I Have to Speak Out

Despite my personal life getting complicated, I have been able to hit the campaign trail.  There is a growing dislike of Canadians from everybody that I talk to.  The hatred started building last month when US government officials were contemplating taking my advice and deporting Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  It built up a bit more last week when Canada’s men’s and women’s hockey teams beat their American counterparts in the men’s semifinals and the women’s gold medal games, respectively.

The final straw has come this week with Canada invading American air space with their “Operation Polar Vortex”.  I am convinced that this is a directive given out by Prime Minister Stephen Harper.  I have decided not to wait until “President” Obama decides he is going to do something.  The planning stages are already underway for what I am calling, “Operation Gulf Melt” aimed at Canadian curling rinks.  Anybody can roll a stone on ice, but it takes American talent to skip a stone on water.

I am currently having difficulties finding a place to host my radio and television shows podcasts.  My father doesn’t like it that I have taken to yelling and my mother keeps a bar of Safeguard nearby.  They are both doing better, but neither able to live alone.

I will be in Delmar (either Delaware or Maryland – I forget which one, though the two Delmars do border each other.) campaigning this Friday and Saturday.  I hope to see you there!

More Dangerous than Kim Jong Un

Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper

I apologize to those of you who thought that this was going to be about me. It’s not. It is about the Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper.  Kim Jong Un appears to be dangerous because he talks a lot of trash and backs it up by firing bottle rockets.  Stephen Harper is a silent man.  His weapons are covert and are not noticed until they have penetrated deeply into American culture.

His spy program is unparalleled in the cloak-and-dagger industry.  While other countries tend to get their spies to blend in with the general populace, Canadian spies climb to the top of their respective fields.  This is most true in the entertainment industry.

Why does infiltrating the Great American Entertainment Industry cause a big threat to national security?  Because entertainment is the last great export America possesses.  Canada has continually diluted American entertainment by sneaking spies like Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, and Norm MacDonald to sneak into the American entertainment industry.  It has gotten to the point that American entertainment is beginning to look like Canadian entertainment.  The transformation will be complete when poutine and Timbits become staples in “green rooms” across the country.

Stephen Harper must be stopped NOW!

2012 in Review – April

April started out with the joke on me and ended up being a joke.  I was hospitalized and was unable to partake in the “Orgies for Abstinence”.  I was invited to debate other third party candidates, but I did not receive the invitation until the night before the debate.  Since the debate was in Los Angeles, I was unable to attend.

The month found me defending stay-at-home moms and bashing the Cinemafia be celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking and over 1000 people dying.  The “Ahmnodt Heare Meme” was introduced.  The campaign went into attack mode with aggressively mentioning my campaign on blogs supporting Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Vermin Supreme, and Justin Bieber.

The attack mode was short-lived as some of my supporters complained of getting spammed with Justin Bieber videos and robo-calls from Obama’s and Romney’s campaigns as well as one supporter receiving repeated calls from a candidate running for Dog Catcher.

April showed so much promise in the beginning, but it ended up being a big April Fool’s joke.

Observations on Recent Events

I spent most of today trying to catch up on what has been happening in the news since Election Day.  I haven’t watched the news because I have been vacationing and I had custody of my daughter for most of the last week.  Below is my synopsis of some recent events:

• Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use –  I support this and on the surface this is good news.  There is bad news and I will explain that later.
• Petraeusgate – Former CIA Director David Petraeus resigned following a much-publicized sex scandal.  My campaign could use publicity like that.  I am not below admitting that I can use the sex.
• Israel vs. Hamas and the Palestinians – I have received heat for what I am about to say in the past, but it bears repeating.  The United States should not get involved in the conflict until the Canadian dilemma is settled.  Canadian spies like William Shatner, Celine Dion, and Justin Bieber infiltrating and sabotaging the Great American Entertainment Industry must be deported and American entertainment must be restored to its greatness.
• Hostess Closing Down – This is bad news on many levels.  I blame the marketing team for the folding of the company.  While it is easy to blame the management for being overpaid or the unions for wanting too much, I blame the marketing team for undervaluing their products.  I would have sold Twinkees at 40% higher than the suggested retail price.  They were at least that much better than Little Debbie’s.  Legalizing marijuana just isn’t the same withoout munching on Twinkees or Ho-Ho’s.

