Ahmnodt Heare for President

Ahmnodt Heare For America… Ahmnodt Heare For You.

45 Hilariously Ridiculous Gwyneth Paltrow Quotes That Will Make You Want To Punch Something

Ahmnodt Heare:

Don’t punch anything. She’s not worth it. I was putting together my thoughts for tonight’s blog entry when this was brought to my attention. One quote strike me as especially odd:
“Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don’t have that many good years left in me.”
It strikes me as odd because I didn’t know she had any good years in her before she turned 29.
I cannot comment on her acting because I don’t partake in any of the Cinemafia’s offerings. I have heard her sing, and I have to admit that I really like her voice. It’s soft, smooth, and easy to listen to. It’s not one of those screeching voices that some record producer decided was singing.
Enjoy the read, but don’t punch anything.

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Everyone has their Celebrity Trainwreck Power Animal — their Lindsay Lohan or Courtney Love — but I root for Lohan and want her to get better. I never, ever want Gwyneth Paltrow to change. What would life be without her? Some people hate her and find her irritating, but that’s beside her point. Gwyneth Paltrow’s self-centeredness and lack of a filter give me life.

I was having a bad morning, so I put together some of my favorite Paltrow quotes to cheer me up — featuring Gwyneth name-dropping, hanging out with Beyonce, chillin’ with her wood burning stove and pretending she likes rap. Did I miss any good wall-punch-inducing sound bytes? Leave your favorites in the comments.

Gwyneth-Paltrow

1. “I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to be famous.”

2. Harper’s Bazaar writes: “Having survived her 10th London winter (she got through January by assigning it “international month,”…

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March 29, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt | 1 Comment

Ahmnodt the Speed Demon

I now have a blemish to my record.  I was given a speeding ticket today.  I was driving 27 miles per hour in a 15 mile-per-hour zone.  There goes my lifelong dream of becoming a school bus driver.

I also received a ticket for running a stop sign.  That ticket should be easy to beat since there was no stop sign at the place I allegedly didn’t stop.  (Thanks to Howie for removing that sign for me.)

It’s a warm day here and will continue to be seasonably warm for quite some time with copious amounts of rain tomorrow and Sunday.  I am suspending the encouragement of global warming now that I can feel my hands again.

Should I have told the police officer that I wasn’t speeding, but “qualifying”?  I figured since there are bumping stickers that say, “I’m not tailgating, I’m drafting”, then I could have my own NASCAR reference to a driving infraction.

With three or four inches of rain expected this weekend, I doubt the town will be sending out the drought notices until at least Wednesday.  At least it isn’t snow.  My shoulder still hurts from the inch I had to shovel on Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

March 28, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, humor, satire, scandal | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Global Warming

Four inches of snow fell in southern Delaware on March 25.

Four inches of global warming snow fell in southern Delaware on March 25.

It’s time that we quit crying out “Global Warming” and “Climate Change.”  As I have stated in the past, climate change is a natural occurrence.  It gets cold in the winter before getting warm in the spring (usually) and hot in the winter before cooling off in the fall.

There are people who point out to data which suggests that the earth is getting warmer.  What they don’t tell you is that the person who initially collect the data has admitted that the data is flawed.  Nobody ever mentions that we got out of the Ice Age long before the American revolution.

For the next few weeks, I will be encouraging global warming.  I will be encouraging it until it starts getting hot.  The fight against global warming will resume after Memorial Day.

I have been campaigning and will continue to campaign though postings have been sparse in recent months.  I will be campaigning in New York City on April 5.  I will be picketing Canada’s latest invasion, the Tim Horton’s in Times Square.  Picketing will begin as soon as I get a day’s supply of Timbits.

 

March 27, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, Canada, commentary, environment, foreign policy, humor, satire | , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Have to Speak Out

Despite my personal life getting complicated, I have been able to hit the campaign trail.  There is a growing dislike of Canadians from everybody that I talk to.  The hatred started building last month when US government officials were contemplating taking my advice and deporting Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  It built up a bit more last week when Canada’s men’s and women’s hockey teams beat their American counterparts in the men’s semifinals and the women’s gold medal games, respectively.

The final straw has come this week with Canada invading American air space with their “Operation Polar Vortex”.  I am convinced that this is a directive given out by Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  I have decided not to wait until “President” Obama decides he is going to do something.  The planning stages are already underway for what I am calling, “Operation Gulf Melt” aimed at Canadian curling rinks.  Anybody can roll a stone on ice, but it takes American talent to skip a stone on water.

I am currently having difficulties finding a place to host my radio and television shows podcasts.  My father doesn’t like it that I have taken to yelling and my mother keeps a bar of Safeguard nearby.  They are both doing better, but neither able to live alone.

I will be in Delmar (either Delaware or Maryland – I forget which one, though the two Delmars do border each other.) campaigning this Friday and Saturday.  I hope to see you there!

February 26, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, Canada, commentary, foreign policy, humor, Personal Life, satire | , , , , , , | Comments Off

Northern Chill

There isn’t much I want to write about today involving politics.  I will dedicate this video for the people in the northern United States who are currently going through this arctic blast that the Canadians dumped on us.

It reached 18 degrees today here in southern Delaware and a low tonight near 0.

January 3, 2014 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , | Comments Off

Just When We Thought I Was Done

I spent New Year’s Eve at a nearby bar hoping to ring in 2014 like many other people.  The gameplan was to have a few drinks, watch the ball drop, use the men’s room and steal borrow a roll of toilet paper, and go home and sleep.  It didn’t quite go like that.

The bar was quite sparse when I was ready to ring in the New Year at 10:00AM.  I’m drinking my usual Shirley-Temple-with-a-whiskey-sour-chaser when two couples walked into the bar and sat a few stools from me.  They were quite loud, especially when it came to talking about politics.

The taller of the gentleman seemed to be smart.  He was talking about the problems with the Affordable Health Care Act that nobody else seemed to be talking about.  He mentioned that insurance might be lower for some, but having insurance was no guarantee that a given claim will be processed in the claimant’s favor. Even if the claim was accepted, most insurance policies only cover 80% of the cost of the procedure, leaving 20% to the claimant.  If a patient is going to require an extended hospital stay, he or she will still have to pay over $10,000 after the insurance pays for its portion.

The tall guy starts yelling at the other couple because they voted for Barack Obama.  He then went into a rant about there being only one candidate worth voting for and he quit.  He then explained to them about my “Apple-a-Day” health care plan and my plan to save the humpback dolphins in Lake Michigan.

I was fortunate that he did not recognize me.  I did not quit running for President; I suspended my campaign until I had the time to straighten out the personal matters in my life.  (Or until people started getting furious that I wasn’t out there campaigning.)  The good news is that I have resumed campaigning and will be making campaign stops soon.  I’ll have to put my personal life on hold (which I will do as soon as I remember to buy the batteries for my father’s “Life Alert” button.

January 2, 2014 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign, health care, humor, Obama, satire | , , , , , , | Comments Off

BREAKING NEWS: Campaign Suspended!

The Ahmnodt Heare for President campaign is suspended until further notice.  More information will be given out in a speech he will be giving this weekend.

November 13, 2013 Posted by | Ahmnodt, campaign | , | Comments Off

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