I heard a rumor from a media insider that there will be a hit piece on my campaign. The piece has nothing to do with any of my policies, actions, or criticisms of President Obama and of Congress. It has to do with a small group of people in southern Oregon near the borders of California and Nevada. They are transients from all over the northwestern US, British Columbia in Canada, and Liechtenstein.
They refer to themselves affectionately as “Hearebots”. Critics of the group call them “Hearetards.” The Hearebots took it upon themselves to live their lives as if I was President and are trying to carry out portions of my platform. Deep in the otherwise barren wilderness are two acres of apple trees that they planted in the last year, They have banned Hollywood movies and anything associated with Disney including the watching of ESPN and ABC. . Below is a video that shows an alternative to the overpriced Hollywood movies.
I had no knowledge of these fine people or of this community until I was informed of this story from Matt Storn, who wishes to remain anonymous. If his name got out, it could cost him his job.
A trip to southeastern Oregon is in the works. As soon as I contact these fine people, I will be making a campaign stop.
Due to a busy schedule I will not be commenting on tonight’s debate in real time. I will not be watching it either. The evening has been booked since the NFL released their football schedule. Tonight is a doubleheader on ESPN featuring long time division rivals in both games.
Though I will not be commentating on tonight’s debate, the list below contains the debates I will be commenting on.
|September 22nd, 2011||9pm ET on Fox News – Submit Questions
Location: Orlando, FL
Sponsor: Fox News, Google and Florida Republican Party
|October 11th, 2011||8pm ET on Bloomberg Television – Pre-debate coverage begins at 7pm ET
Location: Dartmouth College in Hanover, NH
Sponsor: Bloomberg, The Washington Post and WBIN-TV
|October 18th, 2011||Air time TBD on CNN
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Sponsor: CNN and the Western Republican Leadership Conference
|November 9th, 2011||8pm ET on CNBC
Location: Oakland University in Rochester, MI
Sponsor: CNBC and the Michigan Republican Party
|December 10th, 2011||Air time TBD on ABC
Location: Des Moines, IA
Sponsor: ABC News and Republican Party of Iowa
|January 12th, 2012||Air time TBD on PBS
Location: Iowa Public Television in Johnston, IA
Sponsor: Des Moines Register and Iowa Public Television
|January 30th, 2012||Air time TBD on Fox News
Location: Des Moines, IA
Sponsor: Fox News and Republican Party of Iowa
|February, 2012||Air time TBD on ABC – Likely between February 7th and 13th
Sponsor: ABC News and WMUR
|February, 2012||Air time TBD on Fox News – Likely between the 19th and 27th
Sponsor: Fox News and South Carolina Republican Party
|March 5th, 2012||Air time TBD on NBC
Location: Reagan Library in Simi Valley, CA
Sponsor: Reagan Library, NBC News and Politico
April 2, 2011
Dear ESPN Programming Doofus:
I am not just a presidential candidate, I am a baseball fan. To be precise, I am a Washington Nationals fan. I am writing because I have taken a peek at the Sunday Night Baseball schedule and I am not happy.
It seems you like to oversaturate your programming with Yankees and Red Sox games. That series gets old after a while (Especially after Fox always broadcasts the Saturday game the day before. There are many other series that are more interesting.
I understand that the Nationals are not a very good team right now and that they’re not going to get a lot of national airtime. How about a Twins-Rangers game? They both won their divisions last year. Dare I say that both of those teams are better than this year’s Yankees without being ridiculed?
Better yet, show the National League some love. After all, the defending world champions are the San Francisco Giants (a National League Team). The National League plays real baseball where the pitchers get to bat. The American League has the Designated Hitter and is for pitchers with no genitals for batting. (I’d write, “balls” but my mother reads this blog.)
If you need any help with this, I will be happy to assist. Before you know it, you will be enjoying higher ratings.
Independent Candidate for President (Write-In)
Baseball (Washington Nationals) Fan