Do Not Forget!

Today is Election Day.  It is important that you vote.  New Jersey and Virginia will vote for a governor.  New York City will vote for a mayor.  Upstate New York will vote for an interim congressperson.

You should vote today even if the most important office up for grabs in your community is “dog catcher.”  Local elections are important because these are the people who write the pesky little laws that makes living in your town a sucky experience.

After you perform your patriotic duty by voting, you can experience what it is like to be a politician treating his or her constituents by attending an “Orgies for Abstinence” event taking place throughout the country.  If you can’t find one, then feel free to host one among friends.  Remember that Orgies for Abstinence is like War for Peace – only more fun!

Now get out and vote!

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Why I’m Running for President

Some people might say I am setting my goals too high, but I’m not one of those people.  I see a Congress that is more than willing to save big business from failing but does nothing for small businesses like the nudie bar down the street from me.  I see a congress that wants America’s youth to volunteer while the only volunteering they have done is volunteer to  give themselves raises.

I see a president who says he wants to help the average America, but has done nothing about the affordability of going to a movie.  Movie prices have increased here recently as well as the price of refreshments.  I see a president who says he wants to fight terrorism, but has done nothing to prevent the likes of William Shattner and Anne Murray from infiltrating our country.

I see a Democratic Party that complained about “trickle-down” economics, but gave trillions to failed businesses with none of that money trickling down.  I see a Republican Party that claims to be fiscally conservative, but voted to fund a “bridge to nowhere” with a GOP Congress and President to a red state with Republican senators and a Republican governor.

This is why I am running for President as an Independent:  Because I get it.  I see that small businesses and families need help as much as big businesses and the Cinemafia.  I see that prosperity cannot exist when money is taken from people trying to prosper to people who have prospered and blew the money.  I see that people want ther bridges want to go from somewhere to somewhere else.

I can’t do this alone.  (Unless I took over via a coup d’ e’tat, which I can’t because government too too much tax money for me to fund that.  Besides, somebody might get hurt.)  I need your help and I will need your vote.  Because somebody has to look out for the average American.

So Far, Not So Good

I was hoping my campaigning in Dixville Notch would have paid off, but it seems that it hasn’t.  Dixville Notch is the first community in the country to vote and often announce their results around 12:05 AM.

I am also hearing complaints from the deceased in this election.  Many are saying that they are not allowed to vote while others found that somebody had voted for Barack Obama on thier behalf.

Campaign Schedule for October 26-27

I will be spending the next couple days campaigning in morgues in the Northeast.  My hope is that the recently deceased are registered voters and that they will vote for Ahmnodt Heare. 

If you plan on dying between now and Election Day and you need a ride to your election polling station, then send me an e-mail and I will arrange transportation for you.

An Open Letter to the Electoral College

Dear Electoral Collegian:

Sometime after Election Day, you will be representing your state as you cast the vote that counts for president.  Instead of voting for the person you have been assigned to vote for, I would like to suggest why you should vote for me (Ahmnodt Heare) for President.

Americans want change.  Nobody has a platform with as much change as I do.  Unlike my opponents, I do not have a party to bog down my agenda.  I am the only candidate with programs to jump start the economy without using taxpayers’ dollars.

I thank you for your service and for your duty in serving in the Electoral College.  If I am elected president, I will fund the Electoral College’s sports program so it can compete with the SEC, Big 10, Pac 10, and other major conferences. 

Sincerely,

Ahmnodt Heare

Independent Candidate for President

Ahmnodt Heare for America.  Ahmnodt Heare for You.

Closing Statement

America needs more than change.  America needs a few greenbacks also.  America needs some with a vision, a sense of leadership, and the ability to think out of a box without being called a “maverick.”

I will give the same fight to the evils of government that I have given to the CineMafia and to Buckles the Clown.  I will give the same dedication to my country as I gave to the hottie last Saturday Night. 

I will fight people who hold debates and not invite me.  I understand John McCain had to be there live because he doesn’t know what a blog is.  No more Budweiser for me.  Anheiser-Busch sponsors debates but only invites two parties.  I would invite all 2,794 candidates to debate.

Tonight I will end by asking you for your vote.  A vote for Me is a vote for affordable entertainment, an affordable health care system, and a vote for change.  On Election Day, tell your fellow Americans, “Ahmnodt Heare!”

Join WALNUT!

There are many groups whose function is to help the poor with things like food, shelter, and voting.  I volunteer for a group called WALNUT (We Americans Lending Naturally Underused Talents).  WALNUT helps people with limited potential reach their potential.

WALNUT helps people with their shopping budget.  We show them the cost-saving measures of Ramen Noodles, coupons, and using other people’s money.  WALNUT helps the homeless’s shelter needs by showing them what to look for in a cardboard box.  WALNUT helps taking the pressure of voting off of people by filling out an absentee ballot on their behalf.  The only thing they have to do is sign the ballot.

I strongly urge you join a WALNUT near you.  If you can’t find a WALNUT near you, you can start your own chapter.