Laundromat Blues

The biggest difference between my last house the house I currently own is that the that my current house does not have a setup for a washer and dryer (nor do I have the room for one.)  This means I do my laundry at the local laundromat.  The laundromat is in the middle of nowhere and the nearest bar is a mile past the police station.

The washers and dryers are quite old.  The only new parts of the machines are the mechanisms that collect money.  Most of the washing machines either do not have water coming out or do not spin.  A good portion of the dryers have no heat.

The people who frequent the laundromat leave much to be desired.  I am not just saying that because none of the patrons voted for me in 2008.  Not only were not any hotties, there weren’t many lukewarmies.  Even if the laundromat had a bar, I wouldn’t be approaching most of the women.  The women are closer to human than the men are.  The “groomed” men looked like they were extras in “Deliverance.”  I called the police about a creature I saw in there the last time I had to do laundry, but it turned out he is the cook at the local diner.

I combined the clothes from the machine that didn’t have a spin cycle with the clothes from the machine that didn’t have a wash cycle and threw them into dryers that didn’t have heat.  A half hour later I had wet, dirty clothes.  The clothes had to be washed by hand when I got home.  There are clothes drying all over my house.  There is clothing draped over every chair, the shower rod, the towel rack, toilet tank, entertainment unit, television, refrigerator, and kitchen cabinet.  I am hoping the clothes will be dried by tomorrow.

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What Don’t You Know and How Will You Learn It?

I don’t know how to score with hotties.  I will win the Lottery and women will get over the scars on my face and the growth on my chest.

My Favorite Bible Passage

My favorite Bible verse is Genesis 1:1. In the beginning there was the heaven and the earth. This tells me that if you want something to end, you must give it a beginning that has a possibility of ending. This is why I rarely argue with women. Those never end.

My Platform

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

• Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform. I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
• War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
• I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
• I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
• The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
• My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
• Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
• ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
• I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
• Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
• I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a VannaWhite supremacist.
• I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
• Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
• I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
• My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
• I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
• Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

If you have any questions feel free to e-mail me. ahmnodtheare@politician.com