Not of My Doing

I heard a rumor from a media insider that there will be a hit piece on my campaign.  The piece has nothing to do with any of my policies, actions, or criticisms of President Obama and of Congress.  It has to do with a small group of people in southern Oregon near the borders of California and Nevada.  They are transients from all over the northwestern US, British Columbia in Canada, and Liechtenstein.

They refer to themselves affectionately as “Hearebots”.  Critics of the group call them “Hearetards.”  The Hearebots took it upon themselves to live their lives as if I was President and are trying to carry out portions of my platform.  Deep in the otherwise barren wilderness are two acres of apple trees that they planted in the last year,  They have banned Hollywood movies and anything associated with Disney including the watching of ESPN and ABC.  . Below is a video that shows an alternative to the overpriced Hollywood movies.

I had no knowledge of these fine people or of this community until I was informed of this story from Matt Storn, who wishes to remain anonymous.  If his name got out, it could cost him his job.

A trip to southeastern Oregon is in the works.  As soon as I contact these fine people, I will be making a campaign stop.

The Untitled Blog Entry

Yesterday was Betty Poundcake’s funeral.  It turned out that she didn’t have many male friends so I ended up being a poll bearer.  There were only four of us carrying the casket.  Betty’s brothers were carrying in the front while Betty’s son Junior (Kyle Poundcake, Jr.) and I were in the back.  The casket was about to be hoisted into the hearse when Betty’s brother Karl collapsed.  His sudden collapse and the lack of manpower around led to the side of the casket slamming into my knee.  I was in excruciating pain, but the casket still had to go into the hearse.  It took the three of us a while, but we were able to get the casket into the hearse.

The next problem was getting the casket out of the hearse and into the hole that was dug.  My pain wasn’t any better.  As I was bending my knee, I was emitting sounds that resembled a porpoise.  My body was shaking from the pain.  Just before the casket was fully lowered, I let out a deafening yelp.

I went to the hospital after the service.  The pain was sharp and constant.  It was like listening to Celine Dion sing while she scratched a blackboard.  I wanted my mommy.

The doctor saw me and gave me an apple.  I thought it was an odd gesture.  The doctor chuckled and said “An apple a day…  I guess that it doesn’t always work.”

“What doesn’t always work?”  I asked.

“Your health care plan.  Here you are seeing a doctor anyway.”

The presumption of my health care plan is that many diseases are avoidable and that people generally do not take very good care of themselves.  Injuries are another subject.  They are usually avoidable, but unlike health issues of a poorly maintained body, injuries can be caused by another person with no way the injured can avoid it.

I reminded the doctor of the hypocritical oath.  (He corrected me, it’s actually “Hypocratic Oath.”  It turned out that there was no ligament damage, but the knee was badly bruised.  He placed an ice pack on the knee and started singing, “Ice, Ice, Baby.”

I woke up at 5:30AM this morning and wrapped an ice pack on my knee and drove home.  I just got home at 4:00 and now have my knee up.  I will soon be taking a nap followed by the premier of my video show live at 10:00PM Eastern.