will be a solid second-line player on a team filled with talent.  Semyon Varmalov is a better goalie than Jose Theodore (last night’s game against Ottawa excluded) and is capable of making big saves.  Evgeni Nabokov is one of the best goalies in the NHL and will be good enough to allow fewer goals than the Russians will score.

I am going to make 2010 the year I know what Curling is.