Tonight is my last night in Virginia Beach.  I head to my parents’ home in Washington, DC tomorrow for Thanksgiving week and head home Friday afternoon.

Canada’s New Plan of Attack

For the last fifty years, Canada’s mode of attack has been to have their spies infiltrate the Great American Entertainment Industry and ruin our last remaining export.  Some of their more infamous spies include William Shatner, Celine Dion, Anne Murray, and Justin Bieber.  The Canadian government has reached a new low with their newest tactic.  It is a complicated plan that hurts not only American citizens, but also their own.

First, Canada drives their prices so high that things become hard to afford in Canada.  Gas is around $5.00/gallon in British Columbia while it’s about $3.80 in Washington State.  Here is a cost-of-living comparison between Vancouver, BC and Seattle, WA.  Canadians know things are less expensive in the United States so they hit American stores en mass and hoard essentials like milk, eggs, and cigarettes before Americans can get to them.

There are two ways to handle this:  Raise the prices of things in Americs so it’s as bad here as in Canada.  This is a bad idea unless you are rich and have a ton of disposable income.  The other plan is to sabotage the Canadian Dollar to the point that it would be virtually worthless in the United States.  That’s why I just came up with a third idea.  He;p the Canadian citizens petition their government.  This will not only make things more affordable for Canadians to shop in Canada, but it will finally put an end to their government’s tampering with American entertainment.

I should mention that no other presidential candidate has even mentioned this as of this posting.  84 shopping days until Election Day.

End of an Error

All bad things must come to an end.  This includes the “popularity” of Canadian spy Justin Bieber.  His new CD “Believe” is not selling as well as the Cinemafia and the Canadian government had hoped.  The era of “Beliebers” is over.  Americans have had enough of this spy and are demanding real entertainment.

It may be possible that I do not win the election in November.  That will not stop me from making the changes that America needs to make.  I will still fight the Cinemafia and do my best to make sure to spot Canadian spies as soon as they try to infiltrate the Great American Entertainment Industry.  I will also lobby elected officials to make sure that Vanna White’s birthday becomes a federal holiday.  It will be hard if I am not elected, but I will fight and make sure my entire platform is implemented.

 

My Take on the Republican Race for President

Current Delegate Count (as of 3/26/2012)

Romney – 568

Santorum – 273

Gingrich – 135

Paul – 50

Heare* – 0

*Not a Republican

Continuing the Republican Primary race until June would be more exciting if the race was close.  Romney has double the delegates of Santorum, who has double the delegates of Gingrich, who has double the delegates of Paul, who has double the delegates of Heare, who has as many Republican delegates as Barack Obama.

Barring a major scandal, Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee for President.  Most political pundits will tell you that who becomes President depends on who is the better candidate.  There is a truth in that in elections that neither candidate is an incumbent.  What matters in the elections with an incumbent is the state of the country.  If the country is in bad shape, then anybody can beat the incumbent.  The incumbent can beat anybody if the country is in great shape.

My chances are better because the country is not in very good shape.  The economy is still improving, but will stall when gas hits $4.50/gallon in May.  Crime is down right now but will increase with the increase in gas prices.  Justin Bieber is still in this country.  (As a reminder, I am the only candidate who has discussed the importance of deporting Bieber.)

There will be no more debates.  This helps Romney more than the other candidates because he’ll be on TV live less and fewer people will see his blunders.  This hurts Ron Paul the most because he was getting the fewest questions during the debates.  He tended to get more votes in primaries and caucuses following a debate.  I am the same way, which is why I wasn’t even invited to debate.

Instead of the Republican race being a tightrope event waiting to see if the tightrope walker can get to the other side, it’s the last days of a terminally ill patient that Americans are watching and hoping for the best.