How I Would Have Handled the Secret Service Incident

I didn’t want to comment on the Secret Service’s problem in Colombia last week because as far as I can see it, they did nothing illegal.  The only thing they were guilty of was not paying enough for services rendered.  Prostitution is legal in Colombia and the President was not in Colombia for the summit yet.  President Obama was not harmed in any way and it seems that his safety was never in question.  Below is how I would have handled the situation:

• I would have met with the supervisors responsible.  I would ask them their side of the story.  Since my safety was never compromised and there are bigger issues the media needs to be covering, I would have paid the difference.  These men and women risk their lives to protect mine.  I would cover their backs and not let them hang out to dry.
• I would interview each member involved in the incident.  I would ask the same questions a consumer would ask when about to pay for a service.  The vetting process should not be limited to high positions in government.  Those who work on a job-by-job basis also need to be vetted.
• The secret service agents involved would then see a physician.  They would undergo the testing needed to make sure they did not come down with a venereal disease.  Those who had infected the agents would be disqualified from performing their duties on the President of the United States.

On the scale of things that are going wrong in Washington and in government, this is pretty low.  There are bigger problems that need to be fixed and I intend to fix them as President.

The Vetting Process

The vetting process is one of the most agonizing aspects of running for office.  Mitt Romney is currently undergoing the process in his pursuit of a running mate.  Barack Obama went through the process in 2008 and somehow ended up with Joe Biden.  I went through it in 2008 and again a few months ago.  I went through the traditional vetting process in 2008 and it proved to be disastrous.  I would find out after the process that candidates were either felons, Canadian, under 35, or (in the case of one of the female candidates) unwilling to put out.  I ended up running for both President and Vice-President because I couldn’t find a qualified candidate for vice-president.

My 2012 search did not start any better.  I found someone who was fully qualified but backed down once she was under the media scrutiny.  It was soon after my trip to the ashram in Oregon in 2009 that I discovered a better vetting process.  I have learned to trust my instincts and use vetting methods and decision-making that work best for me.

Albee Thayer beat out other candidates including former Team USA hockey player Dave Christian, Alice Cooper, and Betty White.

The method used when I am with friends and we're looking to determine which nudie bar will be blessed with our presence.

H

The Magic 8-Ball is my consulting tool when I am stumped on forming policy decisions.

I cannot speak with certainty about the other candidates, but I am well-equipped to handle the challenges I will face as President.