2012 in Review – June

June was a slow month but it did have its good moments.  I did some campaigning in the eastern US and southeastern Canada.  Albee Thayer showed his ability to reach out to the zombie demographic.  I also received my first celebrity endorsement in a while.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner caused controversy within his own party by endorsing Independent candidate Ahmnodt Heare for President.

June was a good month for campaigning in America but a bad month for campaigning in France and Germany.  Aside from confusing the last name of the President of France with a different European country, I also had problems with my laptop and phone.  The only person who was receiving my telepathic distress calls was a homeless man who was a Romney supporter.

June was also a good month for supporters to publicly show their vocal support like in the video below:

June did not end on a good note.  A heat wave in the east got to me, especially when I went to Washington DC to visit my daughter.  It was hot and humid, like something I never experienced living in DC before.

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Universal Appeal

Being President of the United States means just that:  Being the President of the United States.  It’s not just leading people who pay taxes or people who don’t pay taxes.  It’s not just being the President of those who vote for me or don’t vote for me.

It is because of these things that I try to campaign to everybody and not just to the demographics who might vote for me.  While there might be a lot of strippers, exchange students, and zombies, those groups alone are not enough to get me elected.  (Though it would make Delaware very close.)

I am campaigning to bankers, librarians, doctors, and WNBA players despite the possibility that I will not receive a vote from anybody in those demographics.  I will be their President as well as everybody else’s.  I will campaign to the 53% who pay income taxes and the 47% who supposedly do not.

It is not the case that I want to be President more than I want to get laid.  It’s that America needs me to be President more than I need to breathe.  No other candidate has mentioned the ill effects that the Cinemafia has caused on American Entertainment.  None have kept a watchful eye on the Canadian government as I have.

Please forgive my desperate pleas for your votes.  It will only be for another seven weeks.

All is not Lost

My weekend in Europe did not go as well as I expected.  There wasn’t much traction in Paris nor in Berlin.  The laptop crapping out on me did not help matters.  The laptop would have come in handy campaigning at a cemetery near downtown Berlin.  My experience is that people only communicate in one language once they pass away.  My German is limited to “Bier” without the laptop to help me translate.

While my weekend went pretty much wasted in Europe, my running mate has helped strengthened the campaign with a rally in Corpus Christi, TX.  I have to admit that I have never heard him give a speech (I haven’t even met him yet), he has done a masterful job speaking to a major demographic.

The lady on the left listened intensely to Albee Thayer’s speech in Corpus Christi, TX. She was later spotted downtown handing out campaign literature.

My computer is currently undergoing repairs.  I am blogging from the library today and probably tomorrow.  If the computer cannot be fixed, I will be going to buy a new one.  Hopefully the next one can take the weight of cargo being dropped on it should I decide to fly overseas again.

Potpourri

I am having a hard time spending time writing on any one subject largely due to my mother still being here.  If Mitt Romney is the “Etch-a-Sketch” candidate then I am the “Lite-Brite” candidate.  I always say the same thing, but how pretty the message us depends on the colors of the bulbs.

Global Warming – I don’t normally start fighting it until Memorial Day weekend.  I might have to start fighting it soon though.  Today’s high was 77°F (The normal high in northwestern New Jersey on March 22 is 49F°.)

Tim Tebow – For the first time since Joe Namath was a Jet, there are Jets fans west of the Delaware River.  The Jets might not make the Super Bowl even with Tebow, but people are suddenly buying Jets jerseys.  The Broncos bandwagon is now being painted green and white.

Meetings – This week’s campaign meetings were held telepathically.  I have found a Ouija board to be helpful in getting the messages that I miss.

Zombies – I am not sure they are going to be the demographic that I was hoping they would be.  It seems that the Republicans have been campaigning for their votes with the zombie vote being split between Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.  Mitt Romney is still getting the vampire vote.

NCAA Tournament – My bracket has more red ink than a federal budget.  No further comment is necessary.

I am trying to talk to my father into coming up tomorrow for the weekend.  I don’t want my mother to know that he might be coming up.  (Mom, if you’re reading this, read something else and resume at the next paragraph.)  If this works, I can get back to normal on Monday.  I have to call my father and ask him to pick up my daughter even though my daughter is afraid of him.

Mom, this is where you can resume reading.  You had no business reading the last two sentences of the previous paragraph.  I’ll be done in the morning on business.  If I finish soon enough, I will be going to Washington to pick up Patricia.

I will be doing some campaigning this weekend.  Where I campaign depends on whether my daughter is here or not.  Her ninth birthday was last weekend and I wasn’t allowed to see her so I get her this weekend.  I bought her a cell phone for her birthday so she can work the phone bank for the campaign.  She has an irresistible voice and might be able to get more people to vote for me than the zombies.

I’ll be there in a minute, Mom! …

One Group I Avoid

I believe in trying to reach as many demographics as possible.  This include groups that none of the other candidates are reaching out to.  There is a group of people that I do not reach out to.  It’s not because the group is not an important demographic to reach out to.  It is because the group is so into Mitt Romney that he looks like he belongs in the group.

Mitt Romney before speaking to the demographic that best defines him.

I am not against campaigning to vampires.  I have had discussions with vampires as individuals.  The problem with campaigning to vampires as a group is that no candidate better defines a demographic than Mitt Romney defines the vampire demographic.  Romney sucks the life out of people much like vampires suck the blood (and thus the life) out of people.

One common misconception is that when someone dies and becomes undead, they automatically become zombies.  This is not true.  If it was true, there would be no need to write this post.  If someone has the blood sucked out of him or her, then he or she becomes a vampire and not a zombie.

Whether you support me or any other candidate not named Mitt Romney, it is important that you keep the following items with you if you don’t want to die and vote for Mitt Romney:

• Garlic Clove
• Crucifix
• Stake (or is it Steak?)
• Debbie Boone music

These items will keep vampires away from you and will keep your voting interest intact.  (Even if you don’t want to vote and just want to live.)  I wouldn’t break out the Debbie Boone music unless an attack by a vampire is imminent.

A New Demographic

I am surprised I haven’t thought of this earlier.  While I have reached many of the same demographics other politicians have been trying to reach (mothers, business owners, strippers, etc.) as well as a few that the others have not been campaigning to (children, the deceased, etc.), There has been one increasingly important demographic I have ignored for too long.  I have failed to reach out to zombies.

Zombies are supposedly everywhere.  I have yet to see any, but I hear about them every day.  This hasn’t prevented me from making a campaign poster for zombies:

I am making the assumption that they will be able to read the link to this website that the printer was written in a special invisible ink that only zombies can read.  He also said that the extra $200 for 10 posters was a steal.

I have found a few places to hang the posters.  There are posters currently hanging across the street from the local newspaper publishing plant, the headquarters of the Justine Bateman fan club, and other dying places.  These places will soon be dead and attract zombies.

I will give a shout-out to zombies in a future podcast.  (Though probably not this week’s show due to the time needed to express my manifesto.)