Birth Control Pills

I am going to spend more time writing how unqualified I am to comment on birth control pills than I am on birth control pills.  The reason is simple:  I don’t need them and I don’t envision my ever needing them.  Who should or shouldn’t use them should be left to women as they have the most at stake.

Rush Limbaugh recently called Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute.”  One thing I have noticed is men who call women names like “slut” aren’t getting any from those women, so technically, they can’t confirm.

He later went to say that if we were going to pay for women’s birth control pills then women should work for that money by showing sex videos. Based on that logic, we should send him videos of men having gay sex after taking taxpayer-funded Viagra.  Taking sex out of his logic, it’s like the CIA broadcasting their covert meetings on the internet because we pay for the CIA with tax dollars and with drug money.

Ladies, feel free to send me your sex videos.  I will not ask if you are using birth control pills because it is none of my business.

Advertisement

Starting From Scratch

Preparations are now underway for Orgies for Abstinence V.  I thought I had pamphlets left over from Orgies for Abstinence IV, but I do not.  I couldn’t find a copy on my hard drive or on any USB drive or CD-Roms.  These pamphlets are a vital part of bringing abstinence awareness at orgies.  Without them, it will be like any other Friday night.

i went through search engines hoping to find a template for abstinence.  I couldn’t find a template, but I did find a Christian organization that was selling pamphlets.  This cannot do.  Abstinence information is too important to sell.  This information should be available for free.

I will be volunteering next weekend for the “Condoms for Cousins” campaign up in the mountains.  I am hoping we can get enough condoms so I could have some of what is left over for the “Orgies for Abstinence” campaign.

Critics in the past have asked my why do I need condoms and Viagra to promote abstinence.  It is fair and valid question.  The answer is the same reason why the military uses guns, bombs, and tanks to promote peace.  Sometimes you have to do what is against your beliefs to get to the point where you can abide by your mores.

The formatting for pamphlets will make it impossible to post it here, but when I am finished, I will provide a link to where you can print it in WYSIWYG format.

What I Have Been Reading

You can learn a lot about a person by what he or she reads.  I am more likely to get financial advice from someone who reads the Wall Street Journal than someone who reads the National Enquirer.  Likewise, someone who goes to laughordie.com is more likely to be a fun person than someone who goes to the Journal of American Medical Association (JAMA) website, even though JAMA sounds like a fun word.  Below are some of what I have been reading:

NEWS

The Onion:  Where I get most of my news.  There is a section dedicated to what Americans are thinking.  I read this section every day before reading anything else.

The Spoof:  They cover stories no other news organization will.  One disturbing story they covered was that chewable viagra was being marketed at children.

Weekly World News:  This was my newspaper of choice when it was available in print form.  Fortunately, it is still available on the web.

Blogs

The Problem With Young People – I have learned that seniors aren’t always the happy people the Cinemafia portray them to be.  Much of the unhappiness can be attributed with young people.  Don Mills has taught me a lot about senior citizens and the importance of staying off of lawns.

Trish O. Think’s Blog – It’s important to read blogs by people who think.  It was this blog entry that made me discovered I was meant to be President of the United States.

Bearman Cartoons – Yes it’s cartoons, but it’s cartoons that take a look at what is happening in America.  Without it, I could have very well thought that Americans were happy with how BP has been handling the oil spill.

Tales From the Trailerpark – It is important to reach out to everybody.  Trailer parks are known as a magnet for tornadoes.  The people who live in trailer parks are much like people who live in houses, apartments, and cardboard boxes.  They enjoy some good moonshine and savor fine quality chewing tobacco as much as anybody else.

If you read the news and blog links that I have highlighted in this blog entry, then you will understand my mindset and realize I am the only candidate for President who gets it.

