Time to Step Up My Game

There has been a lot going on in my life the last year that had taken away valuable campaigning time.  My parents have both moved into adult care facilities.  I lost a custody battle for my daughter and she now lives in Italy with her mother.  “American Idol” ended before I could audition.  My campaign email has been hacked and I no longer have access to your letters or correspondences I have been getting from Nigerian princes.  (It seems that my campaign is popular in Nigeria.)

I was considering suspending my campaign for the rest of the election cycle until I heard that Donald Trump was the presumptive nominee of the Republican Party.  It also looks like that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic Party candidate.

I am looking for places to campaign.  If you know of a rally, bar mitzvah, or memorial service looking for a speaker, feel free to correspond.

The new updated contact information will be posted providing that I remember the email address or phone number.  I don’t email or call myself often enough to know those things by heart.  At least I know my address (but only because Papa John’s keep asking for it when I order pizza to be delivered.)

Tell all of your friends and 3/4 of your enemies that my campaign is back and running on full steam.  It’s sad that America needs me to run as desperately as she does, but I am up for the task.

Yeah, I’m Still Running

It might seem with my lack of posts lately that I have given up on running for President.  The fact is that I have been distracted by some very important matters (taking care of my parents, trying to generate more work for myself, Shark Week, etc.).  I have also done some campaigning, but they were small in nature and were more “preaching to the choir” to get the base energized than to speaking to new people.

I am putting my personal business aside between now and November 2016 so I can give it my all and get elected.  It’s hard to get excited about America’s future when people like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are given serious consideration as candidates.

My platform remains the same, especially the part that states that I will not be accepting any money for my campaign.  The only way to take money out of politics is to never put money into politics.

Look for me this weekend at the Delaware State fair.  I will not have a booth at the fair, but I will be walking around the fairgrounds looking for people who want to strike up a conversation.

This is what I look like, except that my hair is much shorter, I have no facial hair, and I won’t be wearing sunglasses.

If you have any questions that you would like to ask me, feel free to ask in the comments section. I had requested e-mailing the questions in the past, but critics of the campaign claimed that I ignored the tough questions. I do not ignore tough questions. I put them aside to answer at a later time.

The New Battle Part II

The other day I mentioned my dislike of stores having “Black Friday” sales early Thanksgiving evening.  Today, pop-up ads will get to feel my wrath.  They suck – here’s why:

I have a computer that is pretty old.  Though my internet speed is pretty fast, it takes a while for the processor in my computer to process all of the data that streams to the computer.  I like to log on the computer, read what I need to read in e-mail and news sites, and get off to do things I have to do.
Pop-up ads are speed bumps on the information superhighway.  (It’s been a while since anyone has used the term, “Information Superhighway”, hasn’t it?)  Things go smooth until the computer hangs waiting for an ad to pop up.  the most annoying part of these pop-up ads is that they are NEVER for anything I want or use.  I have yet to spend a dime from ads shoved in my face.  I am baffled that people buy products from ads that are annoying.

How many of you have you ever tried the product above?  I never had, largely because I could only stand,hearing  “HEAD-ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!” once or twice before the urge to throw the remote control through the television screen becomes strong enough to give the person applying the product a worse headache.

Advertising is a large part of life.  I have no problems with ads that are properly placed and aren’t annoying.  If I wanted to get irritated, I would have gotten married.  When I’m at home or at work, I want things to go as smoothly and as pleasantly as possible.  Prostitution is a multibillion dollar-per-year business without using ads because prostitutes know that they can’t sell their services if the johns get annoyed.
My solution is strong, but it will work with help from those of you who are annoyed as I am:

1. Boycott the products that are popping up,  That alone will not be enough as I don’t buy pop-ups, but it’s the foundation of steps needed to stop pop-ups.
2. Write to the webmaster stating your displeasure in popup ads.
3. (If the first two steps do not work) Boycott the static ads that aren’t popping up.  One might say that it’s unfair that legitimate ads be boycotted, but so is shoving ads in your face and hogging up resources on your computer.
4. Quit visiting that website.  If nobody goes to a website, nobody will buy ads because nobody will see ads.

I haven’t made many campaign promises, but I promise to be less annoying than either the Republican, Democratic, or Green Party candidates. (And equally as annoying as the Libertarian Party candidate.)  Together, we can quit getting annoyed.

He said, “No.”

I thought for sure my campaign manager wanted to run for Senator.  He could have ridden my coattails.  I could have had him stumping with me in 2016.  He doesn’t want to run for Senate.  The reason that he gave me was that he has skeletons in his closet that need to remain in the closet.  I have seen his closet.  I did not see anything that was embarrassing except for a slightly overused inflatable doll.

His lack of desire to run for office did not stop my manager from setting up my campaign schedule for the following week.  My first campaign stop is Saturday afternoon at Brooke Wheatsworth’s seventh birthday party. This stop is for the 2024 campaign, when Brooke and her friends will be old enough to vote.   I make campaign stops for children because I will be the first presidential candidate that many children will meet.

