Maury Moments

A “Maury Moment” is the time spent waiting for test results.  “Test results” and “Lie detector tests” are themes of the Maury Povich show.  The first Maury moment I had was in the summer of 2002 when I would find out that “Ahmnodt the father.”  My daughter was born the following March.

The second moment was a couple weeks ago when I underwent some tests when I suddenly lost weight and became ill.  Those tests were inconclusive and I had to go to Albany on Monday to undergo more tests.

The third Maury moment was yesterday from when my doctor called me and wanted to see him that afternoon.  I was concerned that the urgency of having to meet the doctor could have been a bad thing.  It turns out that urgency was because the doctor was about to take a three-week vacation and didn’t want to leave me hanging all this time.

The good news is that whatever caused me to lose weight and become sick was temporary and my blood tests came back fine.  The bad news is that during the checkup, the doctor noticed that I was having difficulty breathing deeply.  I have to undergo more tests for breathing and a chest x-ray on Wednesday.  The doctor wouldn’t say it, but I think the “Simple Chronic Halitosis” I have been fighting has become “Complex Chronic Halitosis”.  He opted instead to blame it on my smoking.  He also advised I take it easy this weekend.

I will be alone this holiday weekend instead of heading to Washington DC to be with my daughter and my parents.  I will be holding a telepathic campaign rally Monday at 8:00PM Eastern / 5:00PM Pacific.  I am hoping the doctor will allow me to partake in the “Orgies for Abstinence” event this Friday night.  I have given up abstinence for Lent and am withholding my urge to abstain until Friday.

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Weirder by the Moment

My mother and my daughter are at my place.  My father is at a nearby hotel.  I am at the Starbucks across the street from the hospital I am staying at.

My father was kind enough to pick up my daughter on his way to my condo from Washington.  My daughter gets scared when my father freaks out when he drives.  (For some odd reason, she doesn’t get scared when I freak out when I am driving.  Since I do most of my driving in New Jersey, I freak out more than my father does.)

My daughter was so disturbed by riding up with my father that as soon as she got to my place, she told my mother that she wanted me to drive her home on Sunday, only I can’t because I was in the hospital.

The trip to the hospital was the result of my fainting and becoming unconscious while shopping for office supplies (staples, paper clips, model glue).  I was about to be released last night when the doctor who examined me saw some problems with my previous health records.  This doctor wanted to know how my other doctor came up with the conclusion that I had menstrual cramps and vaginal discharge.  There were other things I told the doctor that I didn’t tell him until after the bloodwork was done.

• I have had extreme body temperature fluctuations for the past week.  It’s been as high as 101.3 and as low as 96.8 though most of the time I have been at normal body temperature.
• I have lost eleven pounds in the past two weeks.  In the past, I would have been stoked because I was obese for a long time, but the sudden loss of weight has me near underweight.
• My farts smell really really bad.  The rule of thumb is that your own farts don’t smell as bad, but these last few farts hurt my nose.  I can only imagine the damage it is doing to the general public.
• I fell asleep during “Wheel of Fortune.”

More bloodwork is being done in the morning.  Hopefully it will just be a pill or two and maybe an antibiotic and I’ll be good to go.

 

Losing Weight in Vain

I have been obese most of my life.  My first television appearance was on the news when they showed me walking down 37th Street in New York City.  (I think it was me, as they only showed me from the chest-down).

Last October I weighed 235 lbs.  According to my doctor, I was 85 pounds overweight.  I started to diet.  Below is a picture of me giving a speech last November at the Meeting of Independent Presidential Candidates cruise. I weighed 230 lbs then.

November 2009 - 230 lbs.

Dieting only worked for a little while.  I had spent between November and June between 225 and 230 lbs.  Too many of my campaign stops included food.  I quit dieting in June and joined a gym.  Working out has been more successful.  I stepped on the scale this morning weighing 199 lbs.  I have lost 36 lbs. since last October and 30 lbs since I first joined the gym.

Weight Today - 199 lbs.

I was all set to celebrate by going to the local “All-You-Can-Eat” buffet when I read a study that read that thin men make less money.  The same study showed that thin women make more money.  Women are being shafted because they are not being paid by the pound like men are.

Here is my dilemma:  If I want to make money, should I stop working out and put the weight I lost back on or do I continue to lose weight and get a sex-change operation?  Or do I continue to lose weight as a man and make less money?

Presidential Workout

I stepped on the scale a few months ago and was shocked and saddened.  The need to step on the scale came to be when my favorite summer khakis were no longer fit.  I had somehow gained 50 pounds over the last year.

There are only 27 months until the general election.  The need to get into campaign shape is pressing.  The days when having a body like William Howard Taft is considered presidential are over.  People want their presidential candidate to be built like President Obama (or the 2008 Ahmnodt Heare.)

I had to change my diet and start exercising.  My diet will be posted tomorrow.  Today will be spent discussing my new exercise regiment.  Below is what it details:

• Stretching – It is important to stretch your muscles before working out.  I stretch my arms and legs, fingers, toes, and tongue.  I would stretch my brain muscle but the skull is in the way.
• Calisthenics –  It is important to start off slowly.  if you start off too fast, you could injure yourself.  Or worse – you could sweat.
• Jogging – Jogging increases the heart rate, which is important in losing weight.  I jog to and from the mailbox every morning.
• Weights – I believe in target training.  In addition to the abdomen, I work on the biceps, triceps, quadriceps, deltoids, and Altoids.
• Cooldown – A proper cooldown reduces stiffness of the muscles.  I cool down by heading into the steam room and relaxing.  Afterwards, it’s off to the jacuzzi for 5-10 laps back and forth.

I am confident that my workout and diet will bring results and I will soon be campaign fit and ready to tackle the world’s problems.

My Predictament

Here is my problem:  I need more coverage from the mainstream media.  Right now, the only way it looks like that will happen is if people get tired of both the Democrats and the Republicans.  The most likely scenario for that happening is if the United States starts falling apart or if things get worse.

I would like to get the coverage without having to hope my country falls apart due to a weak Dollar or an overflow of Canadians.  I would also like to get coverage without swimming across Lake Michigan naked.

Then there is the “break-a-record” recognition.  The problem with that approach is that it is either too time consuming, too much of a risk of bodily injury, or both.  I like my body so much, I added 50 pounds to it to show people just how much I like my body.

I will try to find a way to get coverage for my campaign.  If you know a way that I did not mention, please leave a comment and let me known.  Otherwise, I might break the record for being the least recognizable candidate for President.