Not Pleased With the Health Care Bill

Let’s assume for a minute that the health care bill does everything the Democrats say it will without the scary things Republicans say it will do.  I would still be against this bill.  While the bill offers a lot, there are still provisions missing from it that I feel it needs:

• Not all doctors will be able to collect from insurance companies:  Sure doctors can collect if they practice “conventional” medicine of chiropractic medicine, but my doctor practices Santeria medicine.  This bill discriminates against doctors who offer animal sacrifices for the wellness of others.
• Not all drugs are covered in drug plans.  There is no point in getting generic Viagra for $4 if you can’t get a generic case of beer for $4.  Beer contains alcohol, which is a drug.  Looking at some of the women I had been with over the years, I needed that case of beer before I would do anything that would require the use of Viagra.
• It offers little in preventive medicine.  This bill offers no discounts in preventions I feel would work.
• It doesn’t cut the cost of health care, just the amount you would pay out of your pocket.  (Remember, we’re assuming that the Democrats are correct with this bill – which they’re not.)  The price of premiums may be cut, but not the cost.  The government will pick up the costs that you’re not paying for now.  When I say “government”, I mean “taxpayer”, and when I say “taxpayer”, I mean you.

I am not a big fan on mandated health insurance.  Don’t ask me why this happens, but every time auto insurance becomes mandated in a state, the premiums increase.  The states with the lowest insurance rates are the few states that don’t mandate it.

One would figure that a bill as thick as a phone book would have been able to include everything, including the points I mentioned earlier.  This bill does not do that, so I am urging the House of Representatives not to pass this bill until my points are remedied.

Riding the Gravy Train

One of the prices one pays as one becomes more popular is that some people want to ride one’s coattails.  One of the worst coattail riders is spammers.  These people will plug any product anywhere without knowledge of the topic and without consent of the blogger.

I would like to thank WordPress for having a Spam filter that gets most of the spam before it gets posted.  Some of the spam that gets filtered include “Viagra for Kids” and “Nancy Pelosi Nude!” pictures.

I understand that people want to start a business but they don’t have money for advertising.  I am an understanding person.  I will allow spam under the following provisions:

• It must be topical – Don’t plug your brothel if I am talking about child care.  Plugging your brothel is acceptable only when I blog about a topic related to brothels and you provide me with round-trip transportation to and your brothel so I can sample for quality assurance for my readers.
• It must be legal – I do not want to get in trouble for something I did not post.  If I do get in trouble, I will find you and make you listen to “Little River Band” 24/7 until you crack.
• If possible, I would like a free sample (providing it is legal).

I hope we can work together on this.  And although I do not require it, it would be nice if you endorse me for president on your website.

Questions Parents Should Not Hear

I was shocked to see Patricia’s mother and Patricia at my door this morning.  A childhood friend of Patricia’s mother passed away yesterday in Minnesota and wanted me to watch Patricia for a few days.

I wish I remembered the name of Patricia’s mother.  It was a one-night stand, but the result of the one-night stand was Patricia.  I should ask Patricia what her mother’s name is, but I should find a way to ask without suggesting I have no idea what her mom’s name is.)

I was watching one of the news stations when a commercial for Viagra was on.

“Daddy, what is Viagra?”

Why are there commercials for Viagra on during the day when children are at home and want to be informed with what is going on in the world.

“It’s a medicine for old men.”

“What is it for?”

“I don’t know, Patricia.  I’m not an old man.”

I managed to dodge that bullet.  We were watching “The Golden Girls” on the Hallmark Channel.  There was a commercial for Pamprin.  I tried to distract Patricia by telling her she can have a glass of fruit juice, but she was fixated on the television.

“Daddy, what’s Pamprin?”

“It’s a medicine for women.”

“What does it do?”

“I don’t know…  You’ll have to ask a woman.”

Before she could ask another question, I decided that we have watched enough television and that we should go to the park.

A Blot on the Family Tree

It is a sad day for the Heare family.  It is with deep sorrow that I inform you what my father did.  He has been banned from the Northern Virginia Shuffleboard League because he tested positive for “performance-enhancing” drugs.  By performance-enhancing drugs, I don’t mean something like “Viagra.”  If that was the case, at least my mother would be happy.

My father tested positive for anabolic steroids when he was tested following his “record-breaking” performance in the Northern VA Shuffleboard League semi-finals.  He was an average player during the regular season with no outstanding games and no terrible games.  His performance escalated with his best performances during the playoffs and cumulated with his “record-setting” performance in the semi-finals.

He does not plan to appeal the decision and apologized to the other participants and to the league for his poor discretion.  I would like to take a moment to state that I had no prior knowledge that he played shuffleboard.

I will not be campaigning much this weekend as I recover from this ordeal.