I will be in Ottawa on Monday and Tuesday holding a rally in front of the US Embassy.  I will have a petition for Canadians to sign which will allow them to vote for President of the United States.  I am doing this because the President of the United States is the leader of the free world.  Many people feel that Americans should not be the only people voting for the leader of the free world.  My being the first Presidential candidate to address this issue will give me the upper hand in overseas voting.

There will be fewer campaign stops in cemeteries than in prior campaigns.  These stops will be limited to heavily-Democratic states and large Democratic-leaning cities in Republican states.  The time I had wasted in the past will not be used in campaigning in more conventional settings like political rallies and city morgues.

The week ahead will be hectic.  I will try my best to keep you informed on highlights from the campaign trail as events occur.

Sixty Days to Go

In a campaign season that seemed to start days after the 2008 elections, Americans will be voting for (among other things) President of the United States.  These sixty days will go like lightning for those running for President.  For those of you who aren’t running, it seems like an eternity.  The cable news networks have spent the last four years previewing the 2012 election.

I have spent the last two weeks watching bits and pieces of the two largest political parties’ conventions and their descriptions of a very different America than either you or I live in.  Neither party is addressing the Cinemafia nor are they mentioning the Canadian spies infiltrating the Great American Entertainment Industry.  The tainting of American entertainment will lead to a great depression in morale if not financially.

A decrease in morale will only lead to an increase in drug usage, alcoholism, and Dinty Moore stews.   Not only are Obama and Romney not addressing the disease, they aren’t even attempting to relieve us of the symptoms.  I am the ONLY candidate who addresses both and offers solutions for both.

My campaign is not limited to straightening out the entertainment industry.  I have offered solutions for jobs, energy, health care, the poor, the elderly, and nookie.

My schedule gets very hectic starting Monday.  Mondays through Thursday will be work from 6:00AM to 10:00PM Monday through Thursday and 6:00AM to 4:00PM on Fridays with campaigning on Saturdays and Sundays.  This schedule will be in effect until Columbus Day, when I start campaigning non-stop until the Election.  The days after the election will be spent protesting the results and demanding recounts (unless I win).  The following week will be a vacation in either Hawaii or Nebraska (I will know for sure by next week).

Clint Eastwood’s Real Endorsement

Clint Eastwood’s subliminal endorsement goes through a clueless mainstream media ans the Republican Party Convention.

Moments before Mitt Romney formally accepted the Republican Party’s nomination for President, Clint Eastwood gave a speech.  Mr. Eastwood had a little chat with an empty chair.  People automatically assumed that chair was a bashing of President Obama.  While he did talk about Obama’s absence in policy, it was not why the chair was there.  The empty chair was a symbolic endorsement for I’m Not Here Ahmnodt Heare.  He couldn’t formally endorse me for President, especially at a party convention for which party I am not a member of.  I am an independent and not a member of any party.  I tend to be a wallflower at parties, especially at parties without booze.

Clint Eastwood was once the mayor of Carmel, California.  He was officially a Republican, but many in the party thought he was too independent for mainstream Republicanism.  He had heard more than his share of criticism over the years.  He didn’t address the critics at the time because he had a town to manage.  But Clint Eastwood never forgets.  Like a ninja in the dark, he patiently waits his chance to pounce and POW!

I like to thank Mr. Eastwood for his endorsement.  My only regret is that more people didn’t pick up on the symbolism.

Hey, I Tried

I was hoping I could watch the Republican and Democratic Conventions without falling asleep.  There was hope the Republican convention could actually get exciting with Ron Paul’s delegates causing some kind of ruckus.  I heard through the grapevine that they did cause some commotion, but the media brushed it aside.

Watching the opening of today’s activities was not like watching paint dry.  It was more like listening to paint dry.  I do not know if RNC Chair Reince Priebus was drunk or is uncomfortable speaking in front of people, but that boy didn’t look right today.

I was considering joining a political party but thought better of it.  But neither party has many good ideas and it shows.  The best thing about being an Independent is that I can take the 2% of the Republican ideas that are good and the 2% of the Democratic ideas that are good and combine them with the 70% of the Libertarian, Reform, Green, Constitution, and The Rent is Too Damned High parties as well as the ideas I have kicked up over the years.

While there will never be a party convention for independents, that gives me more time to spend with real Americans while the other candidates hang out with party big-wigs with personalities of a wet dirty mop.  Time to clean the mop and ring it out.

Watching a party convention is like watching a telethon.  It’s all about a disease for which there is no cure and they want your money.  I don’t want your money.  It’s hard to like someone who does want your money.  Even a political novice like myself knows that an independent cannot get votes if nobody likes him (or her).  That’s why i try to be